Road Trip

I remember going to a funeral a little while back and feeling shocked to see the people closest to the loss because they were smiling. I don't really know what I expected, but to see them acting normal was not it. My perspective has changed a little. Life still goes on. There is not a moment of the day that I do not think of Wendy, and while I sometimes have those moments of questioning whether or not I am dealing with this the way I should, I feel good about the way life is going under the circumstances. We are still able to be happy. There are times when something will hit me and take the wind right out of me and it is strange because those times feel good. What I mean is that those moments remind me of my loss, there are times when I am laughing with my kids or enjoying the company of friends when the question of; should I be acting "normal" right now enter my mind and so when those moments that take me to my knees come, they put me a little at ease that I am still feeling the pain and not just acting as if life has just kept going without her. I loved our life together, and hanging out with friends and family often reminds me of how much I miss her being by my side in that, but I am still able to enjoy those times too. I don't really know if two people ever fit together so well... I hope so. I hope that I can feel that way again too. For now, I still put one foot in front of the other and do it mostly smiling and see what new adventures He has in store for me and these little ones I get to hang out with. I feel there are good things planned for us... not that I feel entitled, but I do feel there has always been an element of planning. I think I just need to stay as close to where I feel the best answers come and take another step forward. I know life will never be the same, nor do I expect things to be.

This past week we took a road trip with Wendy's brother Dave and his family to Montana to visit Wendy's other brother Brian and his family. It was a good trip, a lot of the physical elements of being on the road with three little ones dawned on me. I missed having my navigator there to pack and plan with me and calm the kids when needed. They did great though, thanks to modern technology and plenty of DVD's on hand. Every now and then I would have to juggle a little with throwing fruit snacks back to Evan, but for the most part I think we did well. There is one thing that is evident though, there will be a learning curve on packing for these kind of things... I will never question a woman's packing job again... yes, it may take an entire van load of stuff for a few days away, but it sure beats the alternative of forgetting certain things. Thank goodness we were visiting family that had amenities to fill in my gaps in packing! I packed like a guy, and I was pretty proud that I fit everything in one cooler and one bag... next time there will be more bags and less forgotten things.

Wendy's 5K and Croc Walk

The day of the 5k run and croc walk for Wendy was amazing. I really can't believe what our friends were able to pull together in such a short time. I couldn't have asked for a more special day to meet with friends and remember Wendy, and if that was all that happened it would have been worth it, but then to add everyone's generous offerings on our family's behalf was a continuing reminder of how incredible people can be. Thank you everyone that made this day possible, I really don't know what to say and how to convey my gratitude for everything.

I had heard some of the plans here and there, but I hadn't imagined just how much they had planned out and made happen. I showed up at the park to run and be with family and friends. It was difficult to keep my control as I lined up to start and looked out at over 600 runners that came out to show support of who Wendy is. The first mile was difficult.

After the run the ladies had planned a "croc walk" where Croc's had kindly donated orange crocs for all who signed up (I think they even ran out of them). It was a sight to see as a long line of orange feet and balloons and shirts snaked around the park as we walked and then gathered to release our balloons. Before we released them, Julie, Melissa, and Natalie shared a few words about Wendy, I will never forget these moments. Wendy's parents had returned from their mission just days before and were able to be there for all of this and I couldn't help being very grateful that they could experience that too. What an incredible day, what an amazing group of friends. That last balloon is Evan's, he didn't want to let go of it.

It helped me to think as these girls put their babies to bed and met up to plan until early hours of the morning that Wendy would have loved being there in the planning. She really loved the "girls nights" they would have and it makes me smile thinking of them thinking of her during those times and I can only hope she was permitted to sit in on some of them in whatever capacity spirits can do that sort of thing.
After the croc walk and balloon release, the carnival started. There was cotton candy, popcorn, live bands, a silent auction, bounce houses, pony rides, catered lunch, snow cones, train rides, fire trucks and police dept, and probably many things I am forgetting. I watched the ponies for a bit and liked remembering the last night I had with her and our family, they were the same ponies.
There are many things that went on behind the scenes that I am sure I have no idea, and many companies and people that gave so much of their time and help and support that I will never be able to adequately thank them. I will try. It is tough to not want to live every day better because I have seen so much good from others. Thank you. I know it isn't enough, but thank you.

The different turns....

June 15th. Today is Maylee's original due date. I think about the completely different day I had today than what I had planned and talked about with my wife. It was a good day as far as days go lately, the kids played outside with friends and even stayed a little later because I just couldn't end their fun early. As I think back to the conversations we had about today though, it looks and feels nothing like those plans. There are moments when I just ache that Kenna didn't get that little baby sister or am missing being able to see Evan and his tenderness with a little baby living with us. I was watching some home videos today and I forget how fun those little tiny things can be and how much I enjoy the cuddly times with them and when they aren't saying "no, daddy, I do it" all the time. Don't mistake me, I am absolutely loving each stage my little ones are in, but I do love those new baby stages too. I am sad that I am not able to share those with Maylee and Wendy right now. There are high moments and low moments and there really is no rhyme or reason to when one will start and the other will end, but I feel that each day brings a little more peace with it and a little less intense pain. I miss Wendy, that is something that will never change. It is becoming more real and less debilitating with every new turn, but missing her doesn't change. I like to think about what today might have been like, but I don't dwell on it. I do know there is a plan in here somewhere and I am keeping my eyes, ears, and heart open to what there is to continually learn from this and what Wendy would like me to be doing right now instead of spending too much mental real estate on what could have been today. I love you little Maylee, I so look forward to spending more time with you some day and being your Daddy.

Such a sweet and tender little girl, I love this picture of my two baby girls

Some people have asked why the orange for Wendy, was it her favorite color or something. I often joke that Wendy never picked a favorite color because she didn’t want the other colors to feel bad, even our wedding was made up of all the spring colors and not just one or two. The orange actually comes from her incredible co-workers at Riverton Hospital. She absolutely loved working with them and being able to help bring babies into the world as a labor and delivery nurse. Wendy had found a pair of Crocs online that were bright orange that she would wear to work every time. The contrast of those with the royal blue scrubs that the IHC nurses would wear made her shoes stand out and became part of her personality at work. And, no, she was not a Boise State fan. After she died her co-workers got orange wristbands as a tribute to Wendy. I really think she would get a kick out of that and is smiling. After that, orange just became a natural thing for us as family and friends to feel connected to Wendy. I love seeing the bright orange on my friends and neighbors and family and knowing why they are running in it or wearing it. It makes me smile to think of the people that she has touched.

As I was looking through her work bag I came across a stack of thank you notes from women and families that had sent her a note thanking her for her extra tender care while they were there at the hospital. I loved reading them, and I couldn’t help be a little sad that I never really got the chance to be a fly on the wall and see her at work. I am sure HIPPA has issued regulation fly swatters for such an occasion. I would have loved to see it though. I was very proud of the work she did, who knows, maybe she gets to send them off now rather than receive them here, it’s a good thought.

I write in my journal a lot lately and some of the things I write get put onto the blog and some things get written just for the blog, that said, I don’t go back and make sure I am not repeating myself, so I am sorry if things get said twice, maybe they needed to be.

The week before may 21^st Julie was called by someone involved with the race called “running with angels” at thanksgiving point. They invited us to run or just come out and be at the event. I felt like it was a good idea and when we got there they had me and the kids release some of the white doves before the race. It was a good experience and I know as my kids get older and begin to look back on the things we did around this time, it will be with fond memories and gratitude for those that were around us at this time. Most of Wendy’s and my family was there wearing orange shirts in memory of Wendy and Maylee. It was a great morning and it was a beautiful run through the gardens there at thanksgiving point, Spring has always been one of Wendy's favorite times. It was good to be there in such a large group of people most of who were there to remember someone special in their lives that they are waiting to see again. I am grateful to those that invited us, and I think we will make it a yearly tradition.

My incredible neighbors and close friends have been busy working on a gathering for Wendy and Maylee and us and I didn’t know until just recently just how much they have been doing. They have been busy on our behalf and again I cannot express enough how much love I have for them. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and I will never forget the bond I have formed with these incredible people through these trials. I told them I would post the link of the website they have put together, they have done a great job and I think it will be a really fun day.

www.mackfamilyfund.com

I was looking through the blog again and I have not been able to catch up on all the loving comments left, but last night I sat and looked at a picture of a beautiful sunset in Australia with Maylee’s name written in the sand. How beautiful and thoughtful. Thank you. I came home the other day to find a bag with a book that the women from church had put together of their thoughts and memories of Wendy. That has been great for me to read through. There have been many tender mercies like this and I wish I could tell you about every one of them, I only hope that everyone feels my appreciation for all the love and support that has been given to me and my little ones. With love, I thank you.

Memorial Day

Memorial day has never really been more than a day off to me before now. Today however it feels appropriate since it has been one month since that horrible night that I lost my Wendy. In some ways it seems like time went by so quickly, but in all others this has seemed to be the longest year of my life. It does not seem to me that it could have only been just a month ago. I am not the same person that I was then, and I know I will never be again. It is more painful today now that life is supposedly moving forward and here I am with the tremendous pangs of missing her. In many ways today is worse than any other previous day, in other ways it is better, but I would not want to move backward to have to redo any of it. I have read through her journals and her calendars and things that she made her little notes on and while it helps me to remember all those wonderful memories, I can’t help but think I am only torturing myself with that at night, but I can’t seem to stop and put them down and just go to sleep, so I sit and read and reminisce and feel every bit of pain that comes with missing her all the more. I think it helps a little too. We forget how much we love the ones we are married to as we get hung up on day to day stresses and all the “stuff” that comes with it. As I read over the emails we used to send each other every day when we were first married and even into the following years, I don’t ever doubt that I know she knew how I felt about her, but I also couldn’t help but notice how less frequent those little love notes and things became. If there is one thing that anyone else should take away from this is to not let those days go by without a little something to remind them of what they mean to you. If you took a moment and thought what your life would be like without them, we would be less likely to miss those opportunities regularly. I would give anything to have her back right now and tell her that.

On this last trip I took to interview in Arizona for med school, I found a baggie with jelly beans and a note from my sweet wife. These things need to be done regularly. I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed living with Wendy and how much I enjoy marriage because of what my experience is with it. I am not saying this to sound boastful or stand on a soap box at all and by no means am I saying everything was perfect all the time. But if while you are reading this and you are thinking that is not the case in your relationships, then make it so. Good relationships don’t happen to you, they happen because of you and the one you are with, and you can’t wait until the other person makes the effort… it doesn’t work unless their comfort is more important to you than your own. I know there are all sorts of bad circumstances, but I hope those are the exception. Believe me when I say that I recognize how lucky I am to have what I have with Wendy and will always cherish the memories of this life with her. I am not trying to preach or anything, but now that I am left alone with my thoughts and memories and my experience of marriage to Wendy in this life, I am left to ponder on how we did. There are many thoughts of how I could have been better, but I feel pretty good with the fact that she knows I love her and that I know she loves me and we were always happy together. I was reading through a recent talk by Richard G. Scott “the eternal blessings of marriage” and I couldn’t help but think how touching it was to hear his experience with his wife. Life should be good and happy and marriage can be excellent, but it is not something that happens by accident, Wendy understood that well and I am the lucky recipient of her knowing that. I love her, I will always love her and I am grateful during this time of pondering that I think we did marriage right. I miss her so much that it physically aches and I look forward to seeing her again and making sure that she agrees with my assessment of how we did in this life.

I have thought a lot about my little Maylee as well. I feel guilty sometimes that my pain in missing Wendy sometimes overshadows Maylee's few hours here on earth and how much I would have loved to be her daddy and be around her. I am glad she is able to be with Wendy, but I still long for what I was anticipating with getting to know her like I know her older siblings. I don’t know how that all plays out in the eternal perspective exactly, but I sure hope I can hold her as the little baby and pick up where we left off.

Kenna helping me out

This is a picture that I didn't know existed, until a few moments ago when it was sent to me. Thanks Jennifer.

To my wife

Dear Wendy,

Today I got up. That may not seem like much, but that is always my first goal of the day. Our little Evan helps with that and makes it quick so I don’t have to think too much about why this king bed has extra room.

I was cleaning out your purse today and came across your notebook that you wrote recipes and quotes you wanted to remember. The last one you wrote said “just one lifetime won’t be enough for us.” I have nothing more to add to that, I couldn’t agree more. Thank you for leaving that for me.

You wouldn’t believe the amount of people that have seen your blog, a lot of them have left such sweet remarks and send their love to us. It has been a tremendous gift for me to read their comments and I wish I was able to know all of them. It is a testament to the good that is within all of us to see them.

Your funeral was beautiful, the days before were grey and the days after were grey and rainy and cold, but the sun shone the day we buried your body with Maylee in your arms. It was a beautiful day. You would have been proud of your brothers and sisters. They all talked and did well, and you could even understand them through the emotion, which may be a first for them. I think I held up alright too. Kenna came up to the stand to hand me a tissue and that made me laugh a little. They are always concerned with how others are feeling, we have done well with them so far, I will try not to undo any of that.

This process is new to me, I don’t feel the sadness as often today, I would almost welcome that compared to the pain that I feel now. It is not so bad when I am with other people, but when I am alone and I have time to think or go through the pictures of you there is nothing but pain from missing you so much. So soon and already I forget how incredibly beautiful you are. I hope I told you that enough. You would say sometimes that when I walked into a room you would see me and think, I can’t believe he is mine… I would feel like that all the time with you, I can’t believe I get to keep you, but how I wish you were here. I miss you so much.

Mundane tasks like showering and eating and getting the mail just don’t seem all that important and I don’t feel like doing them, they get done out of need rather than want. There is not a time when I am not thinking of you, but the things around the house make it even more dominant. Moving forward and moving on are different things to me. I will never move on, but I want to move forward and get organized, but I think it would be more difficult to see an empty closet than to walk in and see all of your clothes hanging there. Simple things like throwing out your old toothbrush are hard for me to do, so there it sits in our bathroom. I don’t know exactly how to go about that kind of stuff.

Dallin finally lost that front tooth that has been hanging on forever. His smile is just how you love, the toothless grin that is so fun at this stage, he even whistles a little as he talks. I am doing alright, but its these things that I ache for you to see and be here with me to experience and that is when I miss you most. As strange as it sounds too, I was eating the other day and I thought about some of your recipes, I have no idea how to make them and I am not sure your notes scribbled on the side of your day planner is decipherable enough to know what goes into those. These dumb little things like that make a bigger deal to me than I thought they would. Kind of silly, I know.

Kenna is still dealing in her way, she asks questions and sometimes gets sad and says how much she misses the two of you, but otherwise she is a happy little girl that goes about her day playing and seeing wonder in everything beautiful around her. Our independent little Evan has become more dependent. He has to always take inventory of where I am and has wanted to be held more often than any time before. He will ask about you and where you are throughout the day and is satisfied with the answers he gets. I heard him ask Dallin where you were and you would be so proud of how our little 6 year old is shouldering the big brother role. He answered simply and to the point that you had died and are with Heavenly Father. Evan just said “Oh” in his little voice and kept playing. They accept things so differently than we do.

There are so many that continue to help and it has been nice to have it. There are still so many things that I don’t know that I don’t know, but every day presents new tasks that you usually handled so well and some of them without me even knowing that you did regularly. I hope you know how much I appreciated all of that stuff. It is good to be with friends and family though too. There are times when I am talking with friends and laughing and I feel guilty and am not completely sure how to act, this is a new thing for me, but I know you and I know you want us to be happy. I remember when Dallin was born and he would wake in the night to eat. You would quietly feed him and change him and put him back to bed without waking me. I told you if you need help to wake me and you just smiled and said that just because you were awake doesn’t mean I had to be too. You were always very unselfish and knowing that helps me to enjoy life still right now. I know that just because you aren’t here enjoying friends and family doesn’t mean that we can’t. That helps me.

I have decided to see how we can still make Med school work this year. I feel good about that and feel that being busy is better than not. I think the family will be a tremendous help in that and it would not be possible right now without them, but I feel like it will be good to get started on what we both talked about so much.

It has only been two weeks, but it feels like there has been months during that time. So much has happened, so many thoughts have gone through my mind. I just can’t get my brain to turn off. It helps sometimes to sit and write to let it out, so here I am. You would be happy I have updated my journal a lot lately, I know that is something you did better than me and I am glad you did now. I am trying to be better. You being gone doesn’t change the fact that I am still trying to be a better person because of you. I never want to give you any reason to be disappointed.

I love you Sweetheart, and look forward to seeing you after I am done here,

Your Husband, Denny