Memorial day has never really been more than a day off to me before now. Today however it feels appropriate since it has been one month since that horrible night that I lost my Wendy. In some ways it seems like time went by so quickly, but in all others this has seemed to be the longest year of my life. It does not seem to me that it could have only been just a month ago. I am not the same person that I was then, and I know I will never be again. It is more painful today now that life is supposedly moving forward and here I am with the tremendous pangs of missing her. In many ways today is worse than any other previous day, in other ways it is better, but I would not want to move backward to have to redo any of it. I have read through her journals and her calendars and things that she made her little notes on and while it helps me to remember all those wonderful memories, I can’t help but think I am only torturing myself with that at night, but I can’t seem to stop and put them down and just go to sleep, so I sit and read and reminisce and feel every bit of pain that comes with missing her all the more. I think it helps a little too. We forget how much we love the ones we are married to as we get hung up on day to day stresses and all the “stuff” that comes with it. As I read over the emails we used to send each other every day when we were first married and even into the following years, I don’t ever doubt that I know she knew how I felt about her, but I also couldn’t help but notice how less frequent those little love notes and things became. If there is one thing that anyone else should take away from this is to not let those days go by without a little something to remind them of what they mean to you. If you took a moment and thought what your life would be like without them, we would be less likely to miss those opportunities regularly. I would give anything to have her back right now and tell her that.
On this last trip I took to interview in Arizona for med school, I found a baggie with jelly beans and a note from my sweet wife. These things need to be done regularly. I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed living with Wendy and how much I enjoy marriage because of what my experience is with it. I am not saying this to sound boastful or stand on a soap box at all and by no means am I saying everything was perfect all the time. But if while you are reading this and you are thinking that is not the case in your relationships, then make it so. Good relationships don’t happen to you, they happen because of you and the one you are with, and you can’t wait until the other person makes the effort… it doesn’t work unless their comfort is more important to you than your own. I know there are all sorts of bad circumstances, but I hope those are the exception. Believe me when I say that I recognize how lucky I am to have what I have with Wendy and will always cherish the memories of this life with her. I am not trying to preach or anything, but now that I am left alone with my thoughts and memories and my experience of marriage to Wendy in this life, I am left to ponder on how we did. There are many thoughts of how I could have been better, but I feel pretty good with the fact that she knows I love her and that I know she loves me and we were always happy together. I was reading through a recent talk by Richard G. Scott “the eternal blessings of marriage” and I couldn’t help but think how touching it was to hear his experience with his wife. Life should be good and happy and marriage can be excellent, but it is not something that happens by accident, Wendy understood that well and I am the lucky recipient of her knowing that. I love her, I will always love her and I am grateful during this time of pondering that I think we did marriage right. I miss her so much that it physically aches and I look forward to seeing her again and making sure that she agrees with my assessment of how we did in this life.
I have thought a lot about my little Maylee as well. I feel guilty sometimes that my pain in missing Wendy sometimes overshadows Maylee's few hours here on earth and how much I would have loved to be her daddy and be around her. I am glad she is able to be with Wendy, but I still long for what I was anticipating with getting to know her like I know her older siblings. I don’t know how that all plays out in the eternal perspective exactly, but I sure hope I can hold her as the little baby and pick up where we left off.
35 comments:
Hi Denny. We have been thinking a lot about you. You are amazing. Thank you for your inspirational words. They are truly making a huge impact on the way people are spending their time here on Earth. Really love your new profile picture on facebook of the two of you. Beautiful!!
love, Aaron and Jess
Denny, I really appreciate your words and thoughts throughout your experience with Wendy's passing. I know that this is very painful for you, but also know that there is a lot of love and support for you whenever you need it. I am grateful for what you said about really appreciating what you have and making sure your spouse knows how you feel everyday. We do take things for granted so easily, and although nobody would ever ask for something so tragic to happen as Wendy's death, your words and experience are extremely invaluable to all who read them. Thank you for being so strong and sharing this with everyone.
Hi Denny,
I am just a quiet grandmother who reads blogs, and in doing so found a link to yours and Wendy's. Although I don't know you, my heart has shared your sadness this past month as I have thought of you and prayed for you, your little ones, and your extended family. You have done an amazing job of capturing this past month and bringing it to a standstill, so that you can grab the moments, record them for your precious little ones, and in so doing immortalize your memories of your sweet Wendy. My prayers for you have included comfort, strength, peace and healing. I don't believe for a moment that the Lord would have you remain in a rut; that doesn't glorify Him or bring honor to Wendy's memory. Although you need the time to remember, to grieve, to weep, to writhe in emotional anguish -- the day will dawn with new strength and peace to carry you forward, to build a life for these little ones that you have been entrusted to care for.
Your Memorial Day post truly reflects the love that you have for Wendy, and you have honored her memory so sweetly as you have picked up and recorded the past month on your family blog.
Be encouraged, be strong, be of good faith in the Lord as you slowly put one foot in front of the other, moving forward in the life that God has given you. In our weakness, Jesus makes us strong. May you feel His strength, His joy, His peace as you pick up your shattered self and put back together the life that you share with your beloved Little Ones.
I know it wasn't easy, but thank you for taking the time to keep your family's blog current with your thoughts and memories.
And one thing in closing. My grandson had an aortic repair when he was only 5 weeks old (almost 5 years ago). Wendy's story has been the reminder for us to take this little guy every year for his cardiology appointments and make certain he is monitored (I'm assuming that Wendy's surgery as a small girl was for an aortic coarctation also). Thank you for posting the cause of her death. It drove home the point for us that a repair can fail at a later time in life.
May God bless and keep you and your little ones.
Denny,
I just couldn't pass by without thanking you for putting your thoughts onto this blog. I happened across your wife's blog a few weeks ago when you posted of her death. I do not know either of you personally but can appreciate and empathize with the hurt you may be feeling. While my experiences are quite different from yours, your feelings and emotions are very familiar and it's comforting somehow to read your words. Thank you for sharing your precious eternal perspective. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Best, Rebecca
Your blog has touched my heart so deeply. Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts and feelings. It has strengthened my testimony and I know that it will strengthen so many others as well. Your beautiful family is in my thoughts and prayers at this difficult time. I pray that the Lord will continue to strengthen you and you will continue to be comforted during the difficult days ahead.
The words you write are just beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your posts Denny. I, too, happened upon your blog and am constantly touched by your thoughts. Thank you for sharing!
Hi Denny,I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a spouse is like non other. I lost my husband 4 years ago while I was pregnant with our only child. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I still miss him daily even though I am now with someone else. It still hurts. I will not say it gets easier or better. I truly believe we just learn to deal with the pain. I wish you luck and happiness. Enjoy your babies. Wendy would want you to be happy, love them, and just teach them about how wonderful their mother was.
I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking about your family. I came across your blog and cannot stop thinking about how you are all doing. I look foward to your updates. I am grateful for this post, it really does make me think about how I spend my time with my family. It makes me want to be better and not take anything for granted. I am sorry for your loss, but I am thankful that you are so willing to share and help us all be better people.
You will have the wishes of your hear, this life is just a fleeting moment in time. So for now, be the best daddy you can, keep your chin up, do your best in all that you do and make your Wendy proud. In the end you will ALL be a family again and this will all be just a memory and an experience.
Denny,
I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your wife Wendy and daughter Maylee. I have silently read your blog for the last month and felt like leaving a comment. I don't remember meeting Wendy but she sounds like an angel. I appreciate your writing and the way that you are handling life after such an experience. Since Wendy chose to marry you, you have to be exceptional also. Give yourself some credit!
I dont know you very well but I can tell that you are genuine and caring. I guess those are attributes that I want to portray, and I admire that you have always had them. I look forward to reading your posts, and will continue to draw strength from your example and testimony of the gospel. Thank you.
Jason Richardson
laurelandjason.blogspot.com
My heart shatters each time I read your blog. Although not exactly the same, I lost my sister 22-months ago when she unexpectedly passed due to complications of childbirth (eclampsia). I know a touch of your grief and pray that you feel the Lord's love during your grief. I love that you have courageously shared your experience and feelings.
Hang in there!
www.kleingirls.blogspot.com
I am amazed at your strength through your trial and hardship of loosing your wife and baby. May the Lord comfort you and bless you and your family. I have a friend that lost her husband suddenly in February, your posts are so similar, maybe it can help you to read her thoughts and known your feelings are normal for the loss of a loved one. Btford.blogspot.com
Yo are such an inspiration and I enjoy reading your posts. Thanks for sharing!
Adrie
Hello Denny..I also happened upon your blog today and couldn't help but ache for you and your family. I am literally sobbing reading your account. I am so sorry for your pain.
You are a strong man, and God knew you were going to be. Keep him close and relish your kids as you are. You have inspired me to be a better mother from reading about your amazing wife.
Thank you for sharing.
Christy Ivory
You have a wonderful talent for writing. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences, even when it may be so hard. My prayers are with you and your children.
Hey Denny, I came by your blog through a friend of a friend. I have tears in my eyes and a pit in my stomach when I read about your loss. We are blessed to belong to the TRUE church and have knowledge. I appreciate your thoughts and willingness to share. I needed to hear this today, my husband needs to know everyday how much I appreciate and love him, and your example is a good reminder. ((hugs)) I have kept you and your sweet family in my prayers. Your doing a great job. I know she is proud of you. With love,
Rachel&Matthew from Arizona
I don't know how you can do this, but Thanks for continuing to share your thoughts and feelings with us! You are always in our thoughts, heart and prayers!
I served in the same mission as Wendy, but unfortunately I never got to meet her. I got to he mission field in November of 2001.
I hope you continue to find comfort, and may you be strengthened at this time. You are a great example to all of us, I admire your courage, and resolve to make the best of your situation. Your family is in our prayers.
Your family has been in my thoughts and prayers since I came across your blog. May the Lord bless you with comfort and the strength to carry on.
Denny - thank you for sharing your story with us. Although I would never wish for anyone to experience such pain, I also know that we have to experience some very painful things in this life in order to grow. And, it's nice to know that we can offer comfort to each other as we go through those hard times. I am truly inspired by your family's story.
I also wanted you to know that I believe you'll be able to see Maylee grow up after this life. My husband and I's first child, our Claire, was stillborn this past November. A great source of comfort for me has been several teachings by the prophet Joseph Smith. To paraphrase one of his teachings, he basically said that any children we lay down in the grave in this life will rise up in their same form in the next and we will have the opportunity to raise them then. I am so excited to see our daughter grow up and to not miss out on those experiences. I am also very excited for you and Wendy to be able to share that time with Maylee.
Keep taking each day as it comes, one day at a time. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
I read the article in the Herald online, and followed the link to your blog. Just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you, I hope you are maintaining your faithful perspective despite the pain and difficulties, and to thank you for the encouragement to not lose any opportunity to demonstrate the love I have for my husband and children. Thank you for sharing your story!
Holy cow! A whole bunch of stangers have been so touched by you. You are so awesome, Denny. You are such the type of person to make the best out of any kind of situation- whether good or bad. And just look at how many people have been affected by your thoughts. Thanks for reminding us of the important things in life. Guess, I need to go now to figure out what I can do for Aaron today to let him know I love him! You are great and I love you to death. See you soon!
Denny, my sister married your cousin and I've read your words in the past weeks. My heart and prayers are with you and your small family. I simply want to thank you for the perspective you share. The words and thoughts you share of your dear wife, your children and your faith are very inspiring and will affect each who reads them for the better. I know how they affect me and cause me to reflect on my own marriage and relationship with my children. Thank you.
My mom passed away when I was nine. 25 years later I miss her more than ever. We were blessed with a father who loved us more than anything and who lead (and still leads) with the faith and example which they mutually developed during their marriage. We all felt it and to this day recognize it as the power that kept us moving forward, focused and anxious for the day when she'll be reunited with us. My memories of her are faded and infrequent, but the love and warmth I feel for her and our family are stronger today than ever. The eternities will be glorious.
your words are so beautiful. everyone who reads them can feel the love that you and wendy had for each other. i am so sorry for your pain and the pain of your children. may God bless all of you and bring you peace.
Hi Denny,
I don't know you or your family, however a mutual friend of ours (The knights) shared a link to your blog. I decided to read your blog and sit here in a puddle of tears.
I am humbled by the strength of your testimony, your insight and how during a time of most tremendous pain (I can't even begin to comprehend), you write a post uplifting, encouraging and helping others.
I have a testimony (at least I think I do), however when I read about people suffering such difficult things and reflect on how I might go on if faced with a trial, it's hard for me to imagine doing so with the faith, insight and perspective you have shared. Just reading your blog strengthens my testimony and also makes me realize how much growing I still have to do.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, feelings, words,...and memories most dear to you. They are a strength to myself (and others reading), and will be a treasure for you and your children.
Although I don't know you, I know that we are all part of one big family, so while my heart breaks for you and your little ones as though I know you personally, I will keep you all in my prayers, hoping that healing, comfort and peace make their way to your hearts as quickly as possible.
Thank you again for sharing.
It's Heather again,...I should have proof-read my comment.
In the 3rd paragraph what I write makes it sound as though I haven't had any trials. We all have trials, so what it should say is:
"however when I read about people suffering such difficult things and reflect on how I might go on if faced with SUCH a trial"...
Just wanted to clarify.
HI Denny, you do not know me but a blogging friend had your link up and I have been following you since! So sorry for your loss and time of grievance, I could never imagine what you are dealing with and going through, its times like these, that make us stronger, and stronger for your kids too. I cried reading your entry, and the fact that I dont know you, makes me relize how real every situation really is, no matter who they are, every marriage is close to the heart, and as I was reading, I felt like you and Wendy had a wonderful marriage. breaks my heart to see someone so wonderful, be left on this earth to follow on, its hard but your not the first, nor the last, and we all have to continue on. Thank you for the inspiration, I constantly am telling my husband not to take tomorrow for granted, and I very often sit back and watch him everyday, just because I can and because he amazes me every day. I hope each day gets better and I know its sad to think it will, but for your kids, they will look up to you and follow you along! Take care and thank you for giving us wonderful posts to read!
Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
Hi Denny, I have also just found your blog, it is amazing to me the strenght that you having after loosing such wonderful person in your life. I am glad that you wrote your recent one it was like you were writing it just for me to read.Sometimes we can get in a rut and forget about the people around us until they are no longer there. It is a touching reminder to all that this life on earth is such a very short time and to ALWAYS make sure that the ones that we love so much in our lives need to know that we care about them. Thank you so much.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. We are a family in a similar stage of life as you were--young kids, and further education in our midst (my husband is getting his PhD in Columbus, OH after a few years in the workforce already). Crying the whole time (you are able to articulate such that things seem clear to me about your situation, thus the flow of tears). Your writings compel me to go upstairs and kiss all of my sleeping kids, especially my baby. Thank you for sharing your perspective. --Heidi in Columbus, OH
Your words are so touching. Thank you for the reminder about what really matters. Your family continues to be in my prayers.
Hi Denny,
I would often check in on your blog as I was making the rounds on Sunday to see what everyone was up to. But I never left comments, and now I wish I would have. So while I am still checking in on your blog, I can't NOT comment. I spoke to your Dad at Grandma's funeral and told him how much I admire you for your strength. You are seriously my hero because of your faith and example during this tremendous trial. Just like everyone else I am so touched by your words and want to thank you for reminding me of what is really most important in this life and the next. Thank you for sharing your heartfelt words. I also continue to pray for you and your 3 little ones.
Love your cousin,
Mandy
P.S. you said you are going to try and make med school work. Are you still coming to AZ then? That is where we are and we would love to help out in any way!
"Good relationships don’t happen to you, they happen because of you."
I have had a couple friends refer me to your blog when this first happened. Your tender words and experiences have touched my life. Another friend reminded me today of your blog and I have continued reading your thoughts and insights.
An uncle of mine lost his sweet wife after only a couple years of marriage and still had his 1 year old daughter to cate for. His strength has always been admiring to me. Hearing your words helps to give me an insight very much of I am sure he had/has felt.
How grateful I am for these experiences on earth to prepare us for the eternities. Along with many others I would like to thank you for sharing your strength through your trials and though hard as it is you are moving forward. You are in my prays and pray that you may continue to realize the difference you are now making. Thank you much love.
Kristine
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