Happy Birthday

A friend lined the driveway with balloons this morning. It was a welcome surprise.

Dear Wendy,

     Happy birthday. Today you would be 34, I think about all that has happened in the last 18 months since you left and its hard to think about all we have had to do without you. The kids look so tiny in the pictures at your funeral. They are still small, but they have grown a lot in the year and half. Its hard for me to decipher what memories you were here for and what I have done alone. The schedule with school and the kids is harder to balance than I could have imagined. I knew it would be hard when I decided to move ahead with it, so I can’t complain now that I am in it. I have help with the kids during the day and that makes it possible. I also couldn’t have asked for a better nanny in the afternoons, that has been a great blessing too. There are so many things that I wish you didn’t have to miss out on and that I wish we could have you here for. It is especially difficult to see what the kids don’t have with you. It has been affecting them more and more lately. Kenna started kindergarten this year and it is hard for her to see all the other moms picking them up at the end of the day. She has had her struggles with that. Dallin is always so strong I sometimes worry that he is keeping things in too much, but he broke down the other day. Kenna, Evan and I were dancing to music and having fun one night when Dallin walked in the room and quickly left.  I followed to ask him what he was thinking about, he said “nothing” as he usually does and then curled up to me and started sobbing. He said he was thinking about how much more fun it would be if you were still here. He remembers those little dance parties well and it made him sad that he was missing his partner.

      I am learning that there are reasons in the way we are designed. I see that more and more as I heal and get used to the idea of not having you here. Our process is on different schedules. Early on when it was hard to imagine why they weren’t handling it like I felt they should or just didn’t understand, I see that I didn’t really have anything left in the tank to give them what they would need. I feel more prepared now and it seems the harder part of the process is just starting for them. I don’t have all the answers, but I feel like they are doing well. There are just some things that are going to hurt and as much as I wish I could, I can’t change that for them. Dallin’s school had a “mommy son date night” the other day. When he brought me the flyer he asked if he should just throw it away. I could tell it really bothered him. I had a lot of “Fathers and son’s” camping trips over the years with some great home teachers and other men from my church, so I knew a little of how he might be feeling.  He went with his aunt Brooke and had a lot of fun. Nothing will ever be exactly the same, but I am grateful for the women in their life that have been there for them at times like that.

     There are many things of being a parent that are hard. Dallin used to ask me all the time what super power I would want if I could. I used to think I wanted to fly. But now I tell him I wish I could pause time. There are just not enough hours in the day and I always feel like everything I do is less than it could or even should be.  Between being a father, a student, a domestic manager (sounds more manly than "homemaker to me), a church member… and everything else, I never feel that one thing is as good as it should be and they all suffer a little. You had always loved getting their clothes for them and hunting for deals and storing the old and getting out the new clothes. You would always buy all the next years clothes for them on some “really good deal” day at old navy or some place with Molly and Mare. The boys were still wearing those for the most part. Poor Evan’s PJ’s were probably cutting off the circulation to his lower half. While cooking and cleaning and things like that are hard to keep up with, at least I get how to do that. I don’t get clothes shopping… don’t think I ever will. Fortunately for me my mom and Alesha enjoy that sort of thing. I watch Kenna and how she always wants to play dress up, or wear a few outfits a day…especially when she gets clothes from her cousins and I must admit, I don’t get that, but I can see how that can turn into a good thing for her husband when it comes to kids clothes later. With boys, they are always excited about the new toys that do cool stuff. That I get. That never changes, why do you think the toy aisle is in between the hunting and electronics aisle in Wal-mart? … its because guys still think they are in the toy aisle. Clothes I just don’t understand though. They seem to grow out of it so quickly. More reminders of how long you have been gone. They don’t fit in the clothes you bought for the next year anymore.

Kenna lost her first tooth. The other followed close behind. She asked me if the tooth fairy was real the other night after losing the first one. I just asked her what she thought about it and she said she didn’t think so. I told her that the kids that didn’t believe didn’t get a visit from the tooth fairy. She just smiled and said “oh, right, I will put the tooth out just in case”… I don’t think she felt doubts in the morning, not sure how many years she will feel that way, but I will never rush her there. Next month Dallin will be baptized. He talks about it all the time. After the first year I was naïve in thinking we were done with the “firsts” but I know there are many more to come.

     It was a very different kind of experience moving into a new area and new ward without you and under these circumstances. The people are great, but in a church where family is so sacred, I can’t help but feel broken in that regard. My perspective is different now. I never had to be all that outgoing with inviting people over or going to friend’s homes for dinner because you were so quick to make new friends wherever we went. Ha, sometimes I wonder if people just tolerated me so they could hang out with you. I certainly wouldn’t blame them for that. It is something that has made the transition even more different, but I understand the uniqueness here. I have to remind myself that I am not married anymore and that I am not just a family in the church, but to others I am a single guy with kids. There are differences.

      I miss you so much… that will never change. I have been more ok with the idea of being with someone new lately, and that’s a good thing. I haven’t really felt ok with it before. I know this might be a strange topic to talk about on your birthday, but I think it is often the unasked question by others, but on their mind none the less. It took me a while to figure out that enjoying someone else’s company doesn’t mean I had to stop missing and grieving losing you. The idea of that is simple, the application is where it always got difficult. There are so many times I wish I could talk with you about that process… and maybe laugh about it with you in some of it, but then if I could I wouldn’t be dealing with it now would I? I lost my best friend, I learned how marriage should be with you. I realize more and more that our relationship was uniquely great. We were truly happy together. Even among successful marriages that is a unique thing. I don’t say that to boast, but I won’t down play it or pretend otherwise.  If something new doesn’t promise a similar experience and a new and different happiness, then I won’t do it. To some that might seem selfish, but I know what the kids lost too and I won’t short change them either. Getting into something simply out of need is not the right reason. I think there is so much that our daughter and our sons can learn from having that kind of relationship. I can only partly be the kind of father the way I would hope to without being married here. I am not suggesting that I am perfect in that regard, you know better than anyone that is far from the case, but I don’t think it is arrogant to say that I was pretty good at that and it was because of the feelings we had for each other. I am very aware how that might be for someone coming into our family, and if I get married again it is because I am excited about her and in love with her too and not because I am trying to get back to what I had before or replace you in any way. You are irreplaceable. It will be different, if I tried to make it the same, nothing would ever be enough. It needs to be different. I know it will come with many new and unique experiences and challenges, but I feel it will be worth the effort when it feels right again. All I can do is follow what I feel is right. I realize I have probably said similar things before, but now I understand it a little more.

     I wonder all the time what your perspective on this is. What you are allowed to see and experience and be a part of. Maybe some days… like when the kids are detoxing from Halloween candy and I need a break, I am sure it is your influence that keeps me from going insane! I still see baby girls that would be Maylee’s age and think about how much I miss what could have been. I am glad that whatever you can be a part of with us or even whatever you can’t, that you have her with you. I do wish I could feel you more and I hope that the kids can develop a sensitivity to those kinds of things better than me. There is still so much that I wish I had answers on, so much that has changed the way I look at life, so much that I have learned from this and from you and from others. There have been days that I would never care to relive, but I see them as necessary to learn a little now that they are done. I am sure there will be many more moments that I would never want to endure, but with every new one it makes the next one a little more manageable. I hope you can celebrate today. We love you. We miss you… I miss you.

Love, Denny

Just my good looking boys.

Kenna got some play make up for her birthday

clearly she has some practicing to do... unless she was going for "circus raccoon", if so, she nailed it

Obviously we weren't near the "red" part of redrock

We went out to Redrock for a little hike after conference.

Getting ready for church...naturally

We had an intense hail storm one night, Evan was pretty nervous about the thunder, so Dallin told him he would sleep with him to comfort him. What a good kid.

Dallin doing some major pumpkin carving...couldn't find my picture of the end product... he carved a Yoda on the front and did great.

Kenna and her first two lost teeth. She looks a little more like her mom every day... especially in her eyes.

My little Halloweeners... hhmmhhmm, that's funny I don't care how old you are. Kenna was a princess of course, Dallin was a special agent, and Evan is a scary werewolf. Dallin's favorite part of this picture is the thing on his chest reflecting back with a glow.

Part of being a princess is having wardrobe options right? Silly girl.

The trick or treating after party... counting the loot!