Today, as I begin writing this, it is the start of the second day without my dear Wendy. I can wake up and there is one frozen moment in time that nothing is out of the ordinary and I expect to hear the garage door creak open and her footsteps up the stairs to come and tell me how her night shift at the hospital was. The moment is a short one however, and the memories from the last few days come rushing in like a torrent of nails into my head as I recall the events that landed me here on this Monday morning.
This may seem an odd thing to be writing this down so quickly, but these thoughts and words roll through my mind and this is something I can do to feel connected to reality in a small way. Wendy would spend hours sometimes updating our family blog and going down her list of friends’ links getting caught up on how everyone is doing and I guess this is a way I can connect with her right now. And although my kids don’t fully grasp it all now, someday they will and will want to know.
Nothing could have really prepared me for the pain of it all. We have all seen movies and read books about losing someone so close and dear, but the reality is not poetic and nothing makes sense of how one minute in time can tear such a gaping hole in my world. My faith in a loving Heavenly Father is the only way I can begin to comprehend these things, and am comforted knowing the type of person my sweet Wendy is.
I find that it really only hurts when I think, or sit still, or breathe, but I imagine that can only get better. I didn’t really think anything of answering her cell phone when it rang, I guess it hadn’t occurred to me that life was still going on without her. I just can’t force myself to turn her phone off yet, and what is the protocol on something like that anyway? My answer to the voice asking for her and when I would expect her back was probably more cruel than intended, surprising to me I couldn’t help feeling annoyed that there was anyone out there that didn’t know I wasn’t expecting her back. I feel bad for the person on the other side of this conversation, I wasn’t mean, but that can’t make you feel good calling to ask about someone to get that answer. I won’t be answering her phone again. I chuckle a little as I write this because it reminds me of a joke that Wendy and I would giggle at. I would always say to her that when someone asked her about her pregnancy she should act offended and say she wasn’t pregnant. Anyone who saw her recently would know how absurd that would be as she made such a cute pregnant woman, a skinny girl trying to smuggle a playground ball under her shirt, it would be obvious that she was pregnant. We would both laugh about it, but we both knew that kind of joke was not in her.
There was nothing more difficult for me than thinking about how to tell my kids… Wendy’s kids, that their mommy was not coming home again. I replayed it over and over in my mind and it never went well. I even tried to break it up a bit by telling them that the baby was sick and they were at the hospital and that we needed to go see the baby. This was yesterday. The three of them came in to see how their baby sister was doing, my daughter, Kenna, had so much excitement and anticipation on meeting her little sister that I realized it was the best way to go about it. She was able to meet her without knowing why she was here 6 weeks early or why our new little Maylee was hooked up to so many machines, she was just able to enjoy the introduction along with her brothers, who were equally excited to meet her. I had told them that their baby sister was very sick and might be going to live with Heavenly Father soon. My six year old understood, my 2 year old would ask if he could tickle her and would scream in delight “she likes me”, my daughter, four, just asked “but when can we take her home?”
After they had a chance to meet Maylee, I decided we needed to talk. As we were lead down the hall by the attending nurse, my Kenna started asking about mommy. I just told her she was somewhere else… I wasn’t about to have this “well rehearsed” talk out in the hall. I was in front of her walking so she couldn’t see her dad break. Out of the corner of my eye I could see that the nurse had lost control a little also. He was very professional and compassionate, but I couldn’t help but think how helpless I would feel in his shoes too. I learned later that he had been married a few years longer than me and had 3 kids that were all 1 year ahead of mine. I wouldn’t have been able to keep the tears back either.
We went into a private room and the three of them sat on the table in front of me. I stammered and struggled through explaining where mommy was. I told them that she was with Heavenly Father and would not be living with us anymore. My son got it. I crumbled as his face contorted into that hurt look that I had seen in my thoughts thousands of times in anticipation. Kenna and Evan played on the table a minute and wandered over to the dry erase board and began to draw. Kenna drew the best letter “A” I had seen her do. Wendy had been working with her on her letters. Evan draws squiggly lines and circles and calls them “O’s”. I just sat there and watched. Kenna asked me then when they were going to the church to pick up mommy. Ok, this was going to be a process with her. Throughout the day there were other conversations with Kenna. Later on she said that I needed to learn to do her hair now that mommy wasn’t going to be living with us. I held her close and for the first time out loud I had said that mommy was dead and that she didn’t just decide not to live with us anymore. I never want her misunderstanding that, Wendy loves her children more than anything. Another moment with Kenna was at the hospital again in the room they had set aside for us and then asked about mommy again, I tried to give her a little more information about it, and she asked “so she will not be back? …never ever?”
Another time we were sitting there watching our neighbors prepare some food when she said “ mommy will never eat lunch again” with every new revelation to her it takes my breath away. I am happy in her innocence though, it buffers it for her and her wonderful unique little care free personality helps her cope in a way only she can. At 2 in the morning I wake to her crying out, she says she had a nightmare about mommy. Me too, I think.
Dallin has been the pillar of strength. He came in and put his arm around me and said “Daddy, I am sorry you lost your wife.” What do you say to that? I just held him and said thank you, “I am sorry you lost your mommy, but we are in this together.”
Some details are getting fuzzy, so I need to write them down. I was having a tough time remembering the exact words Wendy said that were her last “ something is wrong, something is really wrong” They weren’t poignant or deep, but they were her last and that makes them critical for me to remember them exactly.
There really was nothing unique about the day, but that is what makes it perfect for her last one with us. Yes, I think I would change some things knowing what I know about the end of the day, but I really don’t know that Wendy would have, besides maybe sneaking in a few more hugs with Dallin, Kenna, and Evan. We started the morning as usual with Evan coming in asking for cereal, the others soon to follow. We gathered up and went out to Dallin’s soccer game where Grans and Grandad met up with us. On the way home we stopped by the store to get a few things for packing and Wendy felt like getting pizza for lunch. After lunch it was time for Evan to get in his “big boy bed”. Wendy would play a little game every day with him by stretching her arms and saying how tired she was and she thinks she was going to lay down in her big boy bed. Like a soldier snaps to attention, Evan would always respond in kind by first looking at Wendy with anticipation, and maybe a little to gage exactly how big of a head start he would need to beat her to that bed, and then would run as fast as his little legs would take him giggling the whole way. Wendy laid down by him for a bit, as was their routine, and then sneaks out when he is sleeping. We started going through things then and packing up some boxes to get ready to move to Arizona for med school. Wendy packed three boxes in the time it took me to pack one, I know she thinks I am too anal about how things fit in the box, but she doesn’t say anything… never did, she was just in a smiley mood. After a while of doing that Wendy started to get the kids all ready for our church party, and then get her ready to go as well. When she comes out her hair is straight. She didn’t straighten it all that often because it took a while to do it, but I always joked that people would think I was cheating on my wife with this other straight haired woman. She looked beautiful though, I always thought that, but there are moments that I would just stop and think “this girl is mine? She is way outta my league, how in the world did I do that!” Lucky schmuck.
We head out to the party and we just had fun hanging out together. We waited in the cold wind for about twenty minutes because Wendy promised Evan that he could ride a pony there at the party. If there was anything she loved more than watching her kids do new things and be happy, I am not aware of it. She LOVED that, and we loved talking about that, and planning on things like that, and laughing about it after. No one was more excited about taking the family to Disneyland. She would make little fists and shake her hands and say in a high pitch voice “I’m so excited” like the kids on the commercials. Money was tight and we almost didn’t take the trip, but I would never trade any dollar amount for the time we had together on that trip. Time. Well. Spent.
After spending time with friends we left the party a little early to get the kids to bed. We wanted to just relax and be together. We hadn’t really done that and celebrated the med school thing so we were looking forward to relaxing. We went home and got the kids ready for bed. Like most families, we were hit and miss on the family prayer, we did good overall, but sometimes craziness happened. We didn’t miss that night. Kenna said the prayer, she usually says such sweet prayers. We had gotten in the habit recently of holding hands in a circle rather than folding our arms and I like that, I know she did too.
Now to everyone else it may seem really boring that our celebrating was just hanging out and watching the Office, but we were all about cheap and uncomplicated. She was laying on the bed and I know this may sound cliché, but I really remember looking at her and thinking how beautiful she looked. Her eyes were always what I loved best and they were sparkling like they always did. I went over and kissed her because of that thought. It was only moments later that my life changed. There was no earth shattering events of the day together, but it was a good regular day. I know she loved it. I know Wendy, and she loved the day. I don’t think she would have changed a thing besides perhaps more hugs and maybe one last bowl of Peach Sherbet .
Sleep is the only place that is really free from the grief and reality. The problem with sleep is that you have to close your eyes to get there and like a wide shark infested moat with no draw bridge, it is difficult to imagine getting past it. That is where somebody puts the video on playback. It is funny how some things I can see in perfect recollection like the look of her eyes and the feelings and the smells, but can’t seem to figure out why my knee hurts and where this bruise came from, I must have hit it, but I can’t remember anything about that. I have never felt so helpless and ineffective in all my life. One moment we are there watching Steve Carell’s final episode in the Office, the next she quickly grabs her back and says it hurts. She looks at me and says “something is wrong, something is really wrong”. She rolls over to me and I hug her, I don’t think it was long before I realized she was convulsing and things speed up like someone hits fast forward on the video and pauses it occasionally to see images and memories that tie it all together. I am on the phone with 911 and she keeps telling me to count her breathes and tell her, but the operator keeps telling me to start counting again after I have told her what number we are on, I can remember thinking: “pay attention you stupid woman”, I am so frustrated that she is not listening to me, but I know she is doing a few things at once. The EMT’s get there quickly and I have to leave her to unlock the door. I have never scaled a stairway so quickly .They follow me up and begin to work with her as they kick me out of the room. As I walk out there is Natalie and Paul to help comfort me, but I can’t hold still, as if the quicker I pace, the faster they will work. Wendy would always make fun of me when I would talk on the phone because I made some good speed with my pacing. I go outside and all our neighbors, familiar faces that we have grown to love so much are there. They are good friends and try to help, but I don’t remember much of that part, just moments here and there and the feeling of complete helplessness and trying to think if there is something I should be doing. Some friends drive me to the hospital.
Next I am standing in the ER watching them work on Wendy after taking the baby, but I know, Wendy has already gone to the other side of the room where they are working with her little one, I can see in her eyes that used to shine with her in them that she is gone, the doctor would later tell me what I already knew. He says words like possible Pulmonary embolism and amniotic fluid complications and other medical terms I have learned and know well, but at one time they were words in a book, now they are attempts at explaining why my Wendy is not standing right next to me.
I went to the other side to check on baby and someone asks me what her name is. I don’t know, Wendy and I needed to talk about that still, she had her list and I knew what we liked, but… “Maylee” it must have been out loud because they said ”Maylee?” to confirm. It was that moment that I felt alone for the first time. I had Wendy to talk about things like this before, but now I had to make a decision without discussing it. We had a lot of flaws as parents, but that is something that we did really well, we talked to each other first. Always.
It was then that I noticed others showing up. My mom walked in and I lost control, the tears came and I couldn’t stop them. Others came in after, Wendy’s brothers David and Nathan and her sisters Julie and Laura, Scott, my family and friends among others. As they came in I couldn’t help but avoid eye contact as much as I could for fear that I would lose control again and I couldn’t do that more than I had already, it was too much to process. Later her family said how much my mom took control and comforted them, and how grateful they were for it.
Bishop Sims was there and he anointed Maylee and gave a blessing to her. Later I had a talk with Maylee and told her it was her choice whether she wanted to fight the tremendous fight that she had ahead of her and we would be happy to have her in our arms and home or she could stay and take care of her mommy who would need her there and would ache to have her with her. I already knew by the words of the blessing that had given where her decision would take her, but I still wanted her to know we would be alright with her choice. I have come to understand since and have no doubt she had a very specific assignment to come and get Wendy and she was not about to deviate from that task.
There was a lot of workers there to help me and several things going on at once, I remember travelling between the areas where Wendy’s body was, which by then all was quiet on that side, and then back to the chaos and action over where Maylee was. There was so much, but all I could think about was whether my kids were still asleep at home, Evan would not have gone back to sleep if we weren’t there.
Bishop Kent asked if I had received a blessing yet and led me down the hall where family gathered. There was a very special spirit there and the words were of great comfort. There was one point that stands out to me, however, that commanded peace and my body and mind obeyed. I didn’t feel like I had to keep moving so fast anymore. For the first time that night I felt like I was thinking clearly and as much as it hurts, Wendy focused so much on her family that it’s where she needed my mind to be. She was not there in that body I came to know and love so well because of the spirit that it housed, and I needed to focus on her children that I am lucky to call mine as well. Maylee first. I knew the others were sleeping and being cared for at that moment, so I could focus on Wendy’s last born in this world.
The information I was getting was not good, but I remember thinking that it was for the better. As much as I wanted her to come home with us I knew there was significant damage and that Maylee would need a lot of care and focus. Focus that I know would take away from the other three. Yes, this was right and we just needed to get to know her a little in her short time here with us. They transported her to IMC in Murray shortly after that.
I road with Wendy’s brother Nathan to my house to check on the kids and then we head up to the hospital. I know we spoke a little and I know it helped, but I was still trying to make sense of the night and can’t recall much.
We got up to the hospital late that same night where some of my family was waiting. It was good to have them there. I had so much racing through my mind, but I remember getting stuck on the fact that I couldn’t do Kenna’s hair. Wendy always took so much care and time to make Kenna’s hair so amazing, I couldn’t get over that. Silly really.
I went home early that morning to try to be there when the kids woke up. I was happy the morning routine was just like normal to them. Wendy worked night shifts at the hospital and it was normal to have her gone in the mornings sometimes so the kids didn’t question anything.
The Day of May
When I arrive at the hospital again, Wendy’ uncle Larry was there. I am often amazed at how incredible the people of her family are. He was a tremendous help during it all and stayed with us long hours. Wendy would be happy to have some of her mom there with Maylee. I know Wendy was with us, but there are times I am sure that she travelled to be with the parents she loves so much as they made the long trek from Africa under these circumstances. She would have known it would be hard.
Being there with Maylee and watching the nurses work with her was somewhat comforting, it gave me some connection with Wendy and her work as a nurse. I couldn’t help but think as they lay a PIC line that Wendy could do that better than any of them, they were doing great, she may have even been helping, I just know Wendy was the best, not by anything she would tell me or even that I saw her in action ever, I just knew she was. I was proud of her.
The doctors and nurses there at the IMC women’s center couldn’t have been better. They were very understanding and compassionate and I can’t express enough gratitude for the way they treated us, and let’s face it, I know the caliber of person that becomes a nurse!
We were hoping that Maylee would hold on long enough for Wendy’s parents to get here so that we could give her a blessing with her name, but she had other plans and her poor little body was exhausted. Her body began to shut down and so we called the family together.
Another of Wendy’s uncles was there at the hospital. It had been years before, but he had been married for 8 years and had three kids ages 6, 4, and 2 as well as a 4 month old when his wife had died. Do you mean people really survive this? It was good to see that then.
As we gathered, the nurses gave us a more private room to come together and brought in a beautiful dress and booties and bracelet. I know I don’t really get that stuff, but I know enough to know Wendy would have loved it and picked nothing else for her.
They handed her to me and I got to hold her for the first time. She is so little, but looks so much like Wendy with her little tongue out. All of Wendy’s pictures as a baby that I can recall have that tongue out. She would always say “I wonder what she is going to look like”. I wish she could see her and hold her like this. She will.
Dallin was there and he got to hold her next. I don’t know what exactly his thoughts were, maybe I will ask him another time. He didn’t hold her long, but he loved being there.
We all gathered around this new little infant and gave her a blessing and a name. Maylee Wendy Mack. I can recall feelings most of all. One part stands out, especially since they were familiar to me from a similar instance in the passing of Maylee’s cousin Tyson. Part of Maylee’s role here on earth is so that people can understand our savior a little more clearly. Mission accomplished.
I was a little sad that my mom didn’t get to be there to hold her, but she was with my other babies, Evan and Kenna and that was very important to me. I do have to say this, if there is a tragedy like this, everyone needs brothers like mine to take care of the things that I don’t have the energy or focus to do. With my mom, Alesha and Garth taking the kids so I know they are ok and Jason and Rob doing the things that I haven’t even thought of or known they needed done, I have been able to focus a little better on healing and taking care of Maylee and Wendy and all that entails now. They will never know how that has helped me.
After the blessing, there were several family members that got to hold Maylee and snuggle her a little. During that time I had a conversation with the organ donation agency in hopes that Maylee would be able to possibly make someone else’s burdens a little lighter. I know the timing was critical in that and am not sure exactly if that worked out.
After that I came to hold her again as we took off the machines and let her quietly pass to Wendy’s arms. It took only minutes, she was ready.
We held her a little longer and said our goodbyes. We will miss what we could have had, and look forward to that opportunity one day. Goodbye Sweet Maylee, we love you so much. Early morning May 2nd 2011.
As I get the kids in the bath I think about Wendy. I often am ashamed about the selfish feelings I feel during this time. I would often do other things while she got the kids out and dried and dressed just to avoid doing it myself. I would do the same with dirty diapers sometimes acting dumb, yeah, like anyone within a 5 mile radius would be able to not notice an Evan diaper! She would always do it, I am not naïve in thinking she was fooled for a second. These kinds of things are not an option anymore. Selfish. Here I am thinking about how hard bath time will be when Wendy would give anything to do it once more.
The night we found out that I got into med school, we knelt in prayer to give thanks for a lot of the events and things leading up to that. I remember saying that we were grateful for the trials and the strength that we feel that we had gained from them and the closeness that resulted, I remember praying specifically for strength in any upcoming trials that we can continue to learn and grow from. As I said that, I remember thinking specifically that I don’t want that to sound like I was asking for more trials. Funny. I know we will grow from this, and it would be a dishonor to Wendy if not.
We were perfect. I am not perfect, and as much as I think she is, I know she was not perfect, but WE were perfect. I can recall times of being short with her on some things, I can even recall times being confused when she would apologize to me for being grumpy even though I had no idea, even her grumpy was nice to me! She made up for my short comings in many ways. I can’t help but feel silly about the times I would stop by taco bell and pay cash so it wouldn’t show on the account because I didn’t want her to think I wasn’t eating right or spending where I shouldn’t. I would pay for it when I got home by stuffing myself with what she had prepared just to keep up the charade. Mostly I think she was on to me. That and surprise gifts were the only things I kept from her. It seems stupid, but I feel guilty about it now that I know she knows.
Wendy did so much… and I realize little by little each minute just how much. From the detailed beautiful designs in Kenna’s hair that she and I love so much to the chores around the house. I would change the kids and then throw their clothes in the laundry room only to have them magically reappear clean and folded in their drawers the next time we got them dressed. She was the strength that kept me grounded, like why, when we are struggling to pay the bills while I get into med school, I, her stupid husband can’t buy a flat screen HDTV (my words not hers), I didn’t argue one bit on that, but all us men know that if she was ok with it, there would be a big screen on the wall connected to the internet instead of the HOA fees paid. She never even said a word on that, she would just give me a look that said how ridiculous that sounded.
The decision to go back to school afforded me time with her that I would not have been able to enjoy otherwise. I spent way too much time focusing on a struggling new office and the focus change to get out of the office and get into a new program gave us time together that was much needed. There is Heavenly Father’s hand in all things. To those that don’t recognize that, I am sorry. There are two ways to view the world; that everything is merely a coincidence, or that nothing is. Wendy knew nothing was.
Me finding out that I got into med school was no coincidence on the timing, she pushed me to call them, getting the news by phone, it gave her the reason to call every one of her brothers and sisters and some friends and have a last conversation with them. Still haven’t checked for the letter.
I feel like the luckiest bandit that convinced an angel to spend her precious time with me. I amazed at how fortunate I am at being the man in her life and feel like I won the lottery. How I got to be the one she confided in most, I will never know, but I am grateful and so look forward to holding her in my arms again. I love you Wendy, I will do my best. I miss you so much already. Who do I talk to about the cute thing Evan just did, or the new song Kenna made up and was singing to her princesses or the thing Dallin just said that confirmed once again that he understands way more than we give a 6 year old credit for. I cannot even think about all the little things that I wish you were here with me, but I know that is selfish of me too. I love you , I love you. I love you. See you soon.
There has been a tremendous outpouring of love and willingness to help of which I am very grateful for. I wish I knew what to say for all those that wish to help but I just don’t even know what that is yet. I know I am still processing life right now and taking a little at a time. The sweet tender mercies like coming home and seeing new clothes picked out for my kids to wear to their mommy’s funeral and my garden planted with flowers and new sheets on the bed among so many other things is more than I can express. Thank you.
I can’t even begin to say how incredible the women and their families that Wendy and I chose to live by are and I think we got so much more than we ever imagined as we pulled up one day to look at a house. The house was in bad shape and it wasn’t really all that appealing compared to others we had seen. We did not pick the house, we met some of the neighbors at that time and we chose them to live by, it just happened to be in this house. We loved that it reminded us of our home in Iowa and how much we loved living by those incredible people there. Wendy always said how much she loved the people here and how at peace she was here with the kids after moving in. I realize that more and more as I do the things that need to be done and come home to a spotless house and food in the fridge from the women in our neighborhood. Thank you. From the most precious parts of my heart, thank you.
Sometimes I forget that in addition to me losing my wife and little girl and my kids their mommy, others have lost a daughter and granddaughter, niece, cousin, sister, and friend. My heart goes out to everyone that had the incredible blessing of an association with such a wonderful person and is now feeling that enormous void. We are in this together.
There have been so many wonderful thoughts and comments. As strange as this may sound, facebook has been a great blessing. I know that when someone passes that people only speak of the good, but I can say as someone who knows her best, that that is all there was about her. I cannot think of anything about her that I did not think was wonderful and beautiful, even down to her short finger nails that she would bite off regularly which she thought bothered me. It didn’t. I am happy however that I am not the only one that recognized how great she is, thank you for your comments.
One of her friends that Wendy worked with in the primary and who Wendy adored, wrote some things about the testimony meeting on Sunday, she said that testimony was given of how Wendy emailed her on Saturday about the sacrament meeting program music. Two of the hymns Wendy chose were "Because I have been given Much," and "My Redeemer Lives." If there was a thought to bare a last testimony to the ward, she did, and those are the words she would have said. There is so much of her and who she was and what she knew in those special songs.
The best healing for me has come with getting together with her siblings and parents and laughing and reminiscing. That was one of her favorite things to do and it helps to be with them all. The kids are doing well and I am grateful for their innocence. I know we have a long road ahead of us, but I know that our Heavenly Father has a plan and this is not the end with her and Maylee. I have been blessed with knowing that families are eternal and that I have been sealed to them for time and all eternity. I will see her again. The rest will be figured out as we move along.
One last note here. The cause of her death has been found to be due to the weakening of the aortic repair she had when she was a little girl. While it is what bought us such valuable time with her that we would not have otherwise had, we are grateful. It was not due to complications of her pregnancy as was thought, she was born with a narrowed part of her aorta and she had it repaired when she was 4 years old. It was that that made her want to be a nurse. While it doesn't make it easier, it is good to know. She had regular check ups with a cardiologist, but this was something that was not made known to us. We will miss her.
