Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The different turns....






June 15th. Today is Maylee's original due date. I think about the completely different day I had today than what I had planned and talked about with my wife. It was a good day as far as days go lately, the kids played outside with friends and even stayed a little later because I just couldn't end their fun early. As I think back to the conversations we had about today though, it looks and feels nothing like those plans. There are moments when I just ache that Kenna didn't get that little baby sister or am missing being able to see Evan and his tenderness with a little baby living with us. I was watching some home videos today and I forget how fun those little tiny things can be and how much I enjoy the cuddly times with them and when they aren't saying "no, daddy, I do it" all the time. Don't mistake me, I am absolutely loving each stage my little ones are in, but I do love those new baby stages too. I am sad that I am not able to share those with Maylee and Wendy right now. There are high moments and low moments and there really is no rhyme or reason to when one will start and the other will end, but I feel that each day brings a little more peace with it and a little less intense pain. I miss Wendy, that is something that will never change. It is becoming more real and less debilitating with every new turn, but missing her doesn't change. I like to think about what today might have been like, but I don't dwell on it. I do know there is a plan in here somewhere and I am keeping my eyes, ears, and heart open to what there is to continually learn from this and what Wendy would like me to be doing right now instead of spending too much mental real estate on what could have been today. I love you little Maylee, I so look forward to spending more time with you some day and being your Daddy.
Such a sweet and tender little girl, I love this picture of my two baby girls

Monday, June 13, 2011


Some people have asked why the orange for Wendy, was it her favorite color or something. I often joke that Wendy never picked a favorite color because she didn’t want the other colors to feel bad, even our wedding was made up of all the spring colors and not just one or two. The orange actually comes from her incredible co-workers at Riverton Hospital. She absolutely loved working with them and being able to help bring babies into the world as a labor and delivery nurse. Wendy had found a pair of Crocs online that were bright orange that she would wear to work every time. The contrast of those with the royal blue scrubs that the IHC nurses would wear made her shoes stand out and became part of her personality at work. And, no, she was not a Boise State fan. After she died her co-workers got orange wristbands as a tribute to Wendy. I really think she would get a kick out of that and is smiling. After that, orange just became a natural thing for us as family and friends to feel connected to Wendy. I love seeing the bright orange on my friends and neighbors and family and knowing why they are running in it or wearing it. It makes me smile to think of the people that she has touched.

As I was looking through her work bag I came across a stack of thank you notes from women and families that had sent her a note thanking her for her extra tender care while they were there at the hospital. I loved reading them, and I couldn’t help be a little sad that I never really got the chance to be a fly on the wall and see her at work. I am sure HIPPA has issued regulation fly swatters for such an occasion. I would have loved to see it though. I was very proud of the work she did, who knows, maybe she gets to send them off now rather than receive them here, it’s a good thought.

I write in my journal a lot lately and some of the things I write get put onto the blog and some things get written just for the blog, that said, I don’t go back and make sure I am not repeating myself, so I am sorry if things get said twice, maybe they needed to be.

The week before may 21st Julie was called by someone involved with the race called “running with angels” at thanksgiving point. They invited us to run or just come out and be at the event. I felt like it was a good idea and when we got there they had me and the kids release some of the white doves before the race. It was a good experience and I know as my kids get older and begin to look back on the things we did around this time, it will be with fond memories and gratitude for those that were around us at this time. Most of Wendy’s and my family was there wearing orange shirts in memory of Wendy and Maylee. It was a great morning and it was a beautiful run through the gardens there at thanksgiving point, Spring has always been one of Wendy's favorite times. It was good to be there in such a large group of people most of who were there to remember someone special in their lives that they are waiting to see again. I am grateful to those that invited us, and I think we will make it a yearly tradition.

My incredible neighbors and close friends have been busy working on a gathering for Wendy and Maylee and us and I didn’t know until just recently just how much they have been doing. They have been busy on our behalf and again I cannot express enough how much love I have for them. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and I will never forget the bond I have formed with these incredible people through these trials. I told them I would post the link of the website they have put together, they have done a great job and I think it will be a really fun day.

www.mackfamilyfund.com

I was looking through the blog again and I have not been able to catch up on all the loving comments left, but last night I sat and looked at a picture of a beautiful sunset in Australia with Maylee’s name written in the sand. How beautiful and thoughtful. Thank you. I came home the other day to find a bag with a book that the women from church had put together of their thoughts and memories of Wendy. That has been great for me to read through. There have been many tender mercies like this and I wish I could tell you about every one of them, I only hope that everyone feels my appreciation for all the love and support that has been given to me and my little ones. With love, I thank you.

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