Happy Birthday

A friend lined the driveway with balloons this morning. It was a welcome surprise.

Dear Wendy,

     Happy birthday. Today you would be 34, I think about all that has happened in the last 18 months since you left and its hard to think about all we have had to do without you. The kids look so tiny in the pictures at your funeral. They are still small, but they have grown a lot in the year and half. Its hard for me to decipher what memories you were here for and what I have done alone. The schedule with school and the kids is harder to balance than I could have imagined. I knew it would be hard when I decided to move ahead with it, so I can’t complain now that I am in it. I have help with the kids during the day and that makes it possible. I also couldn’t have asked for a better nanny in the afternoons, that has been a great blessing too. There are so many things that I wish you didn’t have to miss out on and that I wish we could have you here for. It is especially difficult to see what the kids don’t have with you. It has been affecting them more and more lately. Kenna started kindergarten this year and it is hard for her to see all the other moms picking them up at the end of the day. She has had her struggles with that. Dallin is always so strong I sometimes worry that he is keeping things in too much, but he broke down the other day. Kenna, Evan and I were dancing to music and having fun one night when Dallin walked in the room and quickly left.  I followed to ask him what he was thinking about, he said “nothing” as he usually does and then curled up to me and started sobbing. He said he was thinking about how much more fun it would be if you were still here. He remembers those little dance parties well and it made him sad that he was missing his partner.

      I am learning that there are reasons in the way we are designed. I see that more and more as I heal and get used to the idea of not having you here. Our process is on different schedules. Early on when it was hard to imagine why they weren’t handling it like I felt they should or just didn’t understand, I see that I didn’t really have anything left in the tank to give them what they would need. I feel more prepared now and it seems the harder part of the process is just starting for them. I don’t have all the answers, but I feel like they are doing well. There are just some things that are going to hurt and as much as I wish I could, I can’t change that for them. Dallin’s school had a “mommy son date night” the other day. When he brought me the flyer he asked if he should just throw it away. I could tell it really bothered him. I had a lot of “Fathers and son’s” camping trips over the years with some great home teachers and other men from my church, so I knew a little of how he might be feeling.  He went with his aunt Brooke and had a lot of fun. Nothing will ever be exactly the same, but I am grateful for the women in their life that have been there for them at times like that.

     There are many things of being a parent that are hard. Dallin used to ask me all the time what super power I would want if I could. I used to think I wanted to fly. But now I tell him I wish I could pause time. There are just not enough hours in the day and I always feel like everything I do is less than it could or even should be.  Between being a father, a student, a domestic manager (sounds more manly than "homemaker to me), a church member… and everything else, I never feel that one thing is as good as it should be and they all suffer a little. You had always loved getting their clothes for them and hunting for deals and storing the old and getting out the new clothes. You would always buy all the next years clothes for them on some “really good deal” day at old navy or some place with Molly and Mare. The boys were still wearing those for the most part. Poor Evan’s PJ’s were probably cutting off the circulation to his lower half. While cooking and cleaning and things like that are hard to keep up with, at least I get how to do that. I don’t get clothes shopping… don’t think I ever will. Fortunately for me my mom and Alesha enjoy that sort of thing. I watch Kenna and how she always wants to play dress up, or wear a few outfits a day…especially when she gets clothes from her cousins and I must admit, I don’t get that, but I can see how that can turn into a good thing for her husband when it comes to kids clothes later. With boys, they are always excited about the new toys that do cool stuff. That I get. That never changes, why do you think the toy aisle is in between the hunting and electronics aisle in Wal-mart? … its because guys still think they are in the toy aisle. Clothes I just don’t understand though. They seem to grow out of it so quickly. More reminders of how long you have been gone. They don’t fit in the clothes you bought for the next year anymore.

Kenna lost her first tooth. The other followed close behind. She asked me if the tooth fairy was real the other night after losing the first one. I just asked her what she thought about it and she said she didn’t think so. I told her that the kids that didn’t believe didn’t get a visit from the tooth fairy. She just smiled and said “oh, right, I will put the tooth out just in case”… I don’t think she felt doubts in the morning, not sure how many years she will feel that way, but I will never rush her there. Next month Dallin will be baptized. He talks about it all the time. After the first year I was naïve in thinking we were done with the “firsts” but I know there are many more to come.

     It was a very different kind of experience moving into a new area and new ward without you and under these circumstances. The people are great, but in a church where family is so sacred, I can’t help but feel broken in that regard. My perspective is different now. I never had to be all that outgoing with inviting people over or going to friend’s homes for dinner because you were so quick to make new friends wherever we went. Ha, sometimes I wonder if people just tolerated me so they could hang out with you. I certainly wouldn’t blame them for that. It is something that has made the transition even more different, but I understand the uniqueness here. I have to remind myself that I am not married anymore and that I am not just a family in the church, but to others I am a single guy with kids. There are differences.

      I miss you so much… that will never change. I have been more ok with the idea of being with someone new lately, and that’s a good thing. I haven’t really felt ok with it before. I know this might be a strange topic to talk about on your birthday, but I think it is often the unasked question by others, but on their mind none the less. It took me a while to figure out that enjoying someone else’s company doesn’t mean I had to stop missing and grieving losing you. The idea of that is simple, the application is where it always got difficult. There are so many times I wish I could talk with you about that process… and maybe laugh about it with you in some of it, but then if I could I wouldn’t be dealing with it now would I? I lost my best friend, I learned how marriage should be with you. I realize more and more that our relationship was uniquely great. We were truly happy together. Even among successful marriages that is a unique thing. I don’t say that to boast, but I won’t down play it or pretend otherwise.  If something new doesn’t promise a similar experience and a new and different happiness, then I won’t do it. To some that might seem selfish, but I know what the kids lost too and I won’t short change them either. Getting into something simply out of need is not the right reason. I think there is so much that our daughter and our sons can learn from having that kind of relationship. I can only partly be the kind of father the way I would hope to without being married here. I am not suggesting that I am perfect in that regard, you know better than anyone that is far from the case, but I don’t think it is arrogant to say that I was pretty good at that and it was because of the feelings we had for each other. I am very aware how that might be for someone coming into our family, and if I get married again it is because I am excited about her and in love with her too and not because I am trying to get back to what I had before or replace you in any way. You are irreplaceable. It will be different, if I tried to make it the same, nothing would ever be enough. It needs to be different. I know it will come with many new and unique experiences and challenges, but I feel it will be worth the effort when it feels right again. All I can do is follow what I feel is right. I realize I have probably said similar things before, but now I understand it a little more.

     I wonder all the time what your perspective on this is. What you are allowed to see and experience and be a part of. Maybe some days… like when the kids are detoxing from Halloween candy and I need a break, I am sure it is your influence that keeps me from going insane! I still see baby girls that would be Maylee’s age and think about how much I miss what could have been. I am glad that whatever you can be a part of with us or even whatever you can’t, that you have her with you. I do wish I could feel you more and I hope that the kids can develop a sensitivity to those kinds of things better than me. There is still so much that I wish I had answers on, so much that has changed the way I look at life, so much that I have learned from this and from you and from others. There have been days that I would never care to relive, but I see them as necessary to learn a little now that they are done. I am sure there will be many more moments that I would never want to endure, but with every new one it makes the next one a little more manageable. I hope you can celebrate today. We love you. We miss you… I miss you.

Love, Denny

Just my good looking boys.

Kenna got some play make up for her birthday

clearly she has some practicing to do... unless she was going for "circus raccoon", if so, she nailed it

Obviously we weren't near the "red" part of redrock

We went out to Redrock for a little hike after conference.

Getting ready for church...naturally

We had an intense hail storm one night, Evan was pretty nervous about the thunder, so Dallin told him he would sleep with him to comfort him. What a good kid.

Dallin doing some major pumpkin carving...couldn't find my picture of the end product... he carved a Yoda on the front and did great.

Kenna and her first two lost teeth. She looks a little more like her mom every day... especially in her eyes.

My little Halloweeners... hhmmhhmm, that's funny I don't care how old you are. Kenna was a princess of course, Dallin was a special agent, and Evan is a scary werewolf. Dallin's favorite part of this picture is the thing on his chest reflecting back with a glow.

Part of being a princess is having wardrobe options right? Silly girl.

The trick or treating after party... counting the loot!

Moving Day

I woke up early this morning unable to sleep anymore. The kids are at my brother’s house for one last night with cousins before we move while I get the rest of the house ready to load onto the truck. I am finding that sometimes noise is easier to sleep through than silence. I am glad my mom was here the last few days to help me pack up, I think I underestimated what I needed to do… either that or overestimated my ability to do it!

The house is almost empty. I am writing this on paper for now because the computer is all packed up. I will go get the truck in a few hours, but for now all is quiet in the house. I didn’t realize how this would affect me. I find, however, that I will miss being where I can picture her in familiar spots and specific events. Not even important events at the time, little ones have come to mean a lot to me. The home is soaked with her and us. I can picture her getting ready in our bathroom, the two of us in the kitchen where we would spend time talking over ice cream after the kids were in bed. I can hear her laughing on our street where the kids would be playing with their friends and us talking with ours. The same street that Wendy recorded Dallin riding his two wheeler for the first time. The little loft where we would have family prayer. Our bedroom where we lived together… and where she died. The memory of the room doesn’t haunt me in the way some may assume, rather my mind turns to our last moments together and every one of them before. I know these are just walls, but moving represents a new chapter for us, one that will be started without her here and it is hard to imagine that. I have been able to live in my little bubble for the past year. I have been blessed to stay home and be together with my kids, to figure out how to be their one source they go to, and to grieve and to grow. Now I go back to the real world where I go out and work on our goals again, where I don’t have my bountiful way friends to listen to my long windedness at times, my mom is six hours away instead of 5 minutes, where Wendy’s family isn’t so close (well, some of them I get to keep in Henderson) Where I can’t detour past the cemetery where her body lies with our daughter on my way to her parent’s house. There are so many things I will miss that I have grown accustomed to this past year and before that will be difficult to be without. I am excited for this new start, but nervous about the unknowns. I will miss being reminded in every room of this house. I am happy that the three friends I take with me will always have her in their voices and faces and mannerisms. There is so much of her in them.

I finally cleaned out her bathroom drawer… nothing is how she left it anymore.

Epiphanies of the Day

On my desktop I have a saved document that I try to add to when I hear a little gem that I want to remember. Unfortunately I have forgotten more than I have written down at the time of hearing, but this is a small sampling of the great insights I hear regularly. This is one of the things I will miss most when I start school, I know I won't hear near as many of the out loud thoughts of these littles explaining in their way or contemplating the universe around them. I also put a few pics to update, I need to take more of them, Wendy was much better at that then I am.

Dallin: “Why do they only collect money for the poor kids in December… what about January?”

Kenna “ are those girls speaking spanish?”

 me:”yes”

Kenna”can I go talk to them?”

me : “sure, go ahead”  (this should be entertaining actually)

Kenna: “ Hola! Faleese mommydod!” girls just smile and laugh friendly like.

Kenna and Evan in their hats their mom made and practicing their synchronized sleeping routine... they have a real shot this year!

Dallin and Kenna the morning after Christmas:

Dallin: holding a new Christmas toy “Kenna, why do you never play with this, I never see you play with it?”

Kenna: “ that’s because I like this one better”

Dallin: “Well that’s just being rude to Santa”

·         Kenna(5): “but your getting dirty…you know… with dirt”

Evan(3) randomly approached: “Daddy, do you like my skin?”

Evan: “Daddy, Dallin won’t let me in the room”

Me: “well, I am sorry, why won’t he let you in?”

Evan “ but daddy, I am not the messiest kid anymore”

Ah, funny how you can get all the information you need from those cryptic comments.

Evan(3): While lying in bed in the morning out of the blue “Daddy, if we don’t share our grapes, we will go to jail, huh.”

Kenna (5): while lying in bed in the morning as well. “I miss mommy and Maylee, I wish I could just have them for a hundred days, and then I could see Maylee’s eyes when she gets here, because that would be so fun and I didn’t even get to see her eyes.”

It’s strange that that’s the first time I thought about that.

This picture above is Kenna on our date night, we call it "Princess night" (boys get "buddy" night) and she was telling everyone at the restaurant that she was out for princess night as if everyone knew what that is. We went to Hale center theater after dinner. When we sat down at the theater she said... "we are just going to watch a movie?" I told her it was a play which was different and I thought she would like it. She paused for a minute, I could tell she was not impressed and said very politely "uhm, next time we have princess night, can I choose what we do?" Ha, very diplomatic girl. She actually really loved it, every time the lights dimmed she would lean over and say: "there's still more right, Daddy?" gotta love her!

Winter: Dallin (7) wanted to go shovel our walks after it snowed, I kept thinking to myself that I should go out and ask him to shovel the neighbor’s who had sick kids and talk about service and Christ like attributes a little with him. When I went out to talk to him I noticed their walk was already done so I asked him about it and he told me he did it because he was thinking about Jesus. I think I learned more from him that morning than I could have taught him. He is always a very thoughtful boy.

Dylan and Kenna

Dallin: “Dylan (Kenna’s little friend) what was your favorite part about today?”

Dylan” I don’t know”

Dallin: “ was it when you saw me at school?”

Dylan: “I don’t remember that”

Dallin: “Yeah, I bet that was your favorite part of today”

Well, at least he has a healthy self image!

  This picture above was Evan's birthday cake in Feb. Poor little boy was so sick that day, but he just wanted to celebrate, this is all the energy he could muster for a good birthday cake picture on his 3rd birthday. Now every time I mark their cups for the day, he gets an "E-3" ...cause he is 3 of course.

2/28/2012

Evan and Kenna were talking about a cartoon that had a “Juke box” on it

Evan: “I wish I had a giant Juice box for music”

Kenna: “no, Evan, your saying it wrong”

Evan: “no, I am not, I want a giant juice box like Ferb”

Kenna: “ its not a juice box, it’s a JEW box”

Evan: “yeah, that’s what I said”

Kenna: “ no, you said Juice box…. Dad, what is it called again?”

Dad: “ its actually a JUKE box”

Kenna: “ well, that doesn’t even make sense, daddy, I think you are wrong”

… yeah, cause Jew box makes more sense, silly girl.

Kenna and Jocy practicing to join the Cirque de Sole as far as I can tell

Dallin (7): “well that’s not fair that Lexie gets to do two fun things and I only get to do one”

Dad: “Dallin, a good friend doesn’t think like that, a good friend hopes for your friend to be happy”

Kenna: “yeah, like I like princesses… kind of like that huh dad?”

Dallin: “ uh, its not like that at all, Kenna”

...bless her heart.

Dallin dressed as thing one and thing two for Dr. Seuss day

Dallin after  Easter 2012:

While wearing a pedometer and hopping around… “oh, this is an Easter one… it records how many bunny hops you do!”

Evan (age 3): “ Daddy, are we bringing snacks to church today?”

Dad: “ Maybe, we’ll see”

Evan: “ well Jesus likes snacks… Jesus likes cheerios, he eats them all the time”

…well played General Mills, well played.  I will have to check the doctrine on that one, though.

Evan (3): “Daddy, this orange is juicy…. Does this orange have orange juice in it?”

Dad: “yes, that’s where we get orange juice from… oranges”

Evan: “oh… well and we get apple juice from… from…”

Dad “yeah, we get apple juice from what?”

Evan: “from… pears?”

Dad: “ so close…”

He did get the grape juice one right though!

One sunday morning
Kenna: "Daddy, I wish Mommy was still here so you could sleep in"
me: ha, uh... this feels a little like a trap. "did I sleep in when mommy was here?"
Kenna: "well, maybe a little" so diplomatic!
me: "yeah, I wish mommy was here too, but not so I could sleep in"
Dallin : " I wish Mommy was still here for no reason at all!"
    ...yeah, me too.

Last night the kids got some gold fish from a church activity they went to and Evan’s didn’t last the night. One of the first things I heard this morning was Kenna (5) telling me that Evan’s fish died, but I didn’t really have time to address the issue yet. After bath time we were ready to go down and investigate, but the fish was not there. After confirming it was gone, I asked Kenna where his fish was, she looked at me with caring in her voice, “daddy, I put it on Evan’s pillow so he could see it” …cute girl

Me: “oh, well, ok” as Dallin gives me a knowing side look with a smirk clearly seeing the humor in her actions. Its nice to have someone else here get the humor sometimes. We had to search a little because Evan had climbed on his bed a few times since the pillow placement. Fortunately it had not gone far. We gave it to Evan and I told him he could flush it, we stood over the toilet for a minute as he held it in his hands with interest and such tender little movements. We had flushed a fish before, so I wasn’t really thinking it needed much attention and discussion again. I told him to just put it in and when he delayed I said it again, “Evan, hurry and put it in, it’s just a fish”

He looked at me with a concerned face and sadness in his eyes and said “ but, daddy... its MY fish”

Its silly, but I couldn’t stop the tears from that.

“I am sorry, buddy” I can certainly understand his feelings. We stood there for a little longer, and I didn’t rush him again. I often forget to see it from their little eyes.

One Year

With time comes increased ability to do, even though the nature of the task has not changed. My grandpa Mack would always repeat that Emerson quote I am referring to and it rings true for this point in my life.

I still feel her void and miss everything about having her here with me. If there was one thing above any other that I would have the hardest time living without in this life, it is Wendy. Our life together was everything I wanted and hoped for in marriage. The best way I can describe life now is that I feel like my right arm was cut off; eventually you figure out how to function without it, but you will never be as good as you once were with it and everything you do throughout the day is an obvious reminder of what is missing.

It has been one year. Many of the "firsts" are behind us. I sat in church the other day looking at the sign up for the same fund raiser party we attended the day she died. Time is a strange thing. I still see her in the corner of my eye everywhere I go and my heart skips a little before my brain catches up. I watch videos of her and everything she says and does is still second nature and part of me. In many ways no time has passed and in others our life together appears forever ago. I go through the day a little more efficiently than before, but I still have my collection of music that I sit in the dark and listen to when I want to look at her pictures and video and just feel her and miss her.

This last year has taught me many things, among them I have ironically learned how to be a better husband to Wendy and not take her and love for granted. What we have is a very unique thing to come by. I always knew that, but have come to understand that even more. If there is anything that someone can take from this it is that you shouldn’t wait until the lesson is learned fully, do right now what tomorrow might make impossible.

I often see the baby girls that were born around the time that Maylee was and can’t help but wonder about who she would have been here. There is a little girl at our church that I believe was born that day. I watch her sometimes and think about Maylee and what stage she would be on. Kenna’s baby videos have become even more special to me because they are as close as I can come to picturing what Maylee might have looked like as well. But who knows, maybe Maylee would have been our first baby to hang on to her mother’s auburn hair that they were all born with but quickly turned to blonde. Happy Birthday, Maylee.

My cousin, Jared, who lost his little boy shared this quote with me, and I liked how it was said and the truth in it.

“If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift.” –Elizabeth Edwards

Yes, these landmarks like 1 year are hard to think about, my hope is to be able to celebrate Wendy and her life and to learn and grow from what I have learned from her and this life test that has come. I am far from knowing what I need to know in my time here on earth and my hope is to pass on some good to mine and Wendy’s kids and hope not to screw up on this great start that they have. Saying that I fall short many days on that would be a drastic understatement, but hopefully they don’t notice too much that I really have no clue what I am doing. I keep my fingers crossed that by the time they figure that out they will have kids of their own and maybe… just maybe they won’t be too damaged by the revelation. And someday, when I get to hold my Wendy again, I can tell her with every bit of truth that I worked at it every day and always tried to do the best I could.