With time comes increased ability to do, even though the nature of the task has not changed. My grandpa Mack would always repeat that Emerson quote I am referring to and it rings true for this point in my life.
I still feel her void and miss everything about having her here with me. If there was one thing above any other that I would have the hardest time living without in this life, it is Wendy. Our life together was everything I wanted and hoped for in marriage. The best way I can describe life now is that I feel like my right arm was cut off; eventually you figure out how to function without it, but you will never be as good as you once were with it and everything you do throughout the day is an obvious reminder of what is missing.
It has been one year. Many of the "firsts" are behind us. I sat in church the other day looking at the sign up for the same fund raiser party we attended the day she died. Time is a strange thing. I still see her in the corner of my eye everywhere I go and my heart skips a little before my brain catches up. I watch videos of her and everything she says and does is still second nature and part of me. In many ways no time has passed and in others our life together appears forever ago. I go through the day a little more efficiently than before, but I still have my collection of music that I sit in the dark and listen to when I want to look at her pictures and video and just feel her and miss her.
This last year has taught me many things, among them I have ironically learned how to be a better husband to Wendy and not take her and love for granted. What we have is a very unique thing to come by. I always knew that, but have come to understand that even more. If there is anything that someone can take from this it is that you shouldn’t wait until the lesson is learned fully, do right now what tomorrow might make impossible.
I often see the baby girls that were born around the time that Maylee was and can’t help but wonder about who she would have been here. There is a little girl at our church that I believe was born that day. I watch her sometimes and think about Maylee and what stage she would be on. Kenna’s baby videos have become even more special to me because they are as close as I can come to picturing what Maylee might have looked like as well. But who knows, maybe Maylee would have been our first baby to hang on to her mother’s auburn hair that they were all born with but quickly turned to blonde. Happy Birthday, Maylee.
My cousin, Jared, who lost his little boy shared this quote with me, and I liked how it was said and the truth in it.
“If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift.” –Elizabeth Edwards
Yes, these landmarks like 1 year are hard to think about, my hope is to be able to celebrate Wendy and her life and to learn and grow from what I have learned from her and this life test that has come. I am far from knowing what I need to know in my time here on earth and my hope is to pass on some good to mine and Wendy’s kids and hope not to screw up on this great start that they have. Saying that I fall short many days on that would be a drastic understatement, but hopefully they don’t notice too much that I really have no clue what I am doing. I keep my fingers crossed that by the time they figure that out they will have kids of their own and maybe… just maybe they won’t be too damaged by the revelation. And someday, when I get to hold my Wendy again, I can tell her with every bit of truth that I worked at it every day and always tried to do the best I could.
