Road Trip

I remember going to a funeral a little while back and feeling shocked to see the people closest to the loss because they were smiling. I don't really know what I expected, but to see them acting normal was not it. My perspective has changed a little. Life still goes on. There is not a moment of the day that I do not think of Wendy, and while I sometimes have those moments of questioning whether or not I am dealing with this the way I should, I feel good about the way life is going under the circumstances. We are still able to be happy. There are times when something will hit me and take the wind right out of me and it is strange because those times feel good. What I mean is that those moments remind me of my loss, there are times when I am laughing with my kids or enjoying the company of friends when the question of; should I be acting "normal" right now enter my mind and so when those moments that take me to my knees come, they put me a little at ease that I am still feeling the pain and not just acting as if life has just kept going without her. I loved our life together, and hanging out with friends and family often reminds me of how much I miss her being by my side in that, but I am still able to enjoy those times too. I don't really know if two people ever fit together so well... I hope so. I hope that I can feel that way again too. For now, I still put one foot in front of the other and do it mostly smiling and see what new adventures He has in store for me and these little ones I get to hang out with. I feel there are good things planned for us... not that I feel entitled, but I do feel there has always been an element of planning. I think I just need to stay as close to where I feel the best answers come and take another step forward. I know life will never be the same, nor do I expect things to be.

This past week we took a road trip with Wendy's brother Dave and his family to Montana to visit Wendy's other brother Brian and his family. It was a good trip, a lot of the physical elements of being on the road with three little ones dawned on me. I missed having my navigator there to pack and plan with me and calm the kids when needed. They did great though, thanks to modern technology and plenty of DVD's on hand. Every now and then I would have to juggle a little with throwing fruit snacks back to Evan, but for the most part I think we did well. There is one thing that is evident though, there will be a learning curve on packing for these kind of things... I will never question a woman's packing job again... yes, it may take an entire van load of stuff for a few days away, but it sure beats the alternative of forgetting certain things. Thank goodness we were visiting family that had amenities to fill in my gaps in packing! I packed like a guy, and I was pretty proud that I fit everything in one cooler and one bag... next time there will be more bags and less forgotten things.

Wendy's 5K and Croc Walk

The day of the 5k run and croc walk for Wendy was amazing. I really can't believe what our friends were able to pull together in such a short time. I couldn't have asked for a more special day to meet with friends and remember Wendy, and if that was all that happened it would have been worth it, but then to add everyone's generous offerings on our family's behalf was a continuing reminder of how incredible people can be. Thank you everyone that made this day possible, I really don't know what to say and how to convey my gratitude for everything.

I had heard some of the plans here and there, but I hadn't imagined just how much they had planned out and made happen. I showed up at the park to run and be with family and friends. It was difficult to keep my control as I lined up to start and looked out at over 600 runners that came out to show support of who Wendy is. The first mile was difficult.

After the run the ladies had planned a "croc walk" where Croc's had kindly donated orange crocs for all who signed up (I think they even ran out of them). It was a sight to see as a long line of orange feet and balloons and shirts snaked around the park as we walked and then gathered to release our balloons. Before we released them, Julie, Melissa, and Natalie shared a few words about Wendy, I will never forget these moments. Wendy's parents had returned from their mission just days before and were able to be there for all of this and I couldn't help being very grateful that they could experience that too. What an incredible day, what an amazing group of friends. That last balloon is Evan's, he didn't want to let go of it.

It helped me to think as these girls put their babies to bed and met up to plan until early hours of the morning that Wendy would have loved being there in the planning. She really loved the "girls nights" they would have and it makes me smile thinking of them thinking of her during those times and I can only hope she was permitted to sit in on some of them in whatever capacity spirits can do that sort of thing.
After the croc walk and balloon release, the carnival started. There was cotton candy, popcorn, live bands, a silent auction, bounce houses, pony rides, catered lunch, snow cones, train rides, fire trucks and police dept, and probably many things I am forgetting. I watched the ponies for a bit and liked remembering the last night I had with her and our family, they were the same ponies.
There are many things that went on behind the scenes that I am sure I have no idea, and many companies and people that gave so much of their time and help and support that I will never be able to adequately thank them. I will try. It is tough to not want to live every day better because I have seen so much good from others. Thank you. I know it isn't enough, but thank you.