I remember going to a funeral a little while back and feeling shocked to see the people closest to the loss because they were smiling. I don't really know what I expected, but to see them acting normal was not it. My perspective has changed a little. Life still goes on. There is not a moment of the day that I do not think of Wendy, and while I sometimes have those moments of questioning whether or not I am dealing with this the way I should, I feel good about the way life is going under the circumstances. We are still able to be happy. There are times when something will hit me and take the wind right out of me and it is strange because those times feel good. What I mean is that those moments remind me of my loss, there are times when I am laughing with my kids or enjoying the company of friends when the question of; should I be acting "normal" right now enter my mind and so when those moments that take me to my knees come, they put me a little at ease that I am still feeling the pain and not just acting as if life has just kept going without her. I loved our life together, and hanging out with friends and family often reminds me of how much I miss her being by my side in that, but I am still able to enjoy those times too. I don't really know if two people ever fit together so well... I hope so. I hope that I can feel that way again too. For now, I still put one foot in front of the other and do it mostly smiling and see what new adventures He has in store for me and these little ones I get to hang out with. I feel there are good things planned for us... not that I feel entitled, but I do feel there has always been an element of planning. I think I just need to stay as close to where I feel the best answers come and take another step forward. I know life will never be the same, nor do I expect things to be.
This past week we took a road trip with Wendy's brother Dave and his family to Montana to visit Wendy's other brother Brian and his family. It was a good trip, a lot of the physical elements of being on the road with three little ones dawned on me. I missed having my navigator there to pack and plan with me and calm the kids when needed. They did great though, thanks to modern technology and plenty of DVD's on hand. Every now and then I would have to juggle a little with throwing fruit snacks back to Evan, but for the most part I think we did well. There is one thing that is evident though, there will be a learning curve on packing for these kind of things... I will never question a woman's packing job again... yes, it may take an entire van load of stuff for a few days away, but it sure beats the alternative of forgetting certain things. Thank goodness we were visiting family that had amenities to fill in my gaps in packing! I packed like a guy, and I was pretty proud that I fit everything in one cooler and one bag... next time there will be more bags and less forgotten things.
10 comments:
This post about the road trip was funny because my husband always accuses me of taking too much stuff but we always seem to have everything we need. :) Of course I could never be as good as he is at getting everything I've packed to actually fit in the car. :)
On a more serious note, thank you so much for sharing your insights these last couple of months. Your posts are always so inspiring and they have truly helped me to remember how precious our time on earth is. Most of your posts bring me to tears and I ache for you and your children. But I am always amazed at the faith you have in our Savior and His plan. Your children are so fortunate to have such a strong, positive dad. I agree that there are great things in store for you and your beautiful children. I know Heavenly Father is very interested in our lives and He will bless us with the things we need.
You made me laugh out loud with this post, talking about packing lol... Thanks for the updates on your family! You guys are still in our prayers often.
I check your blog often & absolutely love your posts! Thank you for sharing some of your deepest emotions & even your day to days! I am commenting on this particular post because I am most definitely going to MAKE my husband read it! We went to Island Park last week to my parents cabin for a couple of nights & I got teased because of everything I packed... That said, we had EVERYTHING we needed (Except my blow dryer, dang it!! I did forget that!) & extra to fill in the gaps for my 2 nephews that didn't listen to their mom when packing! Teenage boys know everything!! Anyway, thank you again for sharing! Your family is often in my thoughts & always in my prayers! Berry, from Idaho Falls
It is so good to see that you are still posting from time to time. I think of you and your littles often. Your posts are inspiring cuz you GET that in spite of this path that you walk right now, God still has a plan and is holding you all.
Hi, My name is Audrey Strickland. My husband Jonathon and our daughters Alexis and Kinleigh moved into the ward at the end of April. We live on Goldenrod Way. Our first Sunday in the Ward was actually the Sunday following Wendy's passing. We were late to Sacrament that day by about 10 minutes. When we did get there I saw that almost everyone in Sacrament was visibly upset. In Relief Society everyone was talking about how wonderful your wife was and that she'd be greatly missed.I don't think there was a dry eye in the entire room. My husband later said that Priesthood meeting was like that as well. We've heard several wonderful things about the Mack Family, but it wasn't until last night that I happened to come across your family blog.
First I just want to tell you that I'm am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through the last few months.
Reading your blog last night brought me to tears and I couldn't stop crying. I wish that I would've been able to meet Wendy. She seems absolutely amazing! I've often thought about Wendy and baby Maylee and your beautiful family. Even though I hadn't seen any of you or met any of you.
I also just want to say that your blog is so inspiring. I am so amazed at the faith you have in our Heavenly Father and in his Eternal plan.
All your children, including sweet Maylee are so precious :) My heart aches for you and your children.
I know that Heavenly Father knows us better than we could ever know ourselves.. and there is a reason for everything. Thank you for sharing your story. You and your family have truly touched my heart. You and your sweet family our in our prayers.
Hey, My name is Alicia Gardner. I Loved Wendy! She was my JC my first year at girls camp. She was So much fun, I was a new beehive and she made me so excited for camp. My second year at camp Wendy had graduated high school but she loved camp so she came anyway with one of her friends in the ward as the camp "happy maker" Her and her friend wore yellow shirts with smiley faces on them and spent the entire time at camp with the intent of making others HAPPY!
I was hesitant to come to her funeral, in fear that it would just be too hard. I am a wife and mother, and I was just nervous it would hit to close to home. I decided to come and was so glad that I did. It was so Good! Everyone was so positive and the spirit was so strong. At the funeral my sister in law told me about your blog and I came home and read it and cried for a long time. I haven't felt up to checking it again until today. And once again I was glad I did. As I sat and read over everything you have written since she passed I felt inspired to be a better wife and a better mother. I still hurt for you and your family, and I'll admit it isn't easy to read. I cry and cry as I think about how hard this is for you and your little ones. But I appreciate you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. They are very inspiring! My prayers will be with you and your family.
Alicia Gardner
I read your blog occasionally and your words are a comfort to me since I'm going through something similar. This post was nice to read since you put some of my feelings into words. I know I'll go for a while doing really pretty good, and wonder if that's normal. Then I'll have a melt down and think..oh, okay, there it is.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Good luck!
Denny, it was great to meet you and see your beautiful children in Conrad. I have been following your blog and have been so impressed with your thoughts, feelings, and raw emotions. You are touching so many lives with your strength and the sharing of your testimony. You are just one more proof to me that our Heavenly Father loves us and knows our grief and pain.
Thank you for sharing our story.
...... and I now will share this post with my husband as he teases me when we pack to go somewhere with our 4 kids.
Random comment. Before you mentioned how worried you were about doing your daughters hair. Here is the best websites that has step by steps and has daddy do's that are easier. www.cutegirlshairstyles.com Hope it helps!
I do not know you Denny and I can not imagine your heat ache and grief. But my prayers are with you.
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