Not enough words to say thank you.

I have a box of cards here and many more names and posts and anonymous friends that have brought so much comfort to me and my family during a very difficult time in our life. I keep thinking that I will get to the stack of these things and be able to thank each of you individually the way I would like to for your thoughtfulness of me and mine. I have found that at the end of the day my time and energy have been spent and I have not found the means in a timely way to say how much I appreciate and love each of you. I have been humbled at the generosity of others. You have truly made me want to be better in all that I do and I wish I could convey this in a more personal way, but time keeps getting greater and I feel I need to express my gratitude to you at least in some small way before more time passes. I have spent the last few days reflecting and rereading through your comments and of Wendy’s journals and the mention of close friends and family bring both a smile to my face and an ache to my heart. It has brought the very real aspect of how limited our time on earth truly is and how much more important it is that we show love to each other. I have never been very good at receiving service and help, especially the financial kind… I still don’t know how to fully show my appreciation. I know I went from a state of not knowing how to pay for her final costs among other things during this transition period in life to a moment in time that those things are taken care of and afford me time with my kids to regroup and grow together. From the gifts on my doorstep to the donations on our behalf, to the comments of comfort and the listening ear by my family and friends, to watching my kids during the times that need that, to the incredible thoughtfulness of new life friends at the Saratoga police department of which I don’t know how to fully show my gratitude for their gift to me and my kids, from the love and support of total strangers to the opportunity to meet incredible people, I am in awe of the outpouring of love and the thoughtfulness of others. I wish I had the capacity to show and tell you all how much your caring has meant to me and I can only hope I am able to pay it forward in my life and teach my children to be the type of people that you have all shown me. Thank you. The words are inadequate, but I cannot think of any other way to say it. Nothing has gone unnoticed and all is appreciated. The hardest time in my life will always be coupled with the greatest showing of love. Thank you.

Christmas time

The holidays were tougher at times than I had anticipated, but they also brought a lot of joy and laughter. My kids are at such a fun age to see Christmas morning and while there was definitely someone being missed and reminders at every turn, we still enjoyed the moments. Evan is easily pleased and opened one present, a little green truck, and was content to just push it back and forth with Grandad. A little coaxing was necessary to get him to open a few more… but then he got it. Dallin and Kenna get just as excited to see others open their present as they do for opening their own, I hope they never grow out of that. She was pretty excited to learn some phrases in Spanish and was happy to wish a “Fleese Mommydod” to anyone who would listen, or who she thought might understand her mad language skills. So proud.

Dallin is at that point where he often stares off into space and you wait expecting a new epiphany which you know is coming and recently is usually a way to explain how Santa does what he does. Love the explanations, I need to be better at writing those ones down. We were driving somewhere the other day when he asked “Dad, why do they only collect money for the poor kids in December? What’s wrong with January?” Good question.

Evan is a wrecking ball most of the time and he is probably 80% of my focus through the day. When all is quiet in the house, it usually means he fell asleep somewhere… or he is into something he shouldn’t be, either way investigating is needed and pictures usually result.

Kenna is quite the mother hen with Evan. They all talk about mommy a lot, but Kenna is still the one that talks about her most. She set up her dolls around a picture of us all together when Kenna was born that is on her dresser. Her reason was that mommy didn’t get anything for Christmas so she thought she would do something nice… I can only guess it was a party. They usually say the same type of things, but there are some that I don’t know how to respond and I have no good answer for, like trying to explain to Kenna that there are some things that even Santa can’t bring her.

Evan Jack in the Box

Pictures of us

Just some picture journal catch up. Pictures say a thousand words, but some of them need more explanation, especially with kids.

So, not really sure how to feel as a Dad here... on one hand he has the football helmet on, on the other he was pushing the doll in the stroller. I guess it is just as it should be, tender and tough! This was our trip to Vegas to visit Uncle David's fam and to assess the housing situation.


This one is in front of the Christmas tree that the Church employment department did in honor of Wendy and Maylee. It was a disney themed tree and the kids loved the full size mickey... not sure why I don't have a better photo of the tree, I will have to look for that one. The hats and scarf are one's their mommy made for them.

Happy 7th Birthday to my boy! This is on Dallin's birthday morning. He was pretty excited to open presents before school, so here we are with him hamming it up as usual. I gave him the choice to open after school so he could play with the toys right after he opened, but I knew when I said it which one a 7 year old would pick, then he was bummed he had to go right to school, ah the hard lessons of life.
We had a few gatherings for his special day, but he really just wanted to go to the pool with a few close friends so that's what we did.

Here is his cake, this year it was Perry the Platypus and if you haven't seen Phineus and Ferb, you may not know who it is, but the show is actually really clever and clean. The eyes are supposed to be crooked!

This is at the neighborhood friends Christmas party at the Frasure's new home. It is a common scene to find all the other kids off and playing and Evan still enjoying his meal... the boy likes his food. He doesn't really it a ton, just takes his time to savor it and sees it through to the end. We were at the Knight's house for FHE around thanksgiving time and the kids were all sharing what they are grateful for... I think all of them said family, but when it got to Evan he just said he was thankful for food. Appropriate.

I am sure there is a perfectly logical reason for why these dolls are posed this way, I just don't know what that is. I thought I would share the strange phenomena I encounter on a regular basis.

Just a cute one of my little girl... probably exhausted after a full day of posing her dolls in weird places.

This one needs a little explaining... he is stuck in the box and was calling for me. He wasn't too happy about the fact I started taking pictures before helping... but what is a parent to do, I was merely following proper procedure for non life threatening events. 1. Laugh 2. take pictures and/or video 3. help them out. 4. optional teasing if the mood calls for it. 5. show your friends and laugh some more.

Not sure if it is printed in any parenting book, but every good parent knows the protocol!
I included both the picture and video because I print this blog into a book and the video doesn't print as well as you might think. I am sure there is an app for that though.

Here are some Belated Pictures from October

Evan helping me empty the dishwasher... just loved his outfit. This was potty training week I think. He actually did really well and it really only took a couple days of effort and then Kenna took over and did the rest. She was quite the cheer leader.


These are some random pictures playing dress up with the halloween stuff. Must not be in order, because Evan never went back to a diaper after conference weekend.


I would answer the door to some pretty crazy attempts at premature candy getting, but this was one of the better ones.

Their Costumes for Halloween 2011. Dallin wanted a staff so that when he got tired after walking for so long, he could lean on it. I think he had pretty high hopes of a lot of candy.

They did well on their pumpkins and were pretty independent on their carving experience. The one below is my first successful carving... seriously, the previous years weren't pretty. I learned that the Dremel was a good way to go when it comes to pumpkins. Its Harry Potter if you can't tell.

These next few are of our trip to California. Chief Hicken, Kim and Kaisha took us to Disneyland and Knott's Berry farm. We all had fun and were very grateful to them for doing that. It was really good to get out for a few days for something fun as well.

Evan, Dallin, Kenna, and Kaisha with Donald in his costume.


This trip was their first experience flying (Dallin flew once before with Wendy but he was too young to remember it) This is Evan looking out the airplane window, and then Kenna with the Chief. This was the only one I had of all of us together.

Rehabbing Injuries

I have been working on an injury that has prevented me from running for about 6 weeks now. Last week I had been able to finally run again and mentally I am ready for it, but as I try to run at the level I was at about 6 weeks ago, my leg doesn’t seem to get the message. I am finding it very frustrating that I am not at the level that I once was a short time ago and I have to keep reminding myself of how the body works and of the steps and levels that need to occur to strengthen that muscle to get back to running full time and full speed again. As I was running this morning and meditating on life and being frustrated with why I am having to go at such a slow pace and slightly favor the weaker leg, I can’t help but draw the parallels. Mentally I am ready, physically I am not. It would seem the other aspects of my life are just the opposite. As I think about the things that I need to do and that I know are right, logically I know what the best things are. The physical things like being married and sharing my life with someone and helping each other with all the responsibilities of being a parent and husband and the new ones to come with being a student again. Physically I am ready for that and I am ok with the idea of it, but as frustrating as it might be I am not sure my heart is ready to run at full speed. As I spend time with some incredible people I have to remind myself that even though it would be convenient… there is some walking that needs to be done before the run.

Dating 2.0

I have not really talked about this topic on here because it is a difficult topic to write about and partially because the stories aren’t completely mine to share. It is difficult to write on because of how it may come across, but if I am writing this in hopes that my kids will understand a little more about this part of their life someday, then I better include this part too.

I love Wendy so much and miss her more than words can convey and I never want it to be misinterpreted that I started dating again too soon for whatever reasons that might be or that it in any way takes away from this process of grieving for me, I feel I am doing alright. I miss her. Every day I miss her. My heart still skips a little when I see pictures of her and I accept that it will never change. I have tried to approach everything in my life right now prayerfully and I feel this is a focus that is necessary and right. I was sitting on the couch tonight with my son, Dallin, when he asked if he was going to have a stepmom. It took me off guard and I didn’t really have an answer, I just told him “probably… some day, would you be ok with that?” He said he would. I still don’t know what his thoughts are completely and it makes me sad that he has to be so aware of grown up things, but he has always been this way and I think he came with those tools because of what was to come in his life. In our life. He had also said the other day that when they all grow up and move out it would make him sad that I would be all alone. Honestly? What is a guy supposed to say to that?

Is it too soon to be dating? I have asked myself that many times. All I know is there will never be a time when I don’t miss Wendy and feel the pain of her not being here, but I am trying to do what is best and stay as close to what I feel prompted and guided to. I can’t be the kind of father I want to be by myself and I don’t really think that is what is intended for us. I recognize that there is no magical time period that once I have reached it, then all of a sudden I won’t question it or feel a certain way… just doesn’t exist.

Also, I have discovered that I am living my life in a fish bowl of sorts and details of what I do get back to me from the most peculiar places, so I feel that giving my thoughts can only clear up some of the more …entertaining rumors. Yes, I have been dating. I often get asked if it is weird. The answer to that is yes and no. There are things that I do every day now that I never would have thought I would be doing, yet they occur and somehow I am still me throughout the day… a very different me, but me none the less. I have joked many times at the oddity of discussing my dating experiences with my wife’s family, but never have I felt anything but love and support coming from them… and the first of the introductions have actually come through Wendy’s family. I don’t mean to suggest there have been many, but there have been a few and some very special women that I have been able to spend some time with and get to know and I hope to remain friends with them. My perspective, I feel, affords me a greater knowledge of what matters in a marriage relationship and what works well with me. It is very difficult to not compare with what I had and have with Wendy. I was reading through our texts to each other just the other day and the way we talked and were, there was never a time that I was not completely infatuated with her and her with me. I hope to find that again, not to have that would be unfair to both. The kids and I were driving the other day while they watched a movie in back and there was a kissing scene, Evan squealed “eeww, they are kissing on the lips!” Kenna’s reply was that it was "alright because Mommy and Daddy would always kiss on the lips". I like that they know that. I never hid the fact that I love their mom, and I never will.

While I do love what I had with Wendy, I am not looking for another Wendy or a “second” wife, I am looking for another person to be first in my life. When Wendy was pregnant with Kenna it was hard to imagine loving another little child as much as I loved Dallin, but then came this perfect little girl that stole my heart instantly, and then again with Evan and again with Maylee. The capacity to love is not hindered by previous experience, it is only increased. While it is difficult to imagine what it would be like to love another in that way, I feel I am able to. And while I know I will draw upon my experiences, I never want anyone to feel they are second to any or constantly being compared. That would doom it before it started.

I have learned a lot from my very limited dating experience thus far. The rules have changed in this time… what is the facebook etiquette on someone you have gone out with anyway? Wendy and I would comment when we went out and watched others and tried to figure out what date number the other couples were on and just how glad we were that we never had to do that again… careful what you say. I didn’t have kids the first time and that is a whole new ball game as well. I realize the girl that comes into my life will have to be incredibly patient. Yes, I try to see it from the girl’s point of view and it must be terribly intimidating. I recognize that my dates have probably read this blog or were at least introduced to it before they met me sometimes and in some ways that is good, others maybe not so good, especially if an unrealistic opinion of me is formed as I know I have many flaws that might not come across in these writings. In either case, dating should not ever feel like a church assignment for either person and I hope it never does, that may be a good indicator that I should have stayed home with my kids. I do want to say this; while I do think of Wendy often and it is incredibly painful to think of how much I miss her, I don’t feel like I am fragile, quite the opposite. I have had the kind of marriage that many wish for and so if all I get in this life is the memory of something wonderful and the vision of what to look forward to, I am ok with it. I do feel there is something great to look forward to with another someone, but I really have nothing to lose. I just want the girl I am with to be excited about being with me, and yes there is a lot of craziness waiting for anyone who dares enter my life... the fact is I have a lot of responsibilities and I need a best friend that is excited about the prospect of sharing that, even if it is somewhat different than what may be the normal date, engage, marry type thing. After all, let’s face it, if a girl is out with me she needs to know that three of my best traits are at home hopefully sleeping and they are a bonus and not something that has to be accepted with me…but are the best part of me. The reverse is also true, and among other reasons as well but I don’t introduce my dates to my kids partially because I don’t want them falling in love with them first and me as the guy they have to marry to get them!

Maybe I should add a little side note here. I realize many people have our benefit at heart and have been incredible, but please don’t see this post as an open invitation to set me up. I know that things happen in all sorts of ways and I am open to that, but this blog has been a great way for me to share and process through things and think of Wendy and not to open a dating site. Please respect my wish on that, I hope it is taken in the light I intend it because I do appreciate reading the comments and thoughtfulness of others. Thank you.