Not enough words to say thank you.

I have a box of cards here and many more names and posts and anonymous friends that have brought so much comfort to me and my family during a very difficult time in our life. I keep thinking that I will get to the stack of these things and be able to thank each of you individually the way I would like to for your thoughtfulness of me and mine. I have found that at the end of the day my time and energy have been spent and I have not found the means in a timely way to say how much I appreciate and love each of you. I have been humbled at the generosity of others. You have truly made me want to be better in all that I do and I wish I could convey this in a more personal way, but time keeps getting greater and I feel I need to express my gratitude to you at least in some small way before more time passes. I have spent the last few days reflecting and rereading through your comments and of Wendy’s journals and the mention of close friends and family bring both a smile to my face and an ache to my heart. It has brought the very real aspect of how limited our time on earth truly is and how much more important it is that we show love to each other. I have never been very good at receiving service and help, especially the financial kind… I still don’t know how to fully show my appreciation. I know I went from a state of not knowing how to pay for her final costs among other things during this transition period in life to a moment in time that those things are taken care of and afford me time with my kids to regroup and grow together. From the gifts on my doorstep to the donations on our behalf, to the comments of comfort and the listening ear by my family and friends, to watching my kids during the times that need that, to the incredible thoughtfulness of new life friends at the Saratoga police department of which I don’t know how to fully show my gratitude for their gift to me and my kids, from the love and support of total strangers to the opportunity to meet incredible people, I am in awe of the outpouring of love and the thoughtfulness of others. I wish I had the capacity to show and tell you all how much your caring has meant to me and I can only hope I am able to pay it forward in my life and teach my children to be the type of people that you have all shown me. Thank you. The words are inadequate, but I cannot think of any other way to say it. Nothing has gone unnoticed and all is appreciated. The hardest time in my life will always be coupled with the greatest showing of love. Thank you.

Christmas time

The holidays were tougher at times than I had anticipated, but they also brought a lot of joy and laughter. My kids are at such a fun age to see Christmas morning and while there was definitely someone being missed and reminders at every turn, we still enjoyed the moments. Evan is easily pleased and opened one present, a little green truck, and was content to just push it back and forth with Grandad. A little coaxing was necessary to get him to open a few more… but then he got it. Dallin and Kenna get just as excited to see others open their present as they do for opening their own, I hope they never grow out of that. She was pretty excited to learn some phrases in Spanish and was happy to wish a “Fleese Mommydod” to anyone who would listen, or who she thought might understand her mad language skills. So proud.

Dallin is at that point where he often stares off into space and you wait expecting a new epiphany which you know is coming and recently is usually a way to explain how Santa does what he does. Love the explanations, I need to be better at writing those ones down. We were driving somewhere the other day when he asked “Dad, why do they only collect money for the poor kids in December? What’s wrong with January?” Good question.

Evan is a wrecking ball most of the time and he is probably 80% of my focus through the day. When all is quiet in the house, it usually means he fell asleep somewhere… or he is into something he shouldn’t be, either way investigating is needed and pictures usually result.

Kenna is quite the mother hen with Evan. They all talk about mommy a lot, but Kenna is still the one that talks about her most. She set up her dolls around a picture of us all together when Kenna was born that is on her dresser. Her reason was that mommy didn’t get anything for Christmas so she thought she would do something nice… I can only guess it was a party. They usually say the same type of things, but there are some that I don’t know how to respond and I have no good answer for, like trying to explain to Kenna that there are some things that even Santa can’t bring her.