Still Here

Well, it has been some time since I have sat down to write anything for this blog. Every new day brings every day stuff that needs to be done. I have turned a lot of my focus on preparing for the move to Vegas as well as trying to take advantage of the time we have before that starts. It has always been the right choice for where to go to school and I think I have known that, but there was a big part of me that didn’t want to close the door on Arizona. Yes, the campus is beautiful and the people there were incredible to deal with, but I think the main reason was that is where Wendy and I were planning to go and I didn’t want to change those plans just yet. One reason Vegas is so right is that I always want my kids to know their mother as best they can through her family and while I know we will always be a part of their family, living close to her brother’s family in Vegas just ensures that we will have that every day. There are several factors to take into consideration and they all point to a 6 hour drive south of here. I am excited and a bit nervous for school to start. I look forward to working toward my future plans again with many obvious concerns at the differences in how that will look as opposed to what was originally planned. The kids are stronger than I ever imagined and I see them binding tighter together through this as well. I would never wish this to be our lesson to learn, but I cannot deny the blessings that have come from it as well.

I wouldn’t say easier… but “more used to” would be fairly accurate. I am getting more used to not having her here and more used to missing her. There is many of it that is still very surreal and I still see her out of the corner of my eye at times only to look before thinking. I feel like I am thinking more clearly again and the fog of emotion is lifting to allow that clarity more often. There are still those moments that remind me I am still feeling it all and I welcome them more than not. The “firsts” are always difficult because my memory always turns to the last time I celebrated new years or valentines or a birthday. I am older than her now. She was a month older than me and I would always joke with her about marrying someone with more experience. Turning 33 was the first birthday that bothered me at all about getting older because now I am older than her. Poor logic I know, but logic wasn’t really playing its part here. Soon there will be no more firsts on the calendar and in some ways that may be better, in other ways I don’t like the thought of that at all.

Some difficult things that I have been finding with being the only parent in the house is that my role as dad has changed dramatically. No more am I the guy that comes in at the end of the day and gets to be the mobile amusement park. We still have our moments for that, but I don’t have the stamina to be doing that all day long now that I am with them… all day long. A couple months ago Dallin asked that since mom wasn’t here, did that make him second in charge. He got a quick vocab lesson in what a “dictatorship” is, and I must admit that he seemed less than thrilled about it. Although Wendy never had the “wait til your dad gets home” attitude, she did have the option to buy time by saying “ let me discuss that with your dad” The problem with a dictatorship is they know you don’t have to consult with anyone and if they are asking for something they expect immediate resolution. I preferred the buying some time with “let me ask your mom” kind of thing too… “let me think about it” just doesn’t carry the same time delay and they can always smell stalling.

Life has lost its immortal feel that it once carried in the past. I no longer have that feeling that life will just continue on and on. The everyday concerns of some things seem kind of trivial now with this new perspective and death really carries very little fear for me. I don’t wish to die at all and I have so much that I look forward to being here for, death just doesn’t worry me like it used to. At the same time the little things bring more pleasure too. I still have those time wasters in my life, but their value is a little more in perspective. I liked the picture at the top, I saw it on one of my family's mission blog and I thought it simplified life well. Not really suggesting Vegas is Zion, but it is closer to Zion's park... so that works, right?

There is definitely a better way to do this than on my own, but I don’t feel like it is as overwhelming as it was originally, of course the laundry fairy comes on occasion… thanks mom. Well, now that I think I am getting the hang of being their solo dad… enter med school, piece of cake, right? Ha. I feel like that scene in Emperor’s New Groove;

Pacha: Uh-oh.
Kuzco: Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall.
Pacha: Yep.
Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Pacha: Most likely.
Kuzco: Bring it on.