I have not really talked about this topic on here because it is a difficult topic to write about and partially because the stories aren’t completely mine to share. It is difficult to write on because of how it may come across, but if I am writing this in hopes that my kids will understand a little more about this part of their life someday, then I better include this part too.
I love Wendy so much and miss her more than words can convey and I never want it to be misinterpreted that I started dating again too soon for whatever reasons that might be or that it in any way takes away from this process of grieving for me, I feel I am doing alright. I miss her. Every day I miss her. My heart still skips a little when I see pictures of her and I accept that it will never change. I have tried to approach everything in my life right now prayerfully and I feel this is a focus that is necessary and right. I was sitting on the couch tonight with my son, Dallin, when he asked if he was going to have a stepmom. It took me off guard and I didn’t really have an answer, I just told him “probably… some day, would you be ok with that?” He said he would. I still don’t know what his thoughts are completely and it makes me sad that he has to be so aware of grown up things, but he has always been this way and I think he came with those tools because of what was to come in his life. In our life. He had also said the other day that when they all grow up and move out it would make him sad that I would be all alone. Honestly? What is a guy supposed to say to that?
Is it too soon to be dating? I have asked myself that many times. All I know is there will never be a time when I don’t miss Wendy and feel the pain of her not being here, but I am trying to do what is best and stay as close to what I feel prompted and guided to. I can’t be the kind of father I want to be by myself and I don’t really think that is what is intended for us. I recognize that there is no magical time period that once I have reached it, then all of a sudden I won’t question it or feel a certain way… just doesn’t exist.
Also, I have discovered that I am living my life in a fish bowl of sorts and details of what I do get back to me from the most peculiar places, so I feel that giving my thoughts can only clear up some of the more …entertaining rumors. Yes, I have been dating. I often get asked if it is weird. The answer to that is yes and no. There are things that I do every day now that I never would have thought I would be doing, yet they occur and somehow I am still me throughout the day… a very different me, but me none the less. I have joked many times at the oddity of discussing my dating experiences with my wife’s family, but never have I felt anything but love and support coming from them… and the first of the introductions have actually come through Wendy’s family. I don’t mean to suggest there have been many, but there have been a few and some very special women that I have been able to spend some time with and get to know and I hope to remain friends with them. My perspective, I feel, affords me a greater knowledge of what matters in a marriage relationship and what works well with me. It is very difficult to not compare with what I had and have with Wendy. I was reading through our texts to each other just the other day and the way we talked and were, there was never a time that I was not completely infatuated with her and her with me. I hope to find that again, not to have that would be unfair to both. The kids and I were driving the other day while they watched a movie in back and there was a kissing scene, Evan squealed “eeww, they are kissing on the lips!” Kenna’s reply was that it was "alright because Mommy and Daddy would always kiss on the lips". I like that they know that. I never hid the fact that I love their mom, and I never will.
While I do love what I had with Wendy, I am not looking for another Wendy or a “second” wife, I am looking for another person to be first in my life. When Wendy was pregnant with Kenna it was hard to imagine loving another little child as much as I loved Dallin, but then came this perfect little girl that stole my heart instantly, and then again with Evan and again with Maylee. The capacity to love is not hindered by previous experience, it is only increased. While it is difficult to imagine what it would be like to love another in that way, I feel I am able to. And while I know I will draw upon my experiences, I never want anyone to feel they are second to any or constantly being compared. That would doom it before it started.
I have learned a lot from my very limited dating experience thus far. The rules have changed in this time… what is the facebook etiquette on someone you have gone out with anyway? Wendy and I would comment when we went out and watched others and tried to figure out what date number the other couples were on and just how glad we were that we never had to do that again… careful what you say. I didn’t have kids the first time and that is a whole new ball game as well. I realize the girl that comes into my life will have to be incredibly patient. Yes, I try to see it from the girl’s point of view and it must be terribly intimidating. I recognize that my dates have probably read this blog or were at least introduced to it before they met me sometimes and in some ways that is good, others maybe not so good, especially if an unrealistic opinion of me is formed as I know I have many flaws that might not come across in these writings. In either case, dating should not ever feel like a church assignment for either person and I hope it never does, that may be a good indicator that I should have stayed home with my kids. I do want to say this; while I do think of Wendy often and it is incredibly painful to think of how much I miss her, I don’t feel like I am fragile, quite the opposite. I have had the kind of marriage that many wish for and so if all I get in this life is the memory of something wonderful and the vision of what to look forward to, I am ok with it. I do feel there is something great to look forward to with another someone, but I really have nothing to lose. I just want the girl I am with to be excited about being with me, and yes there is a lot of craziness waiting for anyone who dares enter my life... the fact is I have a lot of responsibilities and I need a best friend that is excited about the prospect of sharing that, even if it is somewhat different than what may be the normal date, engage, marry type thing. After all, let’s face it, if a girl is out with me she needs to know that three of my best traits are at home hopefully sleeping and they are a bonus and not something that has to be accepted with me…but are the best part of me. The reverse is also true, and among other reasons as well but I don’t introduce my dates to my kids partially because I don’t want them falling in love with them first and me as the guy they have to marry to get them!
Maybe I should add a little side note here. I realize many people have our benefit at heart and have been incredible, but please don’t see this post as an open invitation to set me up. I know that things happen in all sorts of ways and I am open to that, but this blog has been a great way for me to share and process through things and think of Wendy and not to open a dating site. Please respect my wish on that, I hope it is taken in the light I intend it because I do appreciate reading the comments and thoughtfulness of others. Thank you.
26 comments:
Just reading this I have a mix of emotions. I can't imagine how you feel. My first inclination is probably what you've heard a million times. It's a replacement, 2nd choice, makes your marriage less valuable blah blah blah. But what you said about additional children completely makes sense to me. I always tell my husband that if I die, he can't get married again. Really, that's just me being selfish. I honestly hope that you find happiness. I know you have and you do. But I hope you find a best friend to share that with and to love and support you. :) Best wishes!
as a wife and mother myself, i can guarantee that Wendy would want you to be dating, to have another mom for her kids, to help do their hair,wrap their Christmas gifts,cook dinner for them,etc... you are such a great dad! Also, I think the term "bonus mom" is much better than "step mom"! They get an extra mom here on earth to help take care of them, while Wendy is their "angel mom" from Heaven....
I can sympathize with you. My husband died when I was 3 months pregnant with our son. I often contemplated when would be right to date and how would that man be with my son. It has been 4 1/2 years since Mike died and I am happily engaged and just had a little baby girl. My fiancé treats my son as his own and has been around since my son was a year old so he does call him dad. One day when he is old enough he will know all about his father and how wonderful he was. I feel lucky to have had the time with him that I did and now I feel lucky for the man I will soon call my husband. I'm sure one day you will find another special someone to add to you're life, not replace the one you had. :)
I was told once that when a man gets remarried after his wife dies, that it's the best compliment he could ever share with his wife. For the wife to know that the husband loved her and their marriage so much that he would want to experience it again is just plain flattering. Obviously you had a wonderful marriage....or you wouldn't be open to dating and the possibility of marrying again.
A man went through a similiar situation as you. The advice given to him was: That he wasn't finding someone to "replace" his wife but a woman to take her place by his side.
Thank you for this post. You very beautifully verbalized my thoughts on dating after being widowed at a young ge with young children at home. It is in inconceivable notion to many but widowers and widows "get it." Or at least, I do. Thanks.
Well said...
Thank you for sharing. Recently, a friend told me that her heart just ached and hurt. And another friend told her that her heart was just stretching, making room for more people to love. I love the thought that you shared about adding more children in your life. You love them, even when you don't know how you would love them as much as the first. Merry Christmas to you and your family!
I am not widowed, but divorced and there are similiarities concerning the kids. (and other ways as well but I don't want to appear that I know how anyone who has lost a spouse feels) I feel very protective of my son in dating relationship and don't introduce dates to him. For the date's sake mostly. I can imagine how difficult it is for the other person trying to wrap their mind around the idea of you in their life plus children. That would be hard. But my son is very much the center of who I am. So not to be able to "talk" about him with people that don't have kids that I date, in order to keep the date in a neutral way and the relationship based on the two of us is in hard. But having to take on the "whole"
You try to shield them from that initial frontloading. But I hope that others understand that your children are your life and will be. That they won't disappear once they turn 18. That each night has been spent cuddling in bed, reading stories; as a mom I don't want that to change. I would work hard to balance out that attention between the man in my life and my child. All parents have that same struggle whether in a new marriage, or not.
Another aspect is our religion. During WWII many women were widowed and therefore men were reluctant to want to be marry another woman sealed to another man. I can't imagine many of the lonely heartaches felt throughout all such times.
I guess it is a relief when you reach that place of understanding about love. When you can relinquish jealously and know that love can still take root and grow into something equally as wonderful. In heaven I imagine it will all be sorted out even to a deeper level. Our friendships with one another and the security we have in who we are will enable that love to abound.
Divorcees have their own heartaches that would have seemingly been easier resolved had death been the reason a marriage ended. But, we too are working toward eternal marriages and instead of being "yoked" with that partner we are partnered with the Lord through the temple ordinances. At least that is how I look at it and I hope that I haven't offended anyone by this comment. I hope to have given some hope to others who have "lost" spouses in similiar ways and to help with the stigma of possibly dating someone divorced with kids.
It can still be beautiful and it isn't doomed to failure because one marriage didn't work out the way that you had hoped. The same hope that Denny has for a companion can be ours, too.
It's been my experience that after a tragedy and suffering, there is a need to rebuild, to embrace life, love and the sweetness of living.
I've told my husband several times that if I were to pass away while our children are young that I most definitely want him to remarry...and yes, we are sealed, if you were wondering. I would want my children to have another mom to love and help them here on earth. He then replies with, "Well, maybe if she understood that we could only be friends." But that isn't fair. The woman would deserve his love and exactly what you said, "not feel like a replacement." And may I add that I think you do an excellent job balancing between keeping Wendy's memory for your children to remember how wonderful of a person she was and accepting someone new to share their love with. I wish you the very best.
Hi Denny. I have been a follower of your blog for some time. Congrad's you are doing a wonderful job with the kiddo's. Wendy would be so proud of all you have done.
You'll know when the time is right for you to move forward. And you need to for yourself, and the kids. I am so thankful each day for the Gospel and Eternal Families and the knowledge you'll be together with your wife and daughter one day.
Look around, you will find her. And when you least expect it. She'll be a wife and mother, different from Wendy.
Hello-
I have been reading your blog ever since I saw your wifes obituary in the paper. I know, I am odd for reading obituaries, but whatever.
AT 26, I became a widow. It was such a difficult process, losing my husband, eternal companion, father to my two young children (at the time where 4 and 5). It has almost been 6 years since he has passed, and I am not going to lie, it still hurts like crap.
Getting remarried has been a hard thing to do, especially being a girl. Because in the church, a girl cannot be sealed to more than one man, whereas a man can be sealed to more than one woman. Try finding a active LDS man, who is ok with the fact that they cannot be sealed to me is not an easy thing to find. I did eventually find someone to remarry, but it still has been very difficult because it is nothing like my first husband, someone you grew a life with together, started out together, etc. It will not be the same.
I remember the hospice counselor telling me that typically young widows who were happy in their marriage will typically remarry in the first year, because they want that happiness back. I thought that that was the most bizarre statistic ever, and could never imagine doing that. However, I was part of that statistic and I did do it.
It is so hard being able to date and to find someone. You still miss that person that you love so much. You feel guilty thinking about your spouse, when you feel like you should not. You feel guilty talking about them in front of your kids around them because you don't want them to feel bad. Trying to keep their memory alive becomes a lot more difficult.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I do wish you the best of luck. I do wish you the best in finding someone that you can enjoy and spend your time with. Remarrying will never take away the feelings that you have today, you will always miss Wendy and it will still be ok to grieve them.
I still miss my late husband. Just like your spouse was your best friend, he was mine as well. And best friends are hard to come by.
God bless.
When my brother passed away I was left with a huge hole in my heart, and a missing puzzle piece to my family. When his eternal wife decided to get remarried ( very fast after his death) I was hurt to the core. That is just the truth. She didn't understand why this would be hard for me or others. I didn't understand how she could fall in love so fast. The death didn't just happen to her, I lost my brother and could never replace or " get" a life brother. That was that. I admit I was very confused with my feelings and felt I would be losing that part of my family. Death really does cause a lot of change, and despair and we all cope differently. Today its still hard, my line of sight hasnt changed- I dont get a different brother. I like the man she married, he is good to her and Im happy for her.
what does all this tell you- just how complicated the feelings of death and moving on can be. Expect some super saddness, confusion, and please if anyone is feeling left behind try and understan them as well. It sound like you have good support for your in-laws. I hope the best for you. I just say keep your wife in the picture always, keep her memories and life available to your kids and all will be fine. God bless
and to add to my last comment, I knew my brother wouldnt have wanted his wife to remain a widow forever...He is a great man and would want her happy. I just am coming from a different place. I have a mix of emotions also. I remember being angry that she could fall in love again so easily after a temple marriage. And when her, now, husband was so blunt as to say the church wants you to get remarried fast and to move on. - good luck with all your choices.
Wishing you all the best!
Being a blog stalker :) ... I've prayed for you, your family and all of those who have had the pleasure to know your beautiful wife. I like your perspective on this topic and have gained insight from your willlingness to share the written word. I've been dating for so long, that I've forgotten some of the points you brought out.
Wanting the best for you and your beautiful kiddos. I'm certain that heaven smiles down on you and that you will have guidance not only from a loving Heavenly Father but from a beautiful Eternal companion.. what is sealed here, is sealed there.
I truly believe your sweet Wendy will have a hand and guide you to the woman, whom will continue her work in loving and caring for you and your children. Trust in the Lord's hand, as well. He knows yours and your children future.
I would say continue to talk with your children about their mother and sister, share their memories on film, so when they are older they can share their thoughts with their children.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Enjoy your little ones this Christmas, I know the special meaning it has on those that have been separtated from love ones.
Thanks for posting about this. It's been 10 months since my husband died, and I haven't dated at all yet, but the thoughts been there. But mostly I'm freaking out because of all the emotions and issues that you and your comments mentioned. It's a really difficult thing. Thanks for sharing, it's helped me wade through some of the things I'm struggling with when it comes to finally facing the whole dating thing.
I just love the thoughts you shared here... And from what I know of Wendy, by working with her at Timp and her being BFs with my cousin Mckell, she would be supporting your decisions 100%. There is nothing more Wendy would want than seeing you happy and living life to the fullest. What lucky ducks your kids are to have you as their dad, Wendy as their mom, and the sweet companion I'm sure one day you will have, as their stepmom. Families are what life is all about no matter how they are put together. :) Merry Christmas to you and your family!
I understand exactly how you feel. I have been a widow for three and a half years. I appreciate you writing down and sharing your thoughts... it helps me to understand that I am not the only one going through all of these thoughts, emotions, and concerns for the future. Thank you.
I have a friend in your same situation, she lost her husband and is in the dating scene again. It has been difficult for her and for those she dates. One man ended their relationship frustrated because he "could never replace the wonderful man she was married to". Just remember, for you and for your date, that you are not looking for someone to love INSTEAD of your dear Wendy, but for someone to love ALSO. As you said, you have the ability to expand your love for others. You don't have to be alone, you will find another. I think of you and your family often. I loved your Wendy. I knew her well in high school. She didn't have much to learn here, she was pretty close to perfect :) I wish you and your sweet little ones the best in all you do.
...I should add, my friend got back together with the man that I spoke of and they are making wedding plans. She explained that she wasn't looking for someone to 'replace' her husband, she din't want to replace him and no one ever could. He was a huge part of her life so obviously she was going to talk about him and she didn't have anything bad to say about him, so from a date's perspective I think that put a lot of pressure on him to 'measure up'. You are such an amazing person, and your posts are so inspiring. You will be led to the right things for you and your family if you continue to face each day prayerfully. Best wishes.
I have been following along, and just love how you share your heart here. I love how you are approaching the whole "dating" world this time around. The truth is none of us know for sure how we will act unless we are faced with such a situation in our own lives. And in my opinion it really helps that you have a "faith", and a certain standard of living that guides you on the better ways to handle things with your kiddos. Like don't introduce them to every new gal you date. They could just as well fall in love with someone you are not serious about, etc. etc. I have wondered what I might do if I was in a situation such as your's and it makes me sad to even go there. First of all... I am not as cute as I once was, so I wonder who would want me. But I assume I would just hope to become great friends with someone and they would grow to love me, and I them, etc. That is how the relationship started with my hubs and I in high school. We were friends and it grew to more. He loves me no matter what stages my body goes through. Ha! I could never imagine "dating" different people, and then suddenly knowing that they were marriage material. :) I don't like that many people that much. Ha! Anyway... I am sure guys view the dating scene differently. And, I wish you the very best.
Loved this post and your complete honesty with the whole "dating" stuff. Check out itsahuntlife.blogspot.com it's the "moms" blog, however her now husband is a widower and the way she speaks about her life, their life as a family now and his life before is quite incredible. A must read :)
Emily, thank you for the link, I enjoyed reading the thoughts from the perspective of the woman he married after his wife died. It just confirms that is so important to find someone that gets things like this. Thank you.
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