Some things I have learned

Over the past few months we have been through what seemed at the time like quite a bit of trials. During these times we had to keep reminding ourselves that at least we had what was important; health, love, family, a home, more wealth than most of the world population and most importantly we had each other... Well damn… what does this new trial mean then?

Does this mean that while we were struggling through these trials knowing the only thing we were drawing strength from was each other and that God wanted to take that away? Does this mean that God was never there to begin with or that he wasn’t listening? No. While it would be easy to lash out and be angry and deny things I know, I have found that this means that He knows us more than even we know and that when we think there is no more that we can bare, he breaks down new walls and finds a spot we never knew existed in us. He makes us stronger whether we know we can handle it or not. This is the most difficult thing that I have ever had to endure and yet I have no idea what lay ahead for us. All I know is that despite my best guesses, I am still standing and I still believe in a merciful loving god that knows what I need more than I know myself. You might ask why then take my Wendy. The partial answer as I see it is this; and I feel very sure of this knowledge. Wendy was closer to getting it right than anyone else I know. Her unquestioning obedience to what she knew to be right was a great strength to me and if I am to be worthy of such a wonderful daughter of god I have some growth of my own to do, and so he allows this angel to be taken, in part to teach this inadequate fool that was fortunate enough to spend time and look forward to eternity with her. I am not so closed minded and selfish that I think He would deprive Wendy of this life, and her children and her family of the pleasure of her company simply because of me. No. But I do think that this provides an opportunity for growth and to dismiss it would be a severe disservice to Wendy. I have been humbled by how many people have been touched by her example and I will never hold back on what I know she would want everyone to learn from her. I don’t know how difficult this is for Wendy, I am sure this trial is something she sees from another perspective, but I feel that these feelings of missing us is very similar, she just has a greater knowledge of how it works out. I am glad Maylee is there to keep her company, but I am sure she misses being here for the day to day of being mom to the other three. I don’t pretend to know much on this topic, but I know the big things… I am loved, anything else will have to be sorted out.

So, here I sit with only part of the picture. I don’t know how I would do it without the strength of my little ones here by me. They make it possible to put one foot in front of the other and avoid my tendency to just shut the world out and not have to deal with anything. Their being here forces me to be there for them and life and all of its minutia seems to continue and that is where my power to laugh and be “normal” comes from. It is the time when it slows down that is difficult to take in. So I continue and have to remind myself that maybe hers is the more difficult task to sit back from a distance and watch this bumbling father figure out how she did everything within the day.