Rehabbing Injuries

I have been working on an injury that has prevented me from running for about 6 weeks now. Last week I had been able to finally run again and mentally I am ready for it, but as I try to run at the level I was at about 6 weeks ago, my leg doesn’t seem to get the message. I am finding it very frustrating that I am not at the level that I once was a short time ago and I have to keep reminding myself of how the body works and of the steps and levels that need to occur to strengthen that muscle to get back to running full time and full speed again. As I was running this morning and meditating on life and being frustrated with why I am having to go at such a slow pace and slightly favor the weaker leg, I can’t help but draw the parallels. Mentally I am ready, physically I am not. It would seem the other aspects of my life are just the opposite. As I think about the things that I need to do and that I know are right, logically I know what the best things are. The physical things like being married and sharing my life with someone and helping each other with all the responsibilities of being a parent and husband and the new ones to come with being a student again. Physically I am ready for that and I am ok with the idea of it, but as frustrating as it might be I am not sure my heart is ready to run at full speed. As I spend time with some incredible people I have to remind myself that even though it would be convenient… there is some walking that needs to be done before the run.

Dating 2.0

I have not really talked about this topic on here because it is a difficult topic to write about and partially because the stories aren’t completely mine to share. It is difficult to write on because of how it may come across, but if I am writing this in hopes that my kids will understand a little more about this part of their life someday, then I better include this part too.

I love Wendy so much and miss her more than words can convey and I never want it to be misinterpreted that I started dating again too soon for whatever reasons that might be or that it in any way takes away from this process of grieving for me, I feel I am doing alright. I miss her. Every day I miss her. My heart still skips a little when I see pictures of her and I accept that it will never change. I have tried to approach everything in my life right now prayerfully and I feel this is a focus that is necessary and right. I was sitting on the couch tonight with my son, Dallin, when he asked if he was going to have a stepmom. It took me off guard and I didn’t really have an answer, I just told him “probably… some day, would you be ok with that?” He said he would. I still don’t know what his thoughts are completely and it makes me sad that he has to be so aware of grown up things, but he has always been this way and I think he came with those tools because of what was to come in his life. In our life. He had also said the other day that when they all grow up and move out it would make him sad that I would be all alone. Honestly? What is a guy supposed to say to that?

Is it too soon to be dating? I have asked myself that many times. All I know is there will never be a time when I don’t miss Wendy and feel the pain of her not being here, but I am trying to do what is best and stay as close to what I feel prompted and guided to. I can’t be the kind of father I want to be by myself and I don’t really think that is what is intended for us. I recognize that there is no magical time period that once I have reached it, then all of a sudden I won’t question it or feel a certain way… just doesn’t exist.

Also, I have discovered that I am living my life in a fish bowl of sorts and details of what I do get back to me from the most peculiar places, so I feel that giving my thoughts can only clear up some of the more …entertaining rumors. Yes, I have been dating. I often get asked if it is weird. The answer to that is yes and no. There are things that I do every day now that I never would have thought I would be doing, yet they occur and somehow I am still me throughout the day… a very different me, but me none the less. I have joked many times at the oddity of discussing my dating experiences with my wife’s family, but never have I felt anything but love and support coming from them… and the first of the introductions have actually come through Wendy’s family. I don’t mean to suggest there have been many, but there have been a few and some very special women that I have been able to spend some time with and get to know and I hope to remain friends with them. My perspective, I feel, affords me a greater knowledge of what matters in a marriage relationship and what works well with me. It is very difficult to not compare with what I had and have with Wendy. I was reading through our texts to each other just the other day and the way we talked and were, there was never a time that I was not completely infatuated with her and her with me. I hope to find that again, not to have that would be unfair to both. The kids and I were driving the other day while they watched a movie in back and there was a kissing scene, Evan squealed “eeww, they are kissing on the lips!” Kenna’s reply was that it was "alright because Mommy and Daddy would always kiss on the lips". I like that they know that. I never hid the fact that I love their mom, and I never will.

While I do love what I had with Wendy, I am not looking for another Wendy or a “second” wife, I am looking for another person to be first in my life. When Wendy was pregnant with Kenna it was hard to imagine loving another little child as much as I loved Dallin, but then came this perfect little girl that stole my heart instantly, and then again with Evan and again with Maylee. The capacity to love is not hindered by previous experience, it is only increased. While it is difficult to imagine what it would be like to love another in that way, I feel I am able to. And while I know I will draw upon my experiences, I never want anyone to feel they are second to any or constantly being compared. That would doom it before it started.

I have learned a lot from my very limited dating experience thus far. The rules have changed in this time… what is the facebook etiquette on someone you have gone out with anyway? Wendy and I would comment when we went out and watched others and tried to figure out what date number the other couples were on and just how glad we were that we never had to do that again… careful what you say. I didn’t have kids the first time and that is a whole new ball game as well. I realize the girl that comes into my life will have to be incredibly patient. Yes, I try to see it from the girl’s point of view and it must be terribly intimidating. I recognize that my dates have probably read this blog or were at least introduced to it before they met me sometimes and in some ways that is good, others maybe not so good, especially if an unrealistic opinion of me is formed as I know I have many flaws that might not come across in these writings. In either case, dating should not ever feel like a church assignment for either person and I hope it never does, that may be a good indicator that I should have stayed home with my kids. I do want to say this; while I do think of Wendy often and it is incredibly painful to think of how much I miss her, I don’t feel like I am fragile, quite the opposite. I have had the kind of marriage that many wish for and so if all I get in this life is the memory of something wonderful and the vision of what to look forward to, I am ok with it. I do feel there is something great to look forward to with another someone, but I really have nothing to lose. I just want the girl I am with to be excited about being with me, and yes there is a lot of craziness waiting for anyone who dares enter my life... the fact is I have a lot of responsibilities and I need a best friend that is excited about the prospect of sharing that, even if it is somewhat different than what may be the normal date, engage, marry type thing. After all, let’s face it, if a girl is out with me she needs to know that three of my best traits are at home hopefully sleeping and they are a bonus and not something that has to be accepted with me…but are the best part of me. The reverse is also true, and among other reasons as well but I don’t introduce my dates to my kids partially because I don’t want them falling in love with them first and me as the guy they have to marry to get them!

Maybe I should add a little side note here. I realize many people have our benefit at heart and have been incredible, but please don’t see this post as an open invitation to set me up. I know that things happen in all sorts of ways and I am open to that, but this blog has been a great way for me to share and process through things and think of Wendy and not to open a dating site. Please respect my wish on that, I hope it is taken in the light I intend it because I do appreciate reading the comments and thoughtfulness of others. Thank you.

Happy 33rd

Happy birthday my love. I miss you. Dallin was saying that he was glad that you got to stay the way you are forever because he "just likes the way you are"... I would have to agree, although I wish I could have grown old with you. I would have loved to be an old grandparent with you! I hope you get to celebrate and possibly have a piece of pumpkin cheese cake and maybe some peach sherbet to enjoy the day. We did some things together today and I think it was good, but I sure missed you. I love you.

Counting Anyway

Half a year. I have been without her for more than 6 months. I told myself early that counting the days or months would not be productive, but I can’t help but notice that 6 months has gone by without her. There are some moments I still have to confirm in my thoughts that this is really what has happened. Some days I come home and have a small instance where I fully expect her to be there and I have to remind myself of the reality. I can’t tell you how often I see her in the corner of my eye and it doesn’t seem odd to me that I turn expecting to see her there and then just as quickly remember. Those times really aren’t any harder, they are just more reminders. I miss her, that goes without saying. In some ways it is harder, in others it is easier with time.

The kids still talk a lot about her and Maylee and sometimes say some things that really throw me for a loop. Their perspective of life is so much different than what I thought about at their age. Evan doesn’t ask where mommy is anymore, he will often say out of the blue that “Mommy and Maylee died, huh Daddy” He still comments often on how cute Maylee was. Kenna will still talk about it more than the other two, she often wants to go buy them dresses for when they come back… we have had several conversations on that, but she still asks. I think she gets it in her own way but there are times that I worry I am not being as clear, but I don’t feel there is any reason to be concerned. It is a process. Dallin talks mainly about things he remembers us doing together as do the other two. I like hearing their memories and I hope they all stay vivid and fresh for them to have always.

Wendy’s birthday is in a few days. I don’t really know how to celebrate it… I just know that it will be with those three little ones that each have so much of her in their individual ways. Whether it is Dallin’s caring heart and concern for what others are feeling, Kenna’s delight in everything beautiful, or little Evan’s sense of humor, they are all made up of the best parts of her and I am glad I have them to remind me.

Tooth Fairy Gone AWOL

This morning at about 6:30 I woke up to Dallin with a panicked look on his face (from what I could see with blurry eyes anyway) He was holding the tooth he pulled out last night and telling me that the tooth fairy didn’t come… my turn to be panicked. My thoughts raced for a minute.

“Maybe he couldn’t find it because your room is so messy.” I said

With a short pause and a look of relief, he asks “Dad, can I clean my room today?”

...Genius!

“yes,” I say “after you do your homework, you can clean your room” (said trying to suppress my grin.)

Talk about turning tragedy into triumph! Whatever else happens today at least it started with an epic win!

Last night Dallin said he thought it was time for this tooth to come out. He walked out of the room and came back about an hour later and said grinning with a new gap in his smile "Dad, I just punched myself and it came right out"

...Well, that's one way to do it... just sorry me and my camera missed that one boy battle!

Let's hope the tooth fairy remembers tonight.

Be like a Child

Today in Church my little Kenna was so excited to share her testimony that she went up and sat on the stand to wait her turn to speak... only problem was that it was not testimony meeting! Didn't know what to do but sit and chuckle... gotta love that girl's spunk! After a chat with the bishop, she just came back down smiling, clearly undaunted by being sent back to her seat and asked if she could go sit by her friend Dylan instead. I am sure we will see her up there in a few weeks!

My little Girl turns 5

Every day brings with it a “first” of some kind, some days are a little more evident. My little Kenna turned 5 in September. Her birthday was a great day and there were so many that came to show their love for her and us. I was very grateful to see everyone there. It felt good. I was worried that her birthday would not be as good as others she has had and that she would know this one wasn’t planned by her mom, but she didn’t seem to act like it was lacking. She made the comment of how much she wished Mommy and Maylee could be there, but I think she still felt like the princess. I think things like this are noticed more by me than by them, I still want them to be fun days though.

The party itself went well, thanks to my mom and little sis who helped a lot with the favors and things. Not to mention the cake pops that were shaped like floating lanterns from her aunt Heather... most of them made it to the table to share! We set it up in the garage complete with the projection and screen from my old office and played Tangled. Thanks to an anonymous fairy godmother we had a special guest too. Cinderella showed up and sang songs and played games and read a story and she was a huge hit, I would recommend it for any future princess party! So, whoever that was, thank you! My little niece (appropriately dressed up in a little devil costume) commented when Cinderella started reading the book about Cinderella… she said with a little bit of a valley girl attitude “I know about this, I saw this movie” Cracked me up. With that and Tate, the only boy in the picture, trying to be smooth with Cinderella, it was all very entertaining.

Wendy and I would always let them pick what kind of design they wanted for their cake, so I wanted that to continue to be a part of their day. The cake construction was touch and go there for a bit, but it came out structurally sound and required very little mud, spackle, and grabber screws! To those of you who ate the cake…I am kidding, everything was edible… or at least was supposed to be!

It was good to be there with everyone. I really missed her being there and didn’t like thinking of all the birthdays to come without her, but it was still a day to celebrate.