Still Here

Well, it has been some time since I have sat down to write anything for this blog. Every new day brings every day stuff that needs to be done. I have turned a lot of my focus on preparing for the move to Vegas as well as trying to take advantage of the time we have before that starts. It has always been the right choice for where to go to school and I think I have known that, but there was a big part of me that didn’t want to close the door on Arizona. Yes, the campus is beautiful and the people there were incredible to deal with, but I think the main reason was that is where Wendy and I were planning to go and I didn’t want to change those plans just yet. One reason Vegas is so right is that I always want my kids to know their mother as best they can through her family and while I know we will always be a part of their family, living close to her brother’s family in Vegas just ensures that we will have that every day. There are several factors to take into consideration and they all point to a 6 hour drive south of here. I am excited and a bit nervous for school to start. I look forward to working toward my future plans again with many obvious concerns at the differences in how that will look as opposed to what was originally planned. The kids are stronger than I ever imagined and I see them binding tighter together through this as well. I would never wish this to be our lesson to learn, but I cannot deny the blessings that have come from it as well.

I wouldn’t say easier… but “more used to” would be fairly accurate. I am getting more used to not having her here and more used to missing her. There is many of it that is still very surreal and I still see her out of the corner of my eye at times only to look before thinking. I feel like I am thinking more clearly again and the fog of emotion is lifting to allow that clarity more often. There are still those moments that remind me I am still feeling it all and I welcome them more than not. The “firsts” are always difficult because my memory always turns to the last time I celebrated new years or valentines or a birthday. I am older than her now. She was a month older than me and I would always joke with her about marrying someone with more experience. Turning 33 was the first birthday that bothered me at all about getting older because now I am older than her. Poor logic I know, but logic wasn’t really playing its part here. Soon there will be no more firsts on the calendar and in some ways that may be better, in other ways I don’t like the thought of that at all.

Some difficult things that I have been finding with being the only parent in the house is that my role as dad has changed dramatically. No more am I the guy that comes in at the end of the day and gets to be the mobile amusement park. We still have our moments for that, but I don’t have the stamina to be doing that all day long now that I am with them… all day long. A couple months ago Dallin asked that since mom wasn’t here, did that make him second in charge. He got a quick vocab lesson in what a “dictatorship” is, and I must admit that he seemed less than thrilled about it. Although Wendy never had the “wait til your dad gets home” attitude, she did have the option to buy time by saying “ let me discuss that with your dad” The problem with a dictatorship is they know you don’t have to consult with anyone and if they are asking for something they expect immediate resolution. I preferred the buying some time with “let me ask your mom” kind of thing too… “let me think about it” just doesn’t carry the same time delay and they can always smell stalling.

Life has lost its immortal feel that it once carried in the past. I no longer have that feeling that life will just continue on and on. The everyday concerns of some things seem kind of trivial now with this new perspective and death really carries very little fear for me. I don’t wish to die at all and I have so much that I look forward to being here for, death just doesn’t worry me like it used to. At the same time the little things bring more pleasure too. I still have those time wasters in my life, but their value is a little more in perspective. I liked the picture at the top, I saw it on one of my family's mission blog and I thought it simplified life well. Not really suggesting Vegas is Zion, but it is closer to Zion's park... so that works, right?

There is definitely a better way to do this than on my own, but I don’t feel like it is as overwhelming as it was originally, of course the laundry fairy comes on occasion… thanks mom. Well, now that I think I am getting the hang of being their solo dad… enter med school, piece of cake, right? Ha. I feel like that scene in Emperor’s New Groove;

Pacha: Uh-oh.
Kuzco: Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall.
Pacha: Yep.
Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Pacha: Most likely.
Kuzco: Bring it on.

Not enough words to say thank you.

I have a box of cards here and many more names and posts and anonymous friends that have brought so much comfort to me and my family during a very difficult time in our life. I keep thinking that I will get to the stack of these things and be able to thank each of you individually the way I would like to for your thoughtfulness of me and mine. I have found that at the end of the day my time and energy have been spent and I have not found the means in a timely way to say how much I appreciate and love each of you. I have been humbled at the generosity of others. You have truly made me want to be better in all that I do and I wish I could convey this in a more personal way, but time keeps getting greater and I feel I need to express my gratitude to you at least in some small way before more time passes. I have spent the last few days reflecting and rereading through your comments and of Wendy’s journals and the mention of close friends and family bring both a smile to my face and an ache to my heart. It has brought the very real aspect of how limited our time on earth truly is and how much more important it is that we show love to each other. I have never been very good at receiving service and help, especially the financial kind… I still don’t know how to fully show my appreciation. I know I went from a state of not knowing how to pay for her final costs among other things during this transition period in life to a moment in time that those things are taken care of and afford me time with my kids to regroup and grow together. From the gifts on my doorstep to the donations on our behalf, to the comments of comfort and the listening ear by my family and friends, to watching my kids during the times that need that, to the incredible thoughtfulness of new life friends at the Saratoga police department of which I don’t know how to fully show my gratitude for their gift to me and my kids, from the love and support of total strangers to the opportunity to meet incredible people, I am in awe of the outpouring of love and the thoughtfulness of others. I wish I had the capacity to show and tell you all how much your caring has meant to me and I can only hope I am able to pay it forward in my life and teach my children to be the type of people that you have all shown me. Thank you. The words are inadequate, but I cannot think of any other way to say it. Nothing has gone unnoticed and all is appreciated. The hardest time in my life will always be coupled with the greatest showing of love. Thank you.

Christmas time

The holidays were tougher at times than I had anticipated, but they also brought a lot of joy and laughter. My kids are at such a fun age to see Christmas morning and while there was definitely someone being missed and reminders at every turn, we still enjoyed the moments. Evan is easily pleased and opened one present, a little green truck, and was content to just push it back and forth with Grandad. A little coaxing was necessary to get him to open a few more… but then he got it. Dallin and Kenna get just as excited to see others open their present as they do for opening their own, I hope they never grow out of that. She was pretty excited to learn some phrases in Spanish and was happy to wish a “Fleese Mommydod” to anyone who would listen, or who she thought might understand her mad language skills. So proud.

Dallin is at that point where he often stares off into space and you wait expecting a new epiphany which you know is coming and recently is usually a way to explain how Santa does what he does. Love the explanations, I need to be better at writing those ones down. We were driving somewhere the other day when he asked “Dad, why do they only collect money for the poor kids in December? What’s wrong with January?” Good question.

Evan is a wrecking ball most of the time and he is probably 80% of my focus through the day. When all is quiet in the house, it usually means he fell asleep somewhere… or he is into something he shouldn’t be, either way investigating is needed and pictures usually result.

Kenna is quite the mother hen with Evan. They all talk about mommy a lot, but Kenna is still the one that talks about her most. She set up her dolls around a picture of us all together when Kenna was born that is on her dresser. Her reason was that mommy didn’t get anything for Christmas so she thought she would do something nice… I can only guess it was a party. They usually say the same type of things, but there are some that I don’t know how to respond and I have no good answer for, like trying to explain to Kenna that there are some things that even Santa can’t bring her.

Evan Jack in the Box

Pictures of us

Just some picture journal catch up. Pictures say a thousand words, but some of them need more explanation, especially with kids.

So, not really sure how to feel as a Dad here... on one hand he has the football helmet on, on the other he was pushing the doll in the stroller. I guess it is just as it should be, tender and tough! This was our trip to Vegas to visit Uncle David's fam and to assess the housing situation.


This one is in front of the Christmas tree that the Church employment department did in honor of Wendy and Maylee. It was a disney themed tree and the kids loved the full size mickey... not sure why I don't have a better photo of the tree, I will have to look for that one. The hats and scarf are one's their mommy made for them.

Happy 7th Birthday to my boy! This is on Dallin's birthday morning. He was pretty excited to open presents before school, so here we are with him hamming it up as usual. I gave him the choice to open after school so he could play with the toys right after he opened, but I knew when I said it which one a 7 year old would pick, then he was bummed he had to go right to school, ah the hard lessons of life.
We had a few gatherings for his special day, but he really just wanted to go to the pool with a few close friends so that's what we did.

Here is his cake, this year it was Perry the Platypus and if you haven't seen Phineus and Ferb, you may not know who it is, but the show is actually really clever and clean. The eyes are supposed to be crooked!

This is at the neighborhood friends Christmas party at the Frasure's new home. It is a common scene to find all the other kids off and playing and Evan still enjoying his meal... the boy likes his food. He doesn't really it a ton, just takes his time to savor it and sees it through to the end. We were at the Knight's house for FHE around thanksgiving time and the kids were all sharing what they are grateful for... I think all of them said family, but when it got to Evan he just said he was thankful for food. Appropriate.

I am sure there is a perfectly logical reason for why these dolls are posed this way, I just don't know what that is. I thought I would share the strange phenomena I encounter on a regular basis.

Just a cute one of my little girl... probably exhausted after a full day of posing her dolls in weird places.

This one needs a little explaining... he is stuck in the box and was calling for me. He wasn't too happy about the fact I started taking pictures before helping... but what is a parent to do, I was merely following proper procedure for non life threatening events. 1. Laugh 2. take pictures and/or video 3. help them out. 4. optional teasing if the mood calls for it. 5. show your friends and laugh some more.

Not sure if it is printed in any parenting book, but every good parent knows the protocol!
I included both the picture and video because I print this blog into a book and the video doesn't print as well as you might think. I am sure there is an app for that though.

Here are some Belated Pictures from October

Evan helping me empty the dishwasher... just loved his outfit. This was potty training week I think. He actually did really well and it really only took a couple days of effort and then Kenna took over and did the rest. She was quite the cheer leader.


These are some random pictures playing dress up with the halloween stuff. Must not be in order, because Evan never went back to a diaper after conference weekend.


I would answer the door to some pretty crazy attempts at premature candy getting, but this was one of the better ones.

Their Costumes for Halloween 2011. Dallin wanted a staff so that when he got tired after walking for so long, he could lean on it. I think he had pretty high hopes of a lot of candy.

They did well on their pumpkins and were pretty independent on their carving experience. The one below is my first successful carving... seriously, the previous years weren't pretty. I learned that the Dremel was a good way to go when it comes to pumpkins. Its Harry Potter if you can't tell.

These next few are of our trip to California. Chief Hicken, Kim and Kaisha took us to Disneyland and Knott's Berry farm. We all had fun and were very grateful to them for doing that. It was really good to get out for a few days for something fun as well.

Evan, Dallin, Kenna, and Kaisha with Donald in his costume.


This trip was their first experience flying (Dallin flew once before with Wendy but he was too young to remember it) This is Evan looking out the airplane window, and then Kenna with the Chief. This was the only one I had of all of us together.

Rehabbing Injuries

I have been working on an injury that has prevented me from running for about 6 weeks now. Last week I had been able to finally run again and mentally I am ready for it, but as I try to run at the level I was at about 6 weeks ago, my leg doesn’t seem to get the message. I am finding it very frustrating that I am not at the level that I once was a short time ago and I have to keep reminding myself of how the body works and of the steps and levels that need to occur to strengthen that muscle to get back to running full time and full speed again. As I was running this morning and meditating on life and being frustrated with why I am having to go at such a slow pace and slightly favor the weaker leg, I can’t help but draw the parallels. Mentally I am ready, physically I am not. It would seem the other aspects of my life are just the opposite. As I think about the things that I need to do and that I know are right, logically I know what the best things are. The physical things like being married and sharing my life with someone and helping each other with all the responsibilities of being a parent and husband and the new ones to come with being a student again. Physically I am ready for that and I am ok with the idea of it, but as frustrating as it might be I am not sure my heart is ready to run at full speed. As I spend time with some incredible people I have to remind myself that even though it would be convenient… there is some walking that needs to be done before the run.