More epiphanies from the mouth of little Macks

(put this post together  a few months ago, but just didn't get around to finishing it and just added the last few comments. the pics are a few months old on this one)

Evan(4): “I am just going to lay in your bed and think about my life”

Dallin(8): “Dad, does everybody have to be normal when they grow up?”

Dallin just got deodorant and was arguing with Kenna about not using it. “girls armpits don’t stink, Kenna!”

Dallin is in a school play and he keeps referring to it as a “dress reversal” ha.

Evan and Kenna got in the bath while Jourdan (their Nanny) was still here. Apparently she had told them they could have ice cream after dinner.  She left while they were in there. When they got out the conversation went like this:

Evan and Kenna: “Jourdan! Where are you”

Me: she left already

Evan: “what? What about the ice cream?”

Kenna: “but what about hugs and kisses?”

With a small pause and a look that said clearly Kenna has no clue Evan says: ” but what about the ice cream?”

Haha, priorities! Love that boy.

Evan (3) during sacrament at church… and not quiet might I add: “I wish Jesus would put orange juice in those little cups!”

Then he paused in thought as if thinking that if he were going to ask for something the thought occurred to him that orange juice wasn’t going to cut it. He said “I wish Jesus would just get Ice cream for all us people here”

Clearly I have my work cut out in the teaching department.

Kenna (6): “daddy, can I watch the videos on youtube, I won’t watch make up” (she likes to watch the vids of some Asian girl do her make up like a Disney princess and I have told her not to do that too much because it drives her brothers nuts… and me a little)

Dallin came in later: “Kenna, I thought you said you weren’t going to watch make up?”

Kenna: “ its not make up, she is doing her HAIR… I just wanted to see how she does it”

… I have no response for that.

Evan (3): while we are driving down the road he is looking into the rear view mirror moving up and down a little seeing the double image. He says “Dad, I can see me and my spirit in that mirror.”

Kenna (6) : on our way out the door I go to remind Kenna to get in the van. She is crying one of her sad cries. I ask her what happened and she says “I just didn’t get enough time with mommy.” I stammer through something to help her, but I don’t really know what to say to her.

Me: “ Evan, your shoes are on the wrong feet!”

Evan (3):” Yeah, that’s so everybody will say, “hey, your shoes are on the wrong feet!””

Dallin (8): “Dad, can you become president?”

Me:”president of what?”

Dallin: “you know, like Obama… of the states?”

Me: “ I guess I could, but I kind of chose a different path, most Presidents do something like law school now days”

Dallin” well, can you go to law school when you’re done being a doctor? Cause it would be nice, you know, if we run out of money, then we could still have the White House and stuff… Evan wants you to be president so he can have a private Jet”

Kenna (6) “Daddy, I am not crying, I am just sweating from my eyes… sweat is coming from my eyes… its weird”

The other night at dinner the kids were saying that it was funny that mommy worked at Wendy's when she was a teenager and then Evan with a clever grin on his face says "Daddy, wouldn't it be funny if there was a restaurant named "Denny's" and you worked there?" the best part was the blank stare his two older siblings gave him and his sheepish "oh, yeah... I forgot"
... although I never worked there.

Evan(4) word combos: Frankemstyle (frankenstein) I think Gangnam style had some influence on it. Also calls the hunchback quasimoto “fuzzy photo”

I saw that Dallin got a test back for math “good job on getting 50/50”

Dallin: “thanks… but I knew I was going to get that…"
me: "how did you know that?" 
Dallin: "I always get 50/50” he says with no fake modesty, but with a sincere grin.

Two weeks after Dallin was baptized Dallin was pretty distressed about something and so i asked him what was wrong. He said that he thinks he might have already broken his promises from his baptism... I asked him which ones and he said he wasn't sure because he forgot, but he was pretty sure he was supposed to finish reading the book of mormon by now, haha. I told him that he was doing pretty good and that Heavenly Father knows how much he tries to do what is right. It was a good review for me, as I explained that our main promise is to do all we can to do what's right, and we have to have faith that Christ can help us with the rest. Dallin is certainly one that takes his promises very seriously, I learn a lot from that boy!

My Roommates

Every day these littles grow a little more. I have that movie scene from “Father of the Bride” playing in my head often as I have conversations with my kids. You know the one, his adult daughter is at the dinner table telling him she met a man and is getting married and all he sees is his little girl in pigtails. I do that, only includes my two boys too… no pigtails though. The difference right now for me is that they are still that little… they grow every day and surprise me often about how much they understand about this world, but then there are moments that they remind me how innocent they still are as well. The difference between me and George Banks is that they stand before me as these little people and I can soak in the moment knowing that someday this is going to be the age I view them as. Last year when I was able to take the year and be at home with them was a real blessing, I don’t know many dads that get that opportunity. It helps me through some of the crazier days now.

Here we are 2 years in the future from when everything turned upside down. We talk about Mommy and Maylee often, and I still miss Wendy terribly and miss what we could have known with our baby girl. There are many reminders every day… things as simple as them getting excited about seeing her Mii character on the Wii when they play games to instances when I notice the kids do certain things that are exactly how Wendy would have done them. We all miss her. I can’t help but notice how little the kids looked the day we said goodbye to them. The kids see the date on the family calendar and the marker that says it is Maylee’s birthday and they get excited to celebrate. I am glad that they don’t necessarily make the connection of what necessitated her birth on that day. I get asked a lot about how the kids are doing and so I will introduce you to my little roommates as I see them today with another year under our belts. I hope that as they read this when they are older and trying to get to know themselves a little more and maybe just trying to figure life out that they can identify with their obvious strengths as I see them today. Yes, I may be writing these things from a dad’s view point, but that doesn’t make these descriptions less true… or less valuable to their future selves. Besides, in a world that can offer a lot of things that will try to tear them down, I make no apologies for seeing them through a doting father’s perspective. 

Dallin:

He recently was in a school play where he played the Pied piper. He came home one day and started telling me that they were trying out for the play at school and he was going to be the pied piper and so he was memorizing the part. We acted it out a little and had some fun with it, but I couldn’t help admire his dedication when he puts his mind to something. His teacher was laughing when she told me about his try out and how he was so animated and had the whole pied piper part already memorized during the general try outs. He was so excited that he got the part. I found him a hat with a big quail feather for pretty cheap and he thought it was the coolest thing… I am glad they are easy to please at this age.

 Lately he is always wanting to build things… a roller coaster is his ultimate idea right now. I don’t want to stifle his excitement nor do I want him to put limits on his ideas and visions of what he could do, at the same time, I just don’t think building a roller coaster in the back yard is going to happen either. He gets on youtube and watches home-made roller coaster videos. He spent the better part of his Saturday on Wikipedia and typing a report on sharks… I am not even sure if it was all for an assignment, he just enjoys doing things like that. He loves math and hates when others get bullied at school, hates it so much that when he gets home he is almost in tears when he tells me about it, empathy is something that is at the core of who he is. He still is a regular older brother with arguments and bossiness, but if I am threatening to take away privileges of his younger siblings… he cries more than they do. When I ask him why he is crying he says that he really wants Kenna to be able to go to that party and it makes him sad that she is choosing not to. We are trying to put that in perspective and how he can’t take on other peoples bad choices. I have to remind him on occasion that he is not the other parent in the house, although many times he is mature enough to pull it off… maybe even more mature than me at times. He is the first one up at 6 in the morning and gets ready for school and comes in right as I am getting up to get the other two ready... sometimes even wakes me up. He makes the morning process easy that way. He is at that stage where he is still my little boy but in the process of becoming a little man. He talks the least about Wendy and Maylee, but I don’t fear he is holding it in anymore. We have had a few conversations and I think he has a healthy view of things right now. He is my rock most days and even laughs at things that the other two don’t quite get why its funny. Sometimes I worry that I forget he is so young and I hope that he is still just having fun being 8.

Kenna:

I was getting ready this morning when I heard a song coming from Kenna, I focused to hear what she was singing and it was a song about her need to go to the bathroom, her going to the bathroom, and then a grand finish of her wrapping up the whole process. It was moving. That might sum up her personality better than I think. She finds fun in the mundane and she has a joy in life enough to sing about anything… even a trip to the potty. I know she may not be too happy with me writing about this topic, but I think we all know a good parent is one that takes advantage of the opportunities to embarrass their kids whenever they can, keeps them humble. She will understand that more when she has her own kids someday. She is a strong little girl that is very interested in pretty things and bossing her two brothers around. She is in a broadway class right now and they are working on the musical “Annie” where she is playing an orphan and Drake the butler. She was upset at first that it was a boy part, but since has embraced “Mrs.” Drake.  She likes it when I refer to her as goldie-locks with us as her three bears. One morning I was frustrated with her and yelled at her to clean her room up. As I looked down at this little blonde girl, she just furrowed her brows, put out her bottom lip and folded her arms in defiance and stared at me with such a face of stubbornness that said she would not listen to me until I calmed down… I have thought a lot about that look and it does help me understand, clearly that is no way to parent any little girl, especially one with such attitude and personality. I like that she knows how she should be talked to and I hope she always keeps that fire and doesn’t take that from any guy… even her Dad.

I have noticed that she seeks out moms and aunts and older girls whenever we go somewhere. She usually has a lot of random questions for them and will usually play with their earrings or hair or nails. Sometimes that brings to the surface a little more of the relationship missing in her life and she just breaks down in tears, seems to be more often when she sees other girls with their moms. I am getting better at gaging when she is really hurting and when she is just thinking that she can get away with not doing something if she plays that card with her teachers. Generally she is pretty open with her feelings but there are still times when I am reminded that I know very little about why a little girl will do what she does. There have been a few women that I have dated and the kids have met. We had a talk about the dating thing after hanging out with a friend one night. When someone like that is around Kenna will often say that Mommy is Daddy’s girlfriend and that the front seat is her mom’s and feels the need to talk about mommy more during those times. I talked with her about it one night after and why she feels the need to do that and maybe it wasn’t the best way to make someone feel comfortable. She started to cry and said she didn’t want me to be married to anyone else, that I was married to mommy and didn’t want me to not be married to mommy for someone else. Hearing her talk clarified a lot to me on how she felt it was “a one or the other” kind of thing. I tried to explain that I will always be in love with mommy and she will always be my wife and her mom. I told her that if I do marry someone else it will never change any of that, but that if I got married again it would be because we love her and she is someone that would love us and even understand how to love mommy with us. We talked about the temple and what that means for us as a family. I have noticed a huge change in how she approaches that topic since then, in fact she brings it up often… maybe trying to motivate me, ha.

Evan:

The other morning driving Dallin to school the kids had the windows down while we traveled the speedy 15 mph stretch in front of the school. That’s riding the brakes in idle for those of you who don’t have a feel for that kind of power. Evan calls out of the window to say hello to everyone, which is just how he is, but I start to laugh as he starts calling names… “hello Peggy, hello Jim!” I look back and chuckle pretty amazed that he knows names, and then bust up laughing as this older couple wave back and shout “hello Evan!” I laugh to myself and ask him how do you know them, he answers quite nonchalantly as if suggesting everyone knows “that’s Peggy and Jim the crossing guards” he then shouts out of the car at one of the Dad’s there “Hey, Mark!” and then tells me how Mark is his friend and he lets him play on his phone. He gets to know people as he waits for his siblings to get out of school with Jourdan, their nanny. We continue driving as he calls out to a few more people by name as they wave and call his name back and I continue laughing to myself. This is Evan. I have never met a little boy so comfortable with people. He will walk up to people and ask “Hey, what’s your name?” and he sincerely wants to know the answer, but what’s more is that he will remember it. We had a talk for family home evening one night on stranger danger to be safe and then we role played. I would act like a stranger and ask him if he wanted candy or his ultimate weakness… help me find my puppy. I can’t say how often I will take my eyes off him for a moment only to turn and see him running toward someone across the park yelling “Hey, can I pet your puppy?” Anyway, the roll playing was tough for him. As I would ask him if he wanted candy, his instinct would get the better of him every time and he would say “yeah” and then start chuckling at his foible when I would drop my head and laugh at him. “Wait, let me try again” he would say. It just isn’t in him to turn down a treat… even an imaginary one. He has gotten better at that, he explained that he knew it was me asking not a real stranger and he wasn’t sure if I was really going to give him a treat or not... every time.

Evan is a tease… any opportunity to joke with you or trick you, he will take it. He rarely doubts himself and will not back down often. He truly believes his greatest argument that will justify everything he does is “but I want to”. There are so many things that he does that I always wished I did more like him. His “I don’t give a what” attitude will make people want to be around him and perhaps follow him in his future. In many ways its these traits in him that I am learning to parent a whole new way, and while it is so great to see in him, it also brings so much frustration and he is teaching me to be different. What works for Dallin, and what works for Kenna, does not work the same with Evan. In fact all three of them are so very different. During a long study day he will run up and hurry and push as many keys on my keyboard as he can before running off giggling and waiting for me to react. I have come to understand that time outs do nothing but drag on, but a brief pause to play with him buys me another hour or so of studying. He is so strong and at the same time there are those moments that let me know he is just a little 4 year old boy that for reasons I cannot fully explain has decided that I am the coolest person in his world right now. He is strong willed and very bright, but his laughter is always contagious and he is a great cuddle buddy. He talks often of Wendy and will make comments that confirm to me that he does remember some things with her. I am glad for that. Lately he does not sleep unless I lay by him for a few minutes, and every night I find him by my bed around 2 or 3 climbing up to sleep by me. I don’t know the reasons for that, but I am ok if that is what he needs. Sometimes I need that too. 

... As for all of us, the first year of school came and went down here. There were many times that we had to adapt a little or change up some ways of doing things, but I think we have a routine with help that seems to work for now at least. The first year of med school as a single parent brought a lot of challenge and brought many moments, especially at the beginning, that made me question whether I was doing the right thing in being here. I feel like it is still the right place and while it doesn’t make things any easier, at least it strengthens my resolve to make it work. Time is going to pass regardless of what you are doing, might as well do something that will get you closer to what you want to be.

 

Happy Birthday

A friend lined the driveway with balloons this morning. It was a welcome surprise.

Dear Wendy,

     Happy birthday. Today you would be 34, I think about all that has happened in the last 18 months since you left and its hard to think about all we have had to do without you. The kids look so tiny in the pictures at your funeral. They are still small, but they have grown a lot in the year and half. Its hard for me to decipher what memories you were here for and what I have done alone. The schedule with school and the kids is harder to balance than I could have imagined. I knew it would be hard when I decided to move ahead with it, so I can’t complain now that I am in it. I have help with the kids during the day and that makes it possible. I also couldn’t have asked for a better nanny in the afternoons, that has been a great blessing too. There are so many things that I wish you didn’t have to miss out on and that I wish we could have you here for. It is especially difficult to see what the kids don’t have with you. It has been affecting them more and more lately. Kenna started kindergarten this year and it is hard for her to see all the other moms picking them up at the end of the day. She has had her struggles with that. Dallin is always so strong I sometimes worry that he is keeping things in too much, but he broke down the other day. Kenna, Evan and I were dancing to music and having fun one night when Dallin walked in the room and quickly left.  I followed to ask him what he was thinking about, he said “nothing” as he usually does and then curled up to me and started sobbing. He said he was thinking about how much more fun it would be if you were still here. He remembers those little dance parties well and it made him sad that he was missing his partner.

      I am learning that there are reasons in the way we are designed. I see that more and more as I heal and get used to the idea of not having you here. Our process is on different schedules. Early on when it was hard to imagine why they weren’t handling it like I felt they should or just didn’t understand, I see that I didn’t really have anything left in the tank to give them what they would need. I feel more prepared now and it seems the harder part of the process is just starting for them. I don’t have all the answers, but I feel like they are doing well. There are just some things that are going to hurt and as much as I wish I could, I can’t change that for them. Dallin’s school had a “mommy son date night” the other day. When he brought me the flyer he asked if he should just throw it away. I could tell it really bothered him. I had a lot of “Fathers and son’s” camping trips over the years with some great home teachers and other men from my church, so I knew a little of how he might be feeling.  He went with his aunt Brooke and had a lot of fun. Nothing will ever be exactly the same, but I am grateful for the women in their life that have been there for them at times like that.

     There are many things of being a parent that are hard. Dallin used to ask me all the time what super power I would want if I could. I used to think I wanted to fly. But now I tell him I wish I could pause time. There are just not enough hours in the day and I always feel like everything I do is less than it could or even should be.  Between being a father, a student, a domestic manager (sounds more manly than "homemaker to me), a church member… and everything else, I never feel that one thing is as good as it should be and they all suffer a little. You had always loved getting their clothes for them and hunting for deals and storing the old and getting out the new clothes. You would always buy all the next years clothes for them on some “really good deal” day at old navy or some place with Molly and Mare. The boys were still wearing those for the most part. Poor Evan’s PJ’s were probably cutting off the circulation to his lower half. While cooking and cleaning and things like that are hard to keep up with, at least I get how to do that. I don’t get clothes shopping… don’t think I ever will. Fortunately for me my mom and Alesha enjoy that sort of thing. I watch Kenna and how she always wants to play dress up, or wear a few outfits a day…especially when she gets clothes from her cousins and I must admit, I don’t get that, but I can see how that can turn into a good thing for her husband when it comes to kids clothes later. With boys, they are always excited about the new toys that do cool stuff. That I get. That never changes, why do you think the toy aisle is in between the hunting and electronics aisle in Wal-mart? … its because guys still think they are in the toy aisle. Clothes I just don’t understand though. They seem to grow out of it so quickly. More reminders of how long you have been gone. They don’t fit in the clothes you bought for the next year anymore.

Kenna lost her first tooth. The other followed close behind. She asked me if the tooth fairy was real the other night after losing the first one. I just asked her what she thought about it and she said she didn’t think so. I told her that the kids that didn’t believe didn’t get a visit from the tooth fairy. She just smiled and said “oh, right, I will put the tooth out just in case”… I don’t think she felt doubts in the morning, not sure how many years she will feel that way, but I will never rush her there. Next month Dallin will be baptized. He talks about it all the time. After the first year I was naïve in thinking we were done with the “firsts” but I know there are many more to come.

     It was a very different kind of experience moving into a new area and new ward without you and under these circumstances. The people are great, but in a church where family is so sacred, I can’t help but feel broken in that regard. My perspective is different now. I never had to be all that outgoing with inviting people over or going to friend’s homes for dinner because you were so quick to make new friends wherever we went. Ha, sometimes I wonder if people just tolerated me so they could hang out with you. I certainly wouldn’t blame them for that. It is something that has made the transition even more different, but I understand the uniqueness here. I have to remind myself that I am not married anymore and that I am not just a family in the church, but to others I am a single guy with kids. There are differences.

      I miss you so much… that will never change. I have been more ok with the idea of being with someone new lately, and that’s a good thing. I haven’t really felt ok with it before. I know this might be a strange topic to talk about on your birthday, but I think it is often the unasked question by others, but on their mind none the less. It took me a while to figure out that enjoying someone else’s company doesn’t mean I had to stop missing and grieving losing you. The idea of that is simple, the application is where it always got difficult. There are so many times I wish I could talk with you about that process… and maybe laugh about it with you in some of it, but then if I could I wouldn’t be dealing with it now would I? I lost my best friend, I learned how marriage should be with you. I realize more and more that our relationship was uniquely great. We were truly happy together. Even among successful marriages that is a unique thing. I don’t say that to boast, but I won’t down play it or pretend otherwise.  If something new doesn’t promise a similar experience and a new and different happiness, then I won’t do it. To some that might seem selfish, but I know what the kids lost too and I won’t short change them either. Getting into something simply out of need is not the right reason. I think there is so much that our daughter and our sons can learn from having that kind of relationship. I can only partly be the kind of father the way I would hope to without being married here. I am not suggesting that I am perfect in that regard, you know better than anyone that is far from the case, but I don’t think it is arrogant to say that I was pretty good at that and it was because of the feelings we had for each other. I am very aware how that might be for someone coming into our family, and if I get married again it is because I am excited about her and in love with her too and not because I am trying to get back to what I had before or replace you in any way. You are irreplaceable. It will be different, if I tried to make it the same, nothing would ever be enough. It needs to be different. I know it will come with many new and unique experiences and challenges, but I feel it will be worth the effort when it feels right again. All I can do is follow what I feel is right. I realize I have probably said similar things before, but now I understand it a little more.

     I wonder all the time what your perspective on this is. What you are allowed to see and experience and be a part of. Maybe some days… like when the kids are detoxing from Halloween candy and I need a break, I am sure it is your influence that keeps me from going insane! I still see baby girls that would be Maylee’s age and think about how much I miss what could have been. I am glad that whatever you can be a part of with us or even whatever you can’t, that you have her with you. I do wish I could feel you more and I hope that the kids can develop a sensitivity to those kinds of things better than me. There is still so much that I wish I had answers on, so much that has changed the way I look at life, so much that I have learned from this and from you and from others. There have been days that I would never care to relive, but I see them as necessary to learn a little now that they are done. I am sure there will be many more moments that I would never want to endure, but with every new one it makes the next one a little more manageable. I hope you can celebrate today. We love you. We miss you… I miss you.

Love, Denny

Just my good looking boys.

Kenna got some play make up for her birthday

clearly she has some practicing to do... unless she was going for "circus raccoon", if so, she nailed it

Obviously we weren't near the "red" part of redrock

We went out to Redrock for a little hike after conference.

Getting ready for church...naturally

We had an intense hail storm one night, Evan was pretty nervous about the thunder, so Dallin told him he would sleep with him to comfort him. What a good kid.

Dallin doing some major pumpkin carving...couldn't find my picture of the end product... he carved a Yoda on the front and did great.

Kenna and her first two lost teeth. She looks a little more like her mom every day... especially in her eyes.

My little Halloweeners... hhmmhhmm, that's funny I don't care how old you are. Kenna was a princess of course, Dallin was a special agent, and Evan is a scary werewolf. Dallin's favorite part of this picture is the thing on his chest reflecting back with a glow.

Part of being a princess is having wardrobe options right? Silly girl.

The trick or treating after party... counting the loot!