My Roommates

Every day these littles grow a little more. I have that movie scene from “Father of the Bride” playing in my head often as I have conversations with my kids. You know the one, his adult daughter is at the dinner table telling him she met a man and is getting married and all he sees is his little girl in pigtails. I do that, only includes my two boys too… no pigtails though. The difference right now for me is that they are still that little… they grow every day and surprise me often about how much they understand about this world, but then there are moments that they remind me how innocent they still are as well. The difference between me and George Banks is that they stand before me as these little people and I can soak in the moment knowing that someday this is going to be the age I view them as. Last year when I was able to take the year and be at home with them was a real blessing, I don’t know many dads that get that opportunity. It helps me through some of the crazier days now.

Here we are 2 years in the future from when everything turned upside down. We talk about Mommy and Maylee often, and I still miss Wendy terribly and miss what we could have known with our baby girl. There are many reminders every day… things as simple as them getting excited about seeing her Mii character on the Wii when they play games to instances when I notice the kids do certain things that are exactly how Wendy would have done them. We all miss her. I can’t help but notice how little the kids looked the day we said goodbye to them. The kids see the date on the family calendar and the marker that says it is Maylee’s birthday and they get excited to celebrate. I am glad that they don’t necessarily make the connection of what necessitated her birth on that day. I get asked a lot about how the kids are doing and so I will introduce you to my little roommates as I see them today with another year under our belts. I hope that as they read this when they are older and trying to get to know themselves a little more and maybe just trying to figure life out that they can identify with their obvious strengths as I see them today. Yes, I may be writing these things from a dad’s view point, but that doesn’t make these descriptions less true… or less valuable to their future selves. Besides, in a world that can offer a lot of things that will try to tear them down, I make no apologies for seeing them through a doting father’s perspective. 

Dallin:

He recently was in a school play where he played the Pied piper. He came home one day and started telling me that they were trying out for the play at school and he was going to be the pied piper and so he was memorizing the part. We acted it out a little and had some fun with it, but I couldn’t help admire his dedication when he puts his mind to something. His teacher was laughing when she told me about his try out and how he was so animated and had the whole pied piper part already memorized during the general try outs. He was so excited that he got the part. I found him a hat with a big quail feather for pretty cheap and he thought it was the coolest thing… I am glad they are easy to please at this age.

 Lately he is always wanting to build things… a roller coaster is his ultimate idea right now. I don’t want to stifle his excitement nor do I want him to put limits on his ideas and visions of what he could do, at the same time, I just don’t think building a roller coaster in the back yard is going to happen either. He gets on youtube and watches home-made roller coaster videos. He spent the better part of his Saturday on Wikipedia and typing a report on sharks… I am not even sure if it was all for an assignment, he just enjoys doing things like that. He loves math and hates when others get bullied at school, hates it so much that when he gets home he is almost in tears when he tells me about it, empathy is something that is at the core of who he is. He still is a regular older brother with arguments and bossiness, but if I am threatening to take away privileges of his younger siblings… he cries more than they do. When I ask him why he is crying he says that he really wants Kenna to be able to go to that party and it makes him sad that she is choosing not to. We are trying to put that in perspective and how he can’t take on other peoples bad choices. I have to remind him on occasion that he is not the other parent in the house, although many times he is mature enough to pull it off… maybe even more mature than me at times. He is the first one up at 6 in the morning and gets ready for school and comes in right as I am getting up to get the other two ready... sometimes even wakes me up. He makes the morning process easy that way. He is at that stage where he is still my little boy but in the process of becoming a little man. He talks the least about Wendy and Maylee, but I don’t fear he is holding it in anymore. We have had a few conversations and I think he has a healthy view of things right now. He is my rock most days and even laughs at things that the other two don’t quite get why its funny. Sometimes I worry that I forget he is so young and I hope that he is still just having fun being 8.

Kenna:

I was getting ready this morning when I heard a song coming from Kenna, I focused to hear what she was singing and it was a song about her need to go to the bathroom, her going to the bathroom, and then a grand finish of her wrapping up the whole process. It was moving. That might sum up her personality better than I think. She finds fun in the mundane and she has a joy in life enough to sing about anything… even a trip to the potty. I know she may not be too happy with me writing about this topic, but I think we all know a good parent is one that takes advantage of the opportunities to embarrass their kids whenever they can, keeps them humble. She will understand that more when she has her own kids someday. She is a strong little girl that is very interested in pretty things and bossing her two brothers around. She is in a broadway class right now and they are working on the musical “Annie” where she is playing an orphan and Drake the butler. She was upset at first that it was a boy part, but since has embraced “Mrs.” Drake.  She likes it when I refer to her as goldie-locks with us as her three bears. One morning I was frustrated with her and yelled at her to clean her room up. As I looked down at this little blonde girl, she just furrowed her brows, put out her bottom lip and folded her arms in defiance and stared at me with such a face of stubbornness that said she would not listen to me until I calmed down… I have thought a lot about that look and it does help me understand, clearly that is no way to parent any little girl, especially one with such attitude and personality. I like that she knows how she should be talked to and I hope she always keeps that fire and doesn’t take that from any guy… even her Dad.

I have noticed that she seeks out moms and aunts and older girls whenever we go somewhere. She usually has a lot of random questions for them and will usually play with their earrings or hair or nails. Sometimes that brings to the surface a little more of the relationship missing in her life and she just breaks down in tears, seems to be more often when she sees other girls with their moms. I am getting better at gaging when she is really hurting and when she is just thinking that she can get away with not doing something if she plays that card with her teachers. Generally she is pretty open with her feelings but there are still times when I am reminded that I know very little about why a little girl will do what she does. There have been a few women that I have dated and the kids have met. We had a talk about the dating thing after hanging out with a friend one night. When someone like that is around Kenna will often say that Mommy is Daddy’s girlfriend and that the front seat is her mom’s and feels the need to talk about mommy more during those times. I talked with her about it one night after and why she feels the need to do that and maybe it wasn’t the best way to make someone feel comfortable. She started to cry and said she didn’t want me to be married to anyone else, that I was married to mommy and didn’t want me to not be married to mommy for someone else. Hearing her talk clarified a lot to me on how she felt it was “a one or the other” kind of thing. I tried to explain that I will always be in love with mommy and she will always be my wife and her mom. I told her that if I do marry someone else it will never change any of that, but that if I got married again it would be because we love her and she is someone that would love us and even understand how to love mommy with us. We talked about the temple and what that means for us as a family. I have noticed a huge change in how she approaches that topic since then, in fact she brings it up often… maybe trying to motivate me, ha.

Evan:

The other morning driving Dallin to school the kids had the windows down while we traveled the speedy 15 mph stretch in front of the school. That’s riding the brakes in idle for those of you who don’t have a feel for that kind of power. Evan calls out of the window to say hello to everyone, which is just how he is, but I start to laugh as he starts calling names… “hello Peggy, hello Jim!” I look back and chuckle pretty amazed that he knows names, and then bust up laughing as this older couple wave back and shout “hello Evan!” I laugh to myself and ask him how do you know them, he answers quite nonchalantly as if suggesting everyone knows “that’s Peggy and Jim the crossing guards” he then shouts out of the car at one of the Dad’s there “Hey, Mark!” and then tells me how Mark is his friend and he lets him play on his phone. He gets to know people as he waits for his siblings to get out of school with Jourdan, their nanny. We continue driving as he calls out to a few more people by name as they wave and call his name back and I continue laughing to myself. This is Evan. I have never met a little boy so comfortable with people. He will walk up to people and ask “Hey, what’s your name?” and he sincerely wants to know the answer, but what’s more is that he will remember it. We had a talk for family home evening one night on stranger danger to be safe and then we role played. I would act like a stranger and ask him if he wanted candy or his ultimate weakness… help me find my puppy. I can’t say how often I will take my eyes off him for a moment only to turn and see him running toward someone across the park yelling “Hey, can I pet your puppy?” Anyway, the roll playing was tough for him. As I would ask him if he wanted candy, his instinct would get the better of him every time and he would say “yeah” and then start chuckling at his foible when I would drop my head and laugh at him. “Wait, let me try again” he would say. It just isn’t in him to turn down a treat… even an imaginary one. He has gotten better at that, he explained that he knew it was me asking not a real stranger and he wasn’t sure if I was really going to give him a treat or not... every time.

Evan is a tease… any opportunity to joke with you or trick you, he will take it. He rarely doubts himself and will not back down often. He truly believes his greatest argument that will justify everything he does is “but I want to”. There are so many things that he does that I always wished I did more like him. His “I don’t give a what” attitude will make people want to be around him and perhaps follow him in his future. In many ways its these traits in him that I am learning to parent a whole new way, and while it is so great to see in him, it also brings so much frustration and he is teaching me to be different. What works for Dallin, and what works for Kenna, does not work the same with Evan. In fact all three of them are so very different. During a long study day he will run up and hurry and push as many keys on my keyboard as he can before running off giggling and waiting for me to react. I have come to understand that time outs do nothing but drag on, but a brief pause to play with him buys me another hour or so of studying. He is so strong and at the same time there are those moments that let me know he is just a little 4 year old boy that for reasons I cannot fully explain has decided that I am the coolest person in his world right now. He is strong willed and very bright, but his laughter is always contagious and he is a great cuddle buddy. He talks often of Wendy and will make comments that confirm to me that he does remember some things with her. I am glad for that. Lately he does not sleep unless I lay by him for a few minutes, and every night I find him by my bed around 2 or 3 climbing up to sleep by me. I don’t know the reasons for that, but I am ok if that is what he needs. Sometimes I need that too. 

... As for all of us, the first year of school came and went down here. There were many times that we had to adapt a little or change up some ways of doing things, but I think we have a routine with help that seems to work for now at least. The first year of med school as a single parent brought a lot of challenge and brought many moments, especially at the beginning, that made me question whether I was doing the right thing in being here. I feel like it is still the right place and while it doesn’t make things any easier, at least it strengthens my resolve to make it work. Time is going to pass regardless of what you are doing, might as well do something that will get you closer to what you want to be.