Moving Day

I woke up early this morning unable to sleep anymore. The kids are at my brother’s house for one last night with cousins before we move while I get the rest of the house ready to load onto the truck. I am finding that sometimes noise is easier to sleep through than silence. I am glad my mom was here the last few days to help me pack up, I think I underestimated what I needed to do… either that or overestimated my ability to do it!

The house is almost empty. I am writing this on paper for now because the computer is all packed up. I will go get the truck in a few hours, but for now all is quiet in the house. I didn’t realize how this would affect me. I find, however, that I will miss being where I can picture her in familiar spots and specific events. Not even important events at the time, little ones have come to mean a lot to me. The home is soaked with her and us. I can picture her getting ready in our bathroom, the two of us in the kitchen where we would spend time talking over ice cream after the kids were in bed. I can hear her laughing on our street where the kids would be playing with their friends and us talking with ours. The same street that Wendy recorded Dallin riding his two wheeler for the first time. The little loft where we would have family prayer. Our bedroom where we lived together… and where she died. The memory of the room doesn’t haunt me in the way some may assume, rather my mind turns to our last moments together and every one of them before. I know these are just walls, but moving represents a new chapter for us, one that will be started without her here and it is hard to imagine that. I have been able to live in my little bubble for the past year. I have been blessed to stay home and be together with my kids, to figure out how to be their one source they go to, and to grieve and to grow. Now I go back to the real world where I go out and work on our goals again, where I don’t have my bountiful way friends to listen to my long windedness at times, my mom is six hours away instead of 5 minutes, where Wendy’s family isn’t so close (well, some of them I get to keep in Henderson) Where I can’t detour past the cemetery where her body lies with our daughter on my way to her parent’s house. There are so many things I will miss that I have grown accustomed to this past year and before that will be difficult to be without. I am excited for this new start, but nervous about the unknowns. I will miss being reminded in every room of this house. I am happy that the three friends I take with me will always have her in their voices and faces and mannerisms. There is so much of her in them.

I finally cleaned out her bathroom drawer… nothing is how she left it anymore.

Epiphanies of the Day

On my desktop I have a saved document that I try to add to when I hear a little gem that I want to remember. Unfortunately I have forgotten more than I have written down at the time of hearing, but this is a small sampling of the great insights I hear regularly. This is one of the things I will miss most when I start school, I know I won't hear near as many of the out loud thoughts of these littles explaining in their way or contemplating the universe around them. I also put a few pics to update, I need to take more of them, Wendy was much better at that then I am.

Dallin: “Why do they only collect money for the poor kids in December… what about January?”

Kenna “ are those girls speaking spanish?”

 me:”yes”

Kenna”can I go talk to them?”

me : “sure, go ahead”  (this should be entertaining actually)

Kenna: “ Hola! Faleese mommydod!” girls just smile and laugh friendly like.

Kenna and Evan in their hats their mom made and practicing their synchronized sleeping routine... they have a real shot this year!

Dallin and Kenna the morning after Christmas:

Dallin: holding a new Christmas toy “Kenna, why do you never play with this, I never see you play with it?”

Kenna: “ that’s because I like this one better”

Dallin: “Well that’s just being rude to Santa”

·         Kenna(5): “but your getting dirty…you know… with dirt”

Evan(3) randomly approached: “Daddy, do you like my skin?”

Evan: “Daddy, Dallin won’t let me in the room”

Me: “well, I am sorry, why won’t he let you in?”

Evan “ but daddy, I am not the messiest kid anymore”

Ah, funny how you can get all the information you need from those cryptic comments.

Evan(3): While lying in bed in the morning out of the blue “Daddy, if we don’t share our grapes, we will go to jail, huh.”

Kenna (5): while lying in bed in the morning as well. “I miss mommy and Maylee, I wish I could just have them for a hundred days, and then I could see Maylee’s eyes when she gets here, because that would be so fun and I didn’t even get to see her eyes.”

It’s strange that that’s the first time I thought about that.

This picture above is Kenna on our date night, we call it "Princess night" (boys get "buddy" night) and she was telling everyone at the restaurant that she was out for princess night as if everyone knew what that is. We went to Hale center theater after dinner. When we sat down at the theater she said... "we are just going to watch a movie?" I told her it was a play which was different and I thought she would like it. She paused for a minute, I could tell she was not impressed and said very politely "uhm, next time we have princess night, can I choose what we do?" Ha, very diplomatic girl. She actually really loved it, every time the lights dimmed she would lean over and say: "there's still more right, Daddy?" gotta love her!

Winter: Dallin (7) wanted to go shovel our walks after it snowed, I kept thinking to myself that I should go out and ask him to shovel the neighbor’s who had sick kids and talk about service and Christ like attributes a little with him. When I went out to talk to him I noticed their walk was already done so I asked him about it and he told me he did it because he was thinking about Jesus. I think I learned more from him that morning than I could have taught him. He is always a very thoughtful boy.

Dylan and Kenna

Dallin: “Dylan (Kenna’s little friend) what was your favorite part about today?”

Dylan” I don’t know”

Dallin: “ was it when you saw me at school?”

Dylan: “I don’t remember that”

Dallin: “Yeah, I bet that was your favorite part of today”

Well, at least he has a healthy self image!

  This picture above was Evan's birthday cake in Feb. Poor little boy was so sick that day, but he just wanted to celebrate, this is all the energy he could muster for a good birthday cake picture on his 3rd birthday. Now every time I mark their cups for the day, he gets an "E-3" ...cause he is 3 of course.

2/28/2012

Evan and Kenna were talking about a cartoon that had a “Juke box” on it

Evan: “I wish I had a giant Juice box for music”

Kenna: “no, Evan, your saying it wrong”

Evan: “no, I am not, I want a giant juice box like Ferb”

Kenna: “ its not a juice box, it’s a JEW box”

Evan: “yeah, that’s what I said”

Kenna: “ no, you said Juice box…. Dad, what is it called again?”

Dad: “ its actually a JUKE box”

Kenna: “ well, that doesn’t even make sense, daddy, I think you are wrong”

… yeah, cause Jew box makes more sense, silly girl.

Kenna and Jocy practicing to join the Cirque de Sole as far as I can tell

Dallin (7): “well that’s not fair that Lexie gets to do two fun things and I only get to do one”

Dad: “Dallin, a good friend doesn’t think like that, a good friend hopes for your friend to be happy”

Kenna: “yeah, like I like princesses… kind of like that huh dad?”

Dallin: “ uh, its not like that at all, Kenna”

...bless her heart.

Dallin dressed as thing one and thing two for Dr. Seuss day

Dallin after  Easter 2012:

While wearing a pedometer and hopping around… “oh, this is an Easter one… it records how many bunny hops you do!”

Evan (age 3): “ Daddy, are we bringing snacks to church today?”

Dad: “ Maybe, we’ll see”

Evan: “ well Jesus likes snacks… Jesus likes cheerios, he eats them all the time”

…well played General Mills, well played.  I will have to check the doctrine on that one, though.

Evan (3): “Daddy, this orange is juicy…. Does this orange have orange juice in it?”

Dad: “yes, that’s where we get orange juice from… oranges”

Evan: “oh… well and we get apple juice from… from…”

Dad “yeah, we get apple juice from what?”

Evan: “from… pears?”

Dad: “ so close…”

He did get the grape juice one right though!

One sunday morning
Kenna: "Daddy, I wish Mommy was still here so you could sleep in"
me: ha, uh... this feels a little like a trap. "did I sleep in when mommy was here?"
Kenna: "well, maybe a little" so diplomatic!
me: "yeah, I wish mommy was here too, but not so I could sleep in"
Dallin : " I wish Mommy was still here for no reason at all!"
    ...yeah, me too.

Last night the kids got some gold fish from a church activity they went to and Evan’s didn’t last the night. One of the first things I heard this morning was Kenna (5) telling me that Evan’s fish died, but I didn’t really have time to address the issue yet. After bath time we were ready to go down and investigate, but the fish was not there. After confirming it was gone, I asked Kenna where his fish was, she looked at me with caring in her voice, “daddy, I put it on Evan’s pillow so he could see it” …cute girl

Me: “oh, well, ok” as Dallin gives me a knowing side look with a smirk clearly seeing the humor in her actions. Its nice to have someone else here get the humor sometimes. We had to search a little because Evan had climbed on his bed a few times since the pillow placement. Fortunately it had not gone far. We gave it to Evan and I told him he could flush it, we stood over the toilet for a minute as he held it in his hands with interest and such tender little movements. We had flushed a fish before, so I wasn’t really thinking it needed much attention and discussion again. I told him to just put it in and when he delayed I said it again, “Evan, hurry and put it in, it’s just a fish”

He looked at me with a concerned face and sadness in his eyes and said “ but, daddy... its MY fish”

Its silly, but I couldn’t stop the tears from that.

“I am sorry, buddy” I can certainly understand his feelings. We stood there for a little longer, and I didn’t rush him again. I often forget to see it from their little eyes.

One Year

With time comes increased ability to do, even though the nature of the task has not changed. My grandpa Mack would always repeat that Emerson quote I am referring to and it rings true for this point in my life.

I still feel her void and miss everything about having her here with me. If there was one thing above any other that I would have the hardest time living without in this life, it is Wendy. Our life together was everything I wanted and hoped for in marriage. The best way I can describe life now is that I feel like my right arm was cut off; eventually you figure out how to function without it, but you will never be as good as you once were with it and everything you do throughout the day is an obvious reminder of what is missing.

It has been one year. Many of the "firsts" are behind us. I sat in church the other day looking at the sign up for the same fund raiser party we attended the day she died. Time is a strange thing. I still see her in the corner of my eye everywhere I go and my heart skips a little before my brain catches up. I watch videos of her and everything she says and does is still second nature and part of me. In many ways no time has passed and in others our life together appears forever ago. I go through the day a little more efficiently than before, but I still have my collection of music that I sit in the dark and listen to when I want to look at her pictures and video and just feel her and miss her.

This last year has taught me many things, among them I have ironically learned how to be a better husband to Wendy and not take her and love for granted. What we have is a very unique thing to come by. I always knew that, but have come to understand that even more. If there is anything that someone can take from this it is that you shouldn’t wait until the lesson is learned fully, do right now what tomorrow might make impossible.

I often see the baby girls that were born around the time that Maylee was and can’t help but wonder about who she would have been here. There is a little girl at our church that I believe was born that day. I watch her sometimes and think about Maylee and what stage she would be on. Kenna’s baby videos have become even more special to me because they are as close as I can come to picturing what Maylee might have looked like as well. But who knows, maybe Maylee would have been our first baby to hang on to her mother’s auburn hair that they were all born with but quickly turned to blonde. Happy Birthday, Maylee.

My cousin, Jared, who lost his little boy shared this quote with me, and I liked how it was said and the truth in it.

“If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift.” –Elizabeth Edwards

Yes, these landmarks like 1 year are hard to think about, my hope is to be able to celebrate Wendy and her life and to learn and grow from what I have learned from her and this life test that has come. I am far from knowing what I need to know in my time here on earth and my hope is to pass on some good to mine and Wendy’s kids and hope not to screw up on this great start that they have. Saying that I fall short many days on that would be a drastic understatement, but hopefully they don’t notice too much that I really have no clue what I am doing. I keep my fingers crossed that by the time they figure that out they will have kids of their own and maybe… just maybe they won’t be too damaged by the revelation. And someday, when I get to hold my Wendy again, I can tell her with every bit of truth that I worked at it every day and always tried to do the best I could.

Still Here

Well, it has been some time since I have sat down to write anything for this blog. Every new day brings every day stuff that needs to be done. I have turned a lot of my focus on preparing for the move to Vegas as well as trying to take advantage of the time we have before that starts. It has always been the right choice for where to go to school and I think I have known that, but there was a big part of me that didn’t want to close the door on Arizona. Yes, the campus is beautiful and the people there were incredible to deal with, but I think the main reason was that is where Wendy and I were planning to go and I didn’t want to change those plans just yet. One reason Vegas is so right is that I always want my kids to know their mother as best they can through her family and while I know we will always be a part of their family, living close to her brother’s family in Vegas just ensures that we will have that every day. There are several factors to take into consideration and they all point to a 6 hour drive south of here. I am excited and a bit nervous for school to start. I look forward to working toward my future plans again with many obvious concerns at the differences in how that will look as opposed to what was originally planned. The kids are stronger than I ever imagined and I see them binding tighter together through this as well. I would never wish this to be our lesson to learn, but I cannot deny the blessings that have come from it as well.

I wouldn’t say easier… but “more used to” would be fairly accurate. I am getting more used to not having her here and more used to missing her. There is many of it that is still very surreal and I still see her out of the corner of my eye at times only to look before thinking. I feel like I am thinking more clearly again and the fog of emotion is lifting to allow that clarity more often. There are still those moments that remind me I am still feeling it all and I welcome them more than not. The “firsts” are always difficult because my memory always turns to the last time I celebrated new years or valentines or a birthday. I am older than her now. She was a month older than me and I would always joke with her about marrying someone with more experience. Turning 33 was the first birthday that bothered me at all about getting older because now I am older than her. Poor logic I know, but logic wasn’t really playing its part here. Soon there will be no more firsts on the calendar and in some ways that may be better, in other ways I don’t like the thought of that at all.

Some difficult things that I have been finding with being the only parent in the house is that my role as dad has changed dramatically. No more am I the guy that comes in at the end of the day and gets to be the mobile amusement park. We still have our moments for that, but I don’t have the stamina to be doing that all day long now that I am with them… all day long. A couple months ago Dallin asked that since mom wasn’t here, did that make him second in charge. He got a quick vocab lesson in what a “dictatorship” is, and I must admit that he seemed less than thrilled about it. Although Wendy never had the “wait til your dad gets home” attitude, she did have the option to buy time by saying “ let me discuss that with your dad” The problem with a dictatorship is they know you don’t have to consult with anyone and if they are asking for something they expect immediate resolution. I preferred the buying some time with “let me ask your mom” kind of thing too… “let me think about it” just doesn’t carry the same time delay and they can always smell stalling.

Life has lost its immortal feel that it once carried in the past. I no longer have that feeling that life will just continue on and on. The everyday concerns of some things seem kind of trivial now with this new perspective and death really carries very little fear for me. I don’t wish to die at all and I have so much that I look forward to being here for, death just doesn’t worry me like it used to. At the same time the little things bring more pleasure too. I still have those time wasters in my life, but their value is a little more in perspective. I liked the picture at the top, I saw it on one of my family's mission blog and I thought it simplified life well. Not really suggesting Vegas is Zion, but it is closer to Zion's park... so that works, right?

There is definitely a better way to do this than on my own, but I don’t feel like it is as overwhelming as it was originally, of course the laundry fairy comes on occasion… thanks mom. Well, now that I think I am getting the hang of being their solo dad… enter med school, piece of cake, right? Ha. I feel like that scene in Emperor’s New Groove;

Pacha: Uh-oh.
Kuzco: Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall.
Pacha: Yep.
Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Pacha: Most likely.
Kuzco: Bring it on.