Our Family: 3 years

There was a point when imagining there would ever be a time that I would be this long without her was impossible to fathom, yet here I am. I gave up long ago trying to conform to what I was “suppose” to be feeling in this process and just allowed myself to feel what comes. I gave up on the companion of guilt with every smile and happy moment. I gave up fighting when the pain and tears come for no noticeable reason and just allow them to come, though they are not nearly as frequent as they were once. The memories of our everyday life together fade more with each day. While I would much rather be in this place now than being in the recent pain of losing them, I don’t like that some days it takes some effort to think about the face that once came so readily into my mind. The sting still finds me often and for many reasons that I wouldn’t have expected. The cruel irony of losing Wendy and Maylee is that one of the hardest elements was that she was not here to help me throughout this hard thing. She was my source of comfort and my biggest support and not having her to confide in makes it all the more painful. Mommy and Maylee are still common conversation in our home, as it should be, but I certainly won’t claim absolute answers on how to best parent 3 children missing their mother and baby sister. We still take one day at a time and the reality of being a single parent is ever present. No matter the events that brings one to solo parenting, there is no easy way to navigate it, plain and simple it is a job for two… maybe even 10. Every day brings frustrations of my limitations there. Dallin wants to be involved in and learn how to do so many things and I wish I was able to schedule it all. Their birthdays sneak up on me and are here before I have time to dedicate to it the way I would like. I realize that these are small things, but they all add together as reminders. I am and will always be grateful for the amazing women that fill some of the gaps left by her absence, obviously nothing will replace her but I will never be able to express fully what it means to me to have good examples of virtuous women showing love to our kids.

These kids still amaze me. One day in the store there was a little kid yelling at her mom and said she hates her. Dallin looked at me and said that she probably shouldn’t be doing that “some people don’t have a mom and you never know when she won’t be around anymore to love her” I wish he didn’t have to know that first hand, but I wouldn’t rob him of the strength and wisdom he possesses from his life either. Their experiences will offer compassion in ways that others will never fully come to know, and for that I am glad for them. It doesn’t diminish the pain of who and what is missing from their life, but it does bring a little peace to my thoughts.

I have been very grateful to discover feelings in my heart for another, feelings that I had given up on expecting to feel. My head was ok with dating long before my heart was truly open to it. I even wrote some about expectations trying to convince myself I knew what I was going to expect or what I thought I should be feeling. Reality is that the process was different for me there. With some close friends I have made that found themselves widowed also and discussing with them it is clear that while there are many similarities, there is much to the process that is different for every individual. Again, I found it best just to let it take its own course after fighting to be where I thought I should be. On days that are happy, let myself be happy and on days when memories flood and sadness takes the reigns, let those come too. For me I found it very hard to imagine someone else filling that role by my side for a long time. I still have to remind myself on occasion that I don’t have to hold back what I say or do out of fear that someone might misunderstand that my feelings for Wendy have changed. They will never change in that way, but moving forward with another woman will only serve to enrich our lives.